What's the Grade?

From Wendy Wasserstein's In The Heidi Chronicles...

Scoop: Let's say we married and I asked you to devote the, say, next 10 years of your life to me. To making me a home and a family and a life so secure that I could with some confidence go out into the world each day and attempt to get an A. You'd say, "No." You'd say, "Why can't we be partners? Why can't we both go out into the world and get an A?" And you'd be absolutely valid and correct.

Heidi: But Lisa...

Scoop: Do I love her, as your nice friend asked me? She's the best that I can do. Is she an A+ like you? No. But I don't want to come home to an A+. A- maybe, but not A+.

*******

The above is the story of my life... my striving to be the best, to excel, to achieve, to explore, to experience has made me an A+ in several areas of my life. However, in the personal parts of my life, that A+ aura has bit me in the bum over and over.

Even though my A+ has made dating difficult and frustrating because of the intimidation factor and the sensitivity of the male ego, I have chosen not to "dumb" myself down for the sake of a full dance card. I'VE GOTTA BE ME! And if you, Mr. Male Ego, don't like that I have seen the world, pay my own bills and can afford my lifestyle, then you are not for this girl.

So what happens if this A+ doesn't stumble upon another A+ who sees the world as I do and wants to come home to a great report card - not one BUT TWO A+s?? I will remain happy with my one A+ because at the end of the day, I have to be happy with me because after all, I am stuck with me for quite some time! :-)

The Easter Bunny Chronicles

Yesterday was my first experience working with the infamous Easter Bunny. I was up surprisingly late on Saturday night hiding 48 eggs of Easter sugar loaded happiness. Trying to be inventive in my hiding so everything wouldn't be found within five minutes but yet hoping the girls would stumble upon them without adult assistance.

Overall the day turned out good, the girls were happy that their baskets were overloaded with glorious plastic eggs and Montana Man seemed happy as well. It was fun but a little surreal at the same time. This year for the very first time in my life - I WAS THE FRIGGING EASTER BUNNY! Fledging step-monster-to-be got a big reality check yesterday.

With such grand realizations slapping me across the face and upside the head, my emotions were - and to some extent still are - all over the board. All of this family togetherness is so foreign to this single girl about town. While it is nice to have the kids running about the house with the hound dogs, I also feel a little suffocation. There is more to think about now other than myself and I am not used to all that - the coordination, the thinking before doing - which is probably normal for any married with kids - but this is a WHOLE NEW ball game for me.

CONFLICTED - the perfect summation for my universe right now.

Do I want a life of two kids (although part time, they are still more responsibility than I am used to), the ex drama, and all the other fun (note the hint of sarcasm here) that comes with Montana Man? Or go back to my previous way of life - single gal with the dogs, occasional bad dates, with no one to answer to and relatively little responsibility - a world where EVERYTHING is ALL ABOUT ME?

CONFLICTED

Selfishness or part of a bigger whole?

Regrets, worries, stress, surprises, sadness, happiness, choices, love, life, experience, emotions, feelings, priorities

A crossroads - I had not anticipated - which has led to confusion - I am having to think about and explore uncharted territory within myself

What do I want out of life?