So Saturday came and went without a word from MM. I even called, leaving a message - no response. Putting into motion the few insights I had gained from doing my homework from the therapist - I kept stopping jumping to conclusions. Accept - no more mind reading.
I told myself I found my closure through my soul searching, through my writing. And that was enough.
The phone rings Sunday morning. It is MM. Calling to come over. He did not forget about it, he did not brush me aside. Luckily I was dressed and ready to head to Lowe's. He'd be at my place in 20 minutes. Lowe's would have to wait.
He came when he said he would. He was here. I was ready, he was too. We caught up on life. The myriad of challenges that seem to run amuck in our lives. The cosmically inclined part of me seeing, feeling how intertwined we are. We started talking about us - not formally but I was speaking from my heart. I told him about being in denial about the depression - using his hot button subject when I was afraid - spoke about my fears - spoke about my happiness with him. Then spoke to what I had mediated on, spoke to the dogs about - the soul searching I had written as to not forget anything - because this was so important, I could not forget anything. No regrets allowed.
MM understood. MM listened with an open heart. When I was done, there was a change in his demeanor; an air of the familiar, relaxed. He said he loves me but friends first, get things straightened out. That love is still there within him. There are still mountains to climb but it turned out differently than anticipated.
No, we are not together again - life doesn't happen like that. But we have understanding. That is important. I know now within his heart that he has not given up on me. But the problems of the world are not yet solved either.
I felt the weight, the suffocating weight lift after I bared my soul. I felt peace that had been MIA for quite some time. I had no regrets. I felt myself grow a bit, felt a bit more being my true self. That was a huge bright moment - especially for the fog of darkness I have been dwelling in.
Hanging clean laundry to dry on my headboard and footboard, MM brought up my weight issues as he had my chubby tankini in his hands. He told me that I do not need to hide under it. I showed him my favorite bikini ever and said it would fit again soon. MM forced me to try it on. I did - and much to my surprise, it fit. He asked me where I felt fat - I was honest and showed him. He now understands the distorted image I see.
There in my bedroom, in my favorite bikini, MM kissed me. We kissed ever so passionately. Kissing with an unparalleled level of sensuality. He picked me up - and for the first time ever, I let him. And I shared that fact with him. So he lifted me up again. We got even more friendly. Up against my bedroom wall was the location of choice - yet another dream come true for this Gyrl. However, that dream is still awaiting fulfillment though for another time. The important thing is that up there I was doing what I wanted - not anyone else - the only people in that room were MM and I - and that was liberating - the rule book gone - the shoulds out the window - embracing life and following my heart were in that room and it was great.
In being true to myself and true to MM, I found freedom on a Sunday afternoon. There is only one person responsible for my life, my happiness, my experiences and that is me. The only opinion to matter is mine, the decisions to make are mine. I will live with the consequences. I will learn from the bad and the good. But living from the position of truth rather than fear is phenomenal! It is my position of choice.