inshallah

I look down at my left hand to carefully examine my palm. Only ever so faint traces of the henna are still barely detectable near the heel of my hand. The beautiful, delicate henna design has served as my measure of time since I can physically watch time slip away with the pigment placed on my skin.

My heart aches at the faintness of the art, the mark of love that once adorned my palm. Sadness sinks in when I realize that in a few short days all traces will be gone; however, the marks on my heart, the etching on my soul will never be removed.

It has been three weeks since the henna was applied to my left palm. It was a portion of what Tour Director had asked the gal to do. While he was angry that the artist hadn't done everything he asked, I was flattered that he cared that much about what the art looked like; the fact that it meant something to him too beyond my simple request to have "henna on my hands". I can still hear Tour Director in my ear telling me that the quality and amount of henna applied to a woman prior to her wedding is an important gauge of how the bride's mother-in-law feels about the bride.

Earlier that day, I had been the model for the group when we were at an amazing silk weaving business and the sales man was showing us the sari fabric. Of course, I was volunteered to go up on the platform to have the sari draped on me. The magical silk fabric was Texas orange and this man folded and whipped this delicious fabric around me in a whirlwind similar to Cinderella being dressed for the ball. Everyone ooh'd and awed. I felt so beautiful. I could not look at the back of the room where Tour Director was casually leaning against the checkout counter, his long body being held up by his bent left arm. I knew that if I looked at him I would give us away as the entire group would see my happiness radiating toward him. Summoning everything in my power to keep my eyes from him because in my heart I felt this overwhelming sensation that one day I'd be in a wedding sari with Tour Director looking deep into my soul by my side.

Later when we were alone, Tour Director asked my why I wouldn't look at him when I had the sari on and I shared my fear that we'd be exposed because I was so terribly giddy. He proceeded to tell me that I looked amazing in the dress and he so badly wanted to blow me a kiss while I was in it. I told him that if he had done that I would have for sure been overcome and poof! our situation would have been revealed.

So sitting in my dining room here today surrounded by snow, I find myself pondering what life has in store for me as well as me and Tour Director together. He and I spoke this morning. I hear his voice and all I want to do is get on a plane back to India - the world be damned! We truly miss each other as that yearning is palpable both over the phone as well as SMS. Everything is good with the exception that Tour Director is 9,000 miles/14,600 kilometers away. Not exactly conducive a quick weekend away.

I remind myself regularly that God did not place this amazing man in my path without a plan. I have my things to do and so does Tour Director. Doors will open when they are supposed to, not when I demand the doors to open. As the Tour Director and I SMS'd on New Year's Day, he'd slept through midnight as all parties were couple oriented. I told him that next year would be different and his response was "Inshallah". My reply was that "I hope Allah dropped me in your tour group for a reason". Tour Director immediately replied "Of course what do you think. He has a plan."

And so my new mantra has become "Inshallah".

incredible india

It's been awhile since I have visited this little corner of the universe.

Ballroom has been out of my life for over a year. Life has basically consisted of working way to much. However, my international travel has picked back up this year and my passport has been getting exercised.

Sunday I returned from a holiday in northern India. I booked the two week trip at the beginning of November, about a month before departure.

I have never experienced such an intense spiritual time. My world truly changed during my time overseas. There were fourteen travelers and as usual I am the youngest by a mile. The tour director is around my age; a very attractive Indian Muslim with a fabulous funny personality. For the first week, we were all business. In Jaipur, we had an afternoon free and I tried to get him to do something with me but he didn't bite. So I assumed he wasn't in to me.

The days continued. We had a lunch at a women's textile co-op and so myself and a pair of divorced sisters in their 60s sat with this Indian woman who was 43 and looked oh so older and married for 30 years. We were trying to talk but us white girls don't speak Hindi and this lady didn't speak English. We got a few things across but I yelled for the tour director to join us so he could act as translator. The woman was mortified that the three of us women were unmarried and without children. She posed the question, "what's the point of your life if you don't have children?" I relayed to her that I had wasted many years on a Punjabi man (a.k.a. the Southern Gentleman) in a relationship that went nowhere. Well that opened the proverbial can of worms. Since I was then open to Indian men, then Rajasthan men were hands down better. We bantered on about the fact that all her husband's brothers were married and if only there were one left for me. We laughed and the women's co-op was out to find me a suitable husband.

