30 January 2017

why not?

Today was a tough day. I'm not going to lie. Work was terrible as I spent the morning fighting off the angry tears in my office. As the day progressed, I become more focused on a plan to remedy the work situation.  

This evening I get home and Tour Director is text messaging away. We talked about my cruddy day. As happens quite regularly, we say the same thing at the same time to each other. I say to him half in jest that I will come cook and clean house. He responds with one of our inside train comments and that we'll get a maid for everything else. I tell him I will cook, clean, and write all day when he's at work. Tour Director's response is "wish life was so simple to be able to do that." 

Of course, I inquire "why not?"

Tour Director: my parents and the Indian society would roast me alive and sprinkle barbecue sauce over me
Me: But you are already a black sheep
Tour Director: But a living sheep
Me: But what's the point of living then?
Tour Director: That's what...... I am already living under the weight of so many accusations. They won't let you live and you can't die too.
Me: Why does life have to be so complex? That is a rhetorical question...
Tour Director: I am sick of it. So just try to enjoy whatever happiness comes my way. Small smiles. Don't expect big ones. 

And then we returned to our less serious conversation about day-to-day life.

I'm not going to lie. I cried. A lot. Severe disappointment over took me. Cue more tears.

Here is a man I am hands-down absolutely crazy about and the feeling is mutual. But the constricting societal norms are wedging themselves between us, our genuine happiness. 

I don't know if I should simply cut bait and swim off as this is going nowhere if we adhere to society. Or is more time needed for Tour Director to put his "I'm sick of it" into decisive action. 

Right now, I simply don't know. 

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