Tomorrow is a big day. I get my hair highlighted and cut. I also am going to speak with MM.
Going to lay out all the things that have been going through my head, my heart, my soul.
Taking a risk sharing. Knowing I will be rejected. I figured things out too late. Came to terms with my depression too late. Sought help too late to save what MM and I had. But I am going to tell him any way. I am telling him. Looking him in the eye and sharing, revealing - being vulnerable knowing answers do not come in the packages we ask for or expect.
Figuring out where I derailed was therapy enough; baring it to him will be therapy and learning, risk taking. Placing the remains of my torn heart on a platter for him and for me.
It's not going to be easy. Just thinking about it, my stomach starts to quiver.
He has told me he doesn't trust me. So I do I expect him to believe what I share? No. But are my words true and from my very core? Yes. Definitely. Yes.
Tomorrow is about him and me. No one else. No one else's beliefs, perceptions, ideals. Only us. I will be speaking from my heart. I will be listening from my heart.
I know I will cry. As my emotion is so strong, I don't see a way around it. But it is okay to cry. Emotion, feeling is okay.
Am I scared? Yes. Easier typed than executed. But I have to do this - for him and for me. I have faced some of my demons. Tomorrow I share some of my demons and in that sharing I will be facing one of my big demons as well.
Wish me luck. The healing has begun. Here's to progress in whatever form it takes.