06 October 2006

Today is an overwhelming sad day. I don't know why. It is just one of those days.

My life is empty. I feel so sad. MM did not return my phone call. It is over. I didn't think it would be.... Naively I thought the "month break" would result in some grand reunion. Instead, it is over. Although he pinged me the other day, he did return my phone call today. The man I have spoken to a million times a day for months is now M.I.A. That is a sure sign to this girl that things are over.

Why I am so sad about a man who can walk away from me so easily? Because I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and all my soul. I loved him. More than I ever loved my ex-husband. I loved him.

We had a future together - dreams and plans. I believed him. Every step of the way, I believed him. I trusted him. I wanted the future he offered me. We were going to build a life together - a wonderful life...

and the dream has died...

and I am sad. very sad.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Sure is funny how now that MM has removed himself from the picture, everyone has an opinion. Who says "he never loved you," "he never cared about you," "he is a narcissist." Everyone wants me away from him and these were the same people who thought he was wonderful not too long ago.

Same as with the divorce. Everyone has an opinion but the opinions are not very valid because they never were one on one, they never walked in my shoes. It is so easy to say things from the outside looking in. But until you have done a lap in my heels, don't give me any mandates please.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

So to further complicate things, I had an interview this week. It is the first of three, if I chose to pursue the opportunity. However, before I go on to interview number two, I need to decide if I am willing to do the 85% travel that comes with the job. 85% international travel. My dream. A promotion. Most likely a raise.

Why am I even thinking twice about this? Because 85% international travel means minimal regular everyday life. Because I have to find a solution for the dogs that does not include getting rid of them. Because I would lead a life of solitude. again. I am not fond of solitude any more. Not since I got a taste of what love and a home life can be.

I know I am the only one who can make this decision. More soul searching. A lot more soul searching.

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