quick update

before i run out the door for the day, just a quick update on super dad.

after a week and a half of silence, i finally heard from him. he was in the hospital. the entire time.

the leopard shows his spots

yesterday served as a marker. it has been exactly a week since i last spoke with super dad.

last thursday there was only an exchange of voicemail. the following day was complete and utter radio silence. i have called and left messages on both his home and mobile phones to no avail. since the voicemail boxes are not full, he is checking messages. just not returning my calls.

disappointed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings on this silence. we are old enough not to play these childish games. love me enough to tell me that we need a break. but don't simply disappear off the radar. it is not fair to disappear after he was in the hospital over night earlier last week. i was so very worried about the man i love.

but my worry and concern has moved to disappointment and is rapidly entering the anger zone.

click your heels three times

My acupuncture treatments have made a huge difference in how I am feeling. The veil of depression has lifted. However, what is left behind still doesn't help me a whole lot. I am clear thinking, clear feeling, and both of those aspects are telling me that I am done in Austin. My passion is gone. I have learned what I needed to learn from the city.

The time has come to find a new adventure. I want and need to explore new places. There is a desperate need for balance screaming throughout my being. I need to have a life that consists of more than simply work. I am tired of feeling transient and dwelling in a constant state of limbo. There is no forward or back; only the uncertainty of purgatory. I am tired of limbo. I want to learn something new, have time to make a house a home again, feel a sense of normalcy, build a life with Super Dad.

I am 110% ready to start my next phase. If only extricating myself was that easy.

how do you feel about me?

As I was cleaning out purses to donate, I stumbled upon a note from a boyfriend of long ago....

"I am a little confused about us. Are we going out? Just friends? I know we're friends, but what do you want? This girl invited back to her place for a drink last night after class, but I declined. I really like you, but I don't know how you feel about me. I know sending an e-mail isn't exactly the most romantic way to ask you out, but what do you think? I know you've got guys lined up outside your door, but I have to know if you're serious about us or not. If you want, you can give me a call tonight and talk about it, or if you're busy, send me something and tell me what's going on. I'd really like to know."

That was back in 1997. It made me realize how much my pattern has not changed over the years. Still cagey, secretive when it comes to matters of the heart. I have finally started to let my guard down with Super Dad and it has been quite nice.

I also laughed at the perpetual fallacy that I have men waiting in droves. I only wish that was true.

Coming home has been good. It is allowing me to clear out the past and dream about the future.

from a year to eternity

By 10:30 this morning, I had it with this place. For the entire week. I am so tired of feeling powerless, un-respected, tired of being beat up because everyone shoots the messenger even if she is in a nice dress...

I know I need to stop caring. But that do-gooder in me can't be turned off that easily. I am frustrated and tired and a year seems like an awful long way away.

Lulu has gotten worse and I think our set-up down here is a large contributing factor. She has stopped prancing but last night I saw the sparkle is gone from her eyes and that has made me absolutely sick. I don't know what else to do. I will call her vet and see about switching up pills, maybe try acupuncture, walking her (may help both of us), but at the end of the day, I know what she needs - her home, her yard, and me not being gone all day.

I keep reminding myself that I just need to hold on a bit longer... the year is already a 1/4 over... I can make it.... but today, right now, it feels like an eternity.

test and dev environment

I missed Super Dad terribly when he left Texas last May. But since he came and went a few short weeks ago, I miss him even more. Contrary to my typical behavior pattern, I have freely told Super Dad that I miss him. No holding back, no games, no fear; just like my martinis: straight up.

Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized".  So below is a text message exchange from the other day.

Me: Is this what it is like to be patsyized? I miss you too much.
Super Dad:  Darling, Patsyized has been around for hundreds of years. It has affected many people especially me. I love you. Being SuperDadized is only a theory. Not in production yet. Miss you baby.

I cannot wait until test and development are over and we move on into full-blown production.

flying into love

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."

Compliments of Douglas Adams'  The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... ah, the insights on flying are pretty grand.

buzzing forward

I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward.

The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.

If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.

Return of Super Dad

After nearly ten months of separation, Super Dad came to Austin for the weekend. The past three days were fabulous; quite honestly, it was even better than I could have imagined. We are a great team and get on like a house fire. Despite the huge gap in seeing each other, we were immediately and seamlessly in sync.

I found myself smiling so much my cheeks hurts, laughing more than usual and overall being disgustingly happy. The ease I feel around Super Dad baffles me. I can completely be myself, uncensored, unafraid, genuine.

We talked about a lot over the weekend, especially deep conversations occurred on Sunday afternoon. Super Dad’s statements were all future oriented, specifically our future together. Choices were the common theme: where to live, marriage versus committed relationship; Super Dad laid out all things he wanted me to decide when I am ready. The repetitive theme was all that matters is that he is with me.

And so there are pros and cons to be weighed and decisions to be made. Part of me is leery of this giddy happiness, that it might be causing temporary blindness; but the other part is telling me that I won’t know unless I jump in. During this, the Southern Gentleman’s antenna have sensed my happiness and there was an email from the Southern Gentleman in my mailbox this morning. Ten years of ambiguity with the Southern Gentleman versus one year of healthy, growing momentum with Super Dad.

I circle back to Super Dad’s determination to get better, his statements of getting back to making big bucks so we can enjoy our city home together and a beachfront condo too. We feed off each other in positive ways. Separately we light up a room, together sunglasses are required. Super Dad checks every box on my must-have list. I need some time to digest this weekend, to savor it, to synthesize it. 

pescatarians unite

Since I was a small child, I never liked liver, pork chops, or chicken. Never. Ever.

It was especially difficult growing up with a carnivorous father. Meat all the time. Being the stubborn little miss, I remember several nights where war of the worlds set out to challenge each other - to eat the meat or not to eat the meat. Typically, my unwavering will won. Yes, I was the type of child that my father liked. I wouldn't easily step into the fold. Maybe that is part of my issue with men today... but a whole other topic to delve into on another day....

Anyway, I have never been weak when faced with butchered animals. I have see carcasses the world round and frankly have never felt queasy. As recently as this fall with my holiday in Peru, I had absolutely no issue strolling down the meat aisle at the local Cusco market.

This unwavering penchant changed while on the Marrakech and Tunisia holiday. Practically through my three week adventure in North Africa, I stopped being able to consume meat. Yes, my ability to consume meat was killed while walking the aisles of outdoor markets in Marrakesh and Tunisia. Somehow seeing the "meat" au natural complete with fur, horns,and eyeballs this time was chock full of shock and awe. In Morocco, it was cow heads but more notably, the fur covered legs of the cows that started the road paved to hell. Tunisia completed my graphic journey to meatless when I saw the heads of camels hanging by the butcher's hook along with the legs and hooves. Scarred for life like I have never been scarred before.

During my time in North Africa, I stopped eating meat. Surprisingly, three months hence, I have maintained my meat boycott. After what I saw in Tunisia, I still do not wish to go back to the carnivore life style. I realize that in a group situation, I might bend the rules because being "finicky" makes life difficult and honestly I do crave that type of protein on occasion. But over all, I have become a pescatarian because I will consume fish.

Much To my surprise, I do not miss the meat. I did not think that I could make it this far; but I am ok. I do not crave steaks although occasionally bacon does tempt my palette. Luckily since pigs are taboo in Islam, I did not see any slaughtered pig; hence my ability to enjoy the occasional BLT. I am not a hard core vegetarian but mostly meatless I am. And completely content, to my surprise.