maybes

He avoided me all day.

Johnny never lets an opportunity to even simply pop his head in my office and say hi.

Today - post-text message - was pure avoidance.

Maybe I misread the road signs.

Maybe he rethought the situation.

Or maybe I am over thinking again.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe the maybes plague me more than they should.

the next phase

I do love my job. The project, the people, the commute, the paycheck. Simply everything. I dwell in amazement that I quite literally got everything I wanted with this job.

We all know I am slow when it comes to men, so the fact that I figured this situation out in less than a year is absolutely stellar. There is a man at Disneyland that is interested in me. He isn't some geeky cast-off or short strange guy, which is delightful. The attraction is mutual; however, he is vocal about it whereas I am not. He's got spunk, drive, and confidence, which makes me weak in the knees.

Yesterday he marched into my office while I was speaking with a co-worker and declared, "I need you." The co-worker instinctively scattered like a cockroach citing he didn't need to be around for this conversation. The declaration was only Johnny needed me to help him with an errand but he did so in such a way to deliver two messages with one sentence. Johnny does this a lot. He also finds any reason to be close to me, like millimeters away close. A prime example being that when we left to run the errand, he did not walk ahead of me as he was blocking the aisle way but instead made me brush past him.

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking to a co-worker. Johnny came up behind me, within millimeters once again, his front to my back and placed his face near mine.

Today, again, bright and early he was back at my desk asking me to run an errand with him. Then this afternoon when we were in the desk farm, Johnny was right there next to me with barely air moving between us and of course found an excuse to lean into me.

All this lead me to send Johnny a text after work today inquiring about a cocktail this week. He isn't going to make the first move, that is very clear because while he is very forward, he hasn't pulled the trigger. Only when I provide a bit of encouragement does he then kick it up a notch. For some reason, I need to be the instigator of this grand affair.

And so I did. The text was warmly received and immediately responded to.

The story unfolds and the adventure continues...

update

Live has been busy here in Adventureland.

At the beginning of June, I was relieved of the funemplpyment status. A position I applied for on a whim due to its close location turned into the everything-I-asked-for position. I love going there every day even though it is not easy or pretty - I simply love it and refer to it as "the happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. 

Things with Nelson and I have been over for some time now. There was never a break up to be pointed to; he merely stopped caring for sex, then stopping calling. I am not angry that it is over as I was starting to feel that I was with an older version of my ex-husband, The Leech. I am disappointed that he doesn't have the balls to tell me that he is done. 

As much as I try to convince myself that life here isn't bad, I continue to hate it here. Today the realization that I have no friends here hit hard. People here lack any warmth or concern. The utter aloneness I deal with on a daily basis is starting to take its toll. 

And things are that easy for me to simply declare, "pack the house up and head back to Austin". I realized in May that life in Austin isn't the same as it was when I lived there. I keep focus on what is laying around the next curve for me because quite frankly I cannot read tea leaves to discern what's next. I never fathomed Austin would be magical. I remain steadfast in my unwaivering faith that I am here in this dreadful place to learn a lesson, for something significant in my life to occur, something that I am cannot dream of. 

Any more I spend my days at work, head to the gym and hang out with the pups. A quiet monastical life.  

oink

While I am coping fairly well with the layoff, or fUNemployment as I am calling it these days, my food consumption choices have been dismal. I refuse to step on the scale because my loose clothes aren't as loose and I quite frankly don't want to see the number. 

Last week I started returning to normal programming. No more going over to my parents' house to graze on all their bad foods. Keeping only healthy stuff in my house. No going out. Spending quality time at the gym. 

Of course, over the weekend, there was a bit of Chinese food in the picture. But a small slip is okay. 

Opted not to go to the gym last night as Nelson came over. We did take the dogs on a walk at least. 

I know my weight will come back into check once the uncertainty, limbo is gone. I just need to keep chipping away with exercise and relaxation. 

last thing i expected

March 31st was my last day at The Ranch. 

On Tuesday April 1, I awoke feeling free. Not the feeling I expected at all. Since then, I have been watchful, awaiting fear and panic to knock on my door. Neither has shown up. In fact, only torrents of relief, happy anticipation, and calmness are my frequent visitors. I welcome them with open arms even though I have completely surprised myself. 

I am enjoying getting my long to-do lists done, peace being brought into my life with each of my actions. Interviews are starting up. Realizations that I am so beyond qualified, have unique skills has made my confidence rise. I am and truly believe I am a rock star. 

I know like I know like I know that only goodness is going to come from all of this. More life balance, fewer overtime hours, more happiness, more money, more growth. More of everything that makes my heart sing and puts the wind in my sails. 

I cannot wait to see how amazing my next step is going to be!

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Sincerely, 
Lost and Alone in the Snow