03 June 2009

may-be-gone

Recently I have been feeling alone. The alone-ness that complements feeling helpless. It is especially troubling to me because I never have felt this way before. I am an overly independent woman who can do anything.

But lately I have been feeling my limitations. Reaching the realizations. It started with moving house coupled with Lulu's adventures in snake charming gone bad. Then trying to wrangle up furniture via craigslist. Toss in Lulu having simultaneous puke and diarrhea fest. Clearly, May was a roller coaster ride in my small corner of the universe.

I learned I don't ask for help and furthermore it is very difficult for me to ask. I have been spoiled to the n-th degree having my father just quick car ride away. He always solves my problems, always helps. He is my rock; the one person I can count on no matter what.

In my many May hours of need, sure, my father was only a phone call away, but he couldn't swoop in and solve the problem because he is 1,000 miles away. That is when the feeling of being utterly alone overcame me.

I realize though that I did live through the roller coaster ride, but it wasn't as easy as I have grown accustom to. There aren't any givens. Particularly when Lulu was spewing out both end, I made too many phone calls to my girls down here trying to find someone who would simply run to the CVS to pick up Imodium for me because even a short car ride was out of the question. No one would do it. At my wits end, I called yet another girlfriend expecting a similar response as the others, but immediately she said yes. I was beyond thankful that someone answered my distressed cries, but at the same time, disappointed in others.

May's lessons were humbling. I have to get better at asking because I cannot do everything by myself. This is uncharted territory.

2 comments:

sulkygirl said...

walking a similar path here..
June will be less stressful.. promise x

patsy said...

sulks ~ thought of you after i wrote this... yes, june has to be better! xo