13 October 2006

Change is Afoot

** Advanced Warning - - Stream of Consciousness in Full Swing **
Earlier this week, I decided that 85% international travel is my choice. I want... no, I need to seize this opportunity. I know deep within my heart that I will regret not snatching up this chance.

As a result, the interview went very well. I am excited. I will be free of my home office prison, grow stronger, be part of the group's development, see the world. I will be forced to go beyond my comfort zone to make the most of this experience.

Now, I just wait to hear the infamous words - "you're hired"

MM. He called me at 2 AM this week after a night out when he was out of town... a little drunk. It was like old times. My heart is torn. Not so easy to walk away from someone you love.

His birthday is this weekend. I sent the cards I had. Of course, he got the card from the hound girls written with my left hand to look like a child's handwriting. I made a cake. I've never been much of a baker. But for MM, I bake his favorite. I used the Pampered Chef cake decorating stuff I bought for MM and the girls. The decoration didn't look very good - but I tried. I never led anyone to believe I was Betty Crocker.
I believe birthdays are special. I always try to do a lot for a loved one's birthday. I do it because it makes me happy and I feel it is important for the birthday girl/boy to feel special on her/his day. I sing into voicemail. I send cards. I decorate offices. Even though things are bad with MM, I still needed to try to make his day special because that is me. I could not ignore his birthday.

The depression continues to be in full swing. I need to learn how to deal with it - without medication. It is called therapy. And I made the call this week to try a new therapist. This time I cannot stop until I find someone I can trust and work with. Of course, if I am gone regularly, there is a problem but I will find a way to make it work. I have got to work through all this bullshit. The pattern stops now. The misery stops now. Healthy begins on Tuesday with my first appointment. I made the phone call. I need to get better. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling hopeless. I am tired of the sadness. No more crying. Healthy - that is what I am striving for. Even though, right now I feel like a loser. a big fat loser.
Right now I would love to share my happiness at the prospect of this new opportunity, but again people are acting weird. No one can be happy for me. More mean words about the Mercedes again today. Why are the people who are supposed to be my supporters so damn negative about the positive things in my life?! I think I will keep the therapist busy for awhile with these issues alone.
Only one person was positive and told me congrats and good job - that person is - MM.
At least this kept the tears away for a bit. I never wanted to see this black hole again but here I am. I was in denial about it sneaking up on me for a long time. My denial of the depression drove MM away. I so regret fucking things up with MM. Regret like I have never felt before. I need to work on this in therapy too. I never want to feel regret like this again. I never want to fuck up like this again.
I opened up to a few people this week about my pain. Asking for help - asking for someone to listen - sharing my feelings - It is something I don't know how to do but I tried this week. I had to try because what I have been doing is not working and the black hole is growing.
In other things going on - I only have 5 pounds left to lose. I fit in some of my old pants! Rock on! I am looking thin again.
Of course, I will call and sing my Marilyn Monroe happy birthday mr. president rendition. Because he was kind to me. Because I love him. Because that is just who I am.

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