That night at the luxury camping site, we then played cricket and I discovered I was really good at cricket despite the fact I was always dreadful at baseball in school. The day had been full of me being the star as the tour director pulled me out to carry water on my head, make tea, and of course the cricket game star player. Before dinner, there was happy hour and the tour director sat next to me and we talked. Honestly, he went from not really paying attention to me to being earnestly interested in me - I chalk it up to my Punbaji confession earlier in the day. We continued on at dinner together. Tour Director and I just clicked.

That night we had a local musical group come out to sing traditional songs around the fire. A few of the men danced and of course made me come up and dance. My Bollywood dance lessons paid off and I had a great time. Never before have I been so confident and so all in, especially in the dancing space. I had such an amazing time.

Tour Director continued to pursue me. At our next stop, I was asked to his room after hours to have a drink; he doesn't drink but he'd make me rum and cokes. We talked and talked and continued to discover how very much we have in common.

At the next stop, Tour Director and I spent time after the dinner and night activities talking in his room; at the end of our evening, he hugged me. Lord, I swooned in that man's arms. Never before have I been held with such intensity, such strength, and such care. My heart leapt in my chest and I never wanted to leave his arms. The following evening we went out for the evening to a small film festival. Again we had a great time. Afterwards we went back to his room and talked. Time would simply fly and it would be later before either of us realized it. That night when I left we hugged and after ending our embrace he looked at me. The air was still, the silence palpable. Tour Director asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. OH MY! was that a kiss. A kiss that took my breath away. and it would be the first of many that would change my world.

The night before I was scheduled to return home, we decided to see how much it would cost if I extended my ticket one week. It wasn't expensive, so we did it. I would extend my trip a week and spend it with him. Never have I done anything that impulsive, without a care for consequence. All I knew was that he and I were having a marvelous time and I needed to see where this was heading.

We spent the week together and it only confirmed what I felt from the beginning - this is the man I am supposed to be with. I know it and he knows it too. I have never felt so open and fearless in telling a man how I feel; answering his questions. He and I have led the same life only on opposite sides of the world.

Leaving was so incredibly difficult. Our last night together, he held me so tightly the entire night, refusing to let me go. The past few days have been tough. Tour Director and I have been open about the gaping hole we both feel.

I'll be exploring my holiday more in the following days.

compatibility... astrologically and otherwise

So another evening with Ballroom has transpired.

I adore the man. I honestly and truly do.

There isn't any pretense. No guessing. No wondering. Not a hint of a game.

Simply this awesome flow of acceptance and understanding.

Just openness and honesty.

Ballroom was super cute as he read to me about our astrological compatibility. He did censor part of it by openly stating he was skipping over the Capricorn man and Scorpio woman in bed.

But it is so easy. So natural. All my normal hangups are non-existent.

Are y'all sitting down? I have actually told him that I like him. Not only that but that I like him a lot. And I have done that on several occasions. Who in the hell am I?!?!

But I know like I know like I know that this is it. He focused in on the fact that per the astrological compatibility, we are soul mates.

Whatever title is affixed, I can only speak for myself in that for a very long time now I have known that Ballroom was for me. The feeling is so utterly different than anything I have ever felt.

Best part of this evening was that when we parted ways, we hugged and as we disentangled, he grabbed me around the waist and simply said, "kiss me good night" and he promptly planted a big kiss on my lips.

Life is good.

strictly ballroom

It's been awhile since I have sat down and dedicated a bit of time to this little corner of my world.

So much has happened. A brand spanking new amazing job. An amazing man stepped onto the scene. Making friends in the Mile High City continues to be a challenge. The house remodel continues.

The new job opened the doorway for the new man to take hold in my world. His name is Ballroom. With 99% confidence, I can say that finally I have found him. I truly believe I have.

We are moving very slow and deliberately and that is good. I believe we both recognize the importance of the other. It is an unspoken knowledge and understanding between us.

I am beyond thankful and grateful that Ballroom is finally here. The wait has been well worth it.

maybes

He avoided me all day.

Johnny never lets an opportunity to even simply pop his head in my office and say hi.

Today - post-text message - was pure avoidance.

Maybe I misread the road signs.

Maybe he rethought the situation.

Or maybe I am over thinking again.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe the maybes plague me more than they should.

the next phase

I do love my job. The project, the people, the commute, the paycheck. Simply everything. I dwell in amazement that I quite literally got everything I wanted with this job.

