20 October 2006

Too Late

Tomorrow is a big day. I get my hair highlighted and cut. I also am going to speak with MM.

Going to lay out all the things that have been going through my head, my heart, my soul.

Taking a risk sharing. Knowing I will be rejected. I figured things out too late. Came to terms with my depression too late. Sought help too late to save what MM and I had. But I am going to tell him any way. I am telling him. Looking him in the eye and sharing, revealing - being vulnerable knowing answers do not come in the packages we ask for or expect.

Figuring out where I derailed was therapy enough; baring it to him will be therapy and learning, risk taking. Placing the remains of my torn heart on a platter for him and for me.

It's not going to be easy. Just thinking about it, my stomach starts to quiver.

He has told me he doesn't trust me. So I do I expect him to believe what I share? No. But are my words true and from my very core? Yes. Definitely. Yes.

Tomorrow is about him and me. No one else. No one else's beliefs, perceptions, ideals. Only us. I will be speaking from my heart. I will be listening from my heart.

I know I will cry. As my emotion is so strong, I don't see a way around it. But it is okay to cry. Emotion, feeling is okay.

Am I scared? Yes. Easier typed than executed. But I have to do this - for him and for me. I have faced some of my demons. Tomorrow I share some of my demons and in that sharing I will be facing one of my big demons as well.

Wish me luck. The healing has begun. Here's to progress in whatever form it takes.

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