We all know I am slow when it comes to men, so the fact that I figured this situation out in less than a year is absolutely stellar. There is a man at Disneyland that is interested in me. He isn't some geeky cast-off or short strange guy, which is delightful. The attraction is mutual; however, he is vocal about it whereas I am not. He's got spunk, drive, and confidence, which makes me weak in the knees.

Yesterday he marched into my office while I was speaking with a co-worker and declared, "I need you." The co-worker instinctively scattered like a cockroach citing he didn't need to be around for this conversation. The declaration was only Johnny needed me to help him with an errand but he did so in such a way to deliver two messages with one sentence. Johnny does this a lot. He also finds any reason to be close to me, like millimeters away close. A prime example being that when we left to run the errand, he did not walk ahead of me as he was blocking the aisle way but instead made me brush past him.

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking to a co-worker. Johnny came up behind me, within millimeters once again, his front to my back and placed his face near mine.

Today, again, bright and early he was back at my desk asking me to run an errand with him. Then this afternoon when we were in the desk farm, Johnny was right there next to me with barely air moving between us and of course found an excuse to lean into me.

All this lead me to send Johnny a text after work today inquiring about a cocktail this week. He isn't going to make the first move, that is very clear because while he is very forward, he hasn't pulled the trigger. Only when I provide a bit of encouragement does he then kick it up a notch. For some reason, I need to be the instigator of this grand affair.

And so I did. The text was warmly received and immediately responded to.

The story unfolds and the adventure continues...

update

Live has been busy here in Adventureland.

At the beginning of June, I was relieved of the funemplpyment status. A position I applied for on a whim due to its close location turned into the everything-I-asked-for position. I love going there every day even though it is not easy or pretty - I simply love it and refer to it as "the happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. 

Things with Nelson and I have been over for some time now. There was never a break up to be pointed to; he merely stopped caring for sex, then stopping calling. I am not angry that it is over as I was starting to feel that I was with an older version of my ex-husband, The Leech. I am disappointed that he doesn't have the balls to tell me that he is done. 

As much as I try to convince myself that life here isn't bad, I continue to hate it here. Today the realization that I have no friends here hit hard. People here lack any warmth or concern. The utter aloneness I deal with on a daily basis is starting to take its toll. 

And things are that easy for me to simply declare, "pack the house up and head back to Austin". I realized in May that life in Austin isn't the same as it was when I lived there. I keep focus on what is laying around the next curve for me because quite frankly I cannot read tea leaves to discern what's next. I never fathomed Austin would be magical. I remain steadfast in my unwaivering faith that I am here in this dreadful place to learn a lesson, for something significant in my life to occur, something that I am cannot dream of. 

Any more I spend my days at work, head to the gym and hang out with the pups. A quiet monastical life.  

oink

While I am coping fairly well with the layoff, or fUNemployment as I am calling it these days, my food consumption choices have been dismal. I refuse to step on the scale because my loose clothes aren't as loose and I quite frankly don't want to see the number. 

Last week I started returning to normal programming. No more going over to my parents' house to graze on all their bad foods. Keeping only healthy stuff in my house. No going out. Spending quality time at the gym. 

Of course, over the weekend, there was a bit of Chinese food in the picture. But a small slip is okay. 

Opted not to go to the gym last night as Nelson came over. We did take the dogs on a walk at least. 

I know my weight will come back into check once the uncertainty, limbo is gone. I just need to keep chipping away with exercise and relaxation. 

last thing i expected

March 31st was my last day at The Ranch. 

On Tuesday April 1, I awoke feeling free. Not the feeling I expected at all. Since then, I have been watchful, awaiting fear and panic to knock on my door. Neither has shown up. In fact, only torrents of relief, happy anticipation, and calmness are my frequent visitors. I welcome them with open arms even though I have completely surprised myself. 

I am enjoying getting my long to-do lists done, peace being brought into my life with each of my actions. Interviews are starting up. Realizations that I am so beyond qualified, have unique skills has made my confidence rise. I am and truly believe I am a rock star. 

I know like I know like I know that only goodness is going to come from all of this. More life balance, fewer overtime hours, more happiness, more money, more growth. More of everything that makes my heart sing and puts the wind in my sails. 

I cannot wait to see how amazing my next step is going to be!

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Sincerely, 
Lost and Alone in the Snow