Watch me teeter.
What do I do?
I do not know what to do about MM.
Not so easy to cut bait.
What does my future hold? Is MM in my future? Am I in MM's future?
A lot of question marks.
But a lot of clarity too.
Just need to merge the two.
Maybe when MM and I talk after our "break" is over, then I will have clarity.
22 September 2006
19 September 2006
Call me if you need to bail someone out of jail
Tonight I sat poised in front of the television, eyes glued to the Dog the Bounty Hunter special about his recent arrest.
I watched as poor Beth lived through a roller coaster of emotion trying to glean any information, any assistance while her husband was in custody. At least Beth knows the system, she knows how it all works.
I sat there and a storm of emotion ran through me. I felt Beth's pain, her fear, her terror - it was palpable -I felt it in my chest, my heart. I know Beth's terror. I know how she felt. Because I lived through the same thing with MM.
MM and I had not spoken much before his arrest. I had made a brief appearance at his apartment to drop of Girlie Gyrl's birthday present. Short, sweet, I was outta there. That was Friday. I did not hear from him all weekend.
That Monday, I broke down and called him. The phone went directly into voicemail. That was odd. Very odd. Did not hear anything. I knew we were done. I had a little talk with myself on Tuesday morning, I was done with him. Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang. The caller ID read "CTY & CNTY BOULDER." I looked oddly at the phone wondering who it could be and pushed the talk button. In those few brief moments, I remember thinking "Why is Boulder County calling me?" Then the recorded voice came on stating that THIS WAS A COLLECT CALL FROM AN INMATE AT BOULDER COUNTY JAIL - insert voice stating "MM" - DO I ACCEPT THE CHARGES?
My heart stopped when I heard INMATE. JAIL. MM. I was a wreck. A million things running through my mind. I accepted the collect charges. There was MM's voice. I was still in shock. Trying to understand the concept of MM in prison. He explained what transpired. He had been in jail since Saturday night. He requested my phone number and just got it. The holiday had left him in there a day longer. Would I please pick him up from his court appointment at 2 PM today?
What do you say? To someone you love whole heartily, completely. Emotion flooding. Time stops. Fear. Terror. Those words can never convey the profound feeling. The fear laced his voice even though he was trying his hardest to hide it. My heart stopped from the minute I heard "inmate" and did not beat again until he had the ok to travel several days later. But when he asked me for help, all I could say is yes.
I had never experienced jail before. Sure there is the view that television gives you. But that is nothing. I went into survival mode much like Beth Chapman. I had to make calls I did not want to make. I had to work and rely on myself to get through uncharted territory.
I went to the jail. I did not know the protocol. There I am at the jail in my $200 jeans among the people society chooses to overlook. How do I handle it all? With style and finesse. I walk up to the receptionist and tell her I am there to pick someone up. She kinda of looks at me - I tell her "never done this before. new girl here" with a little giggle. She could tell I was a newbie the moment I walked in the door but I told her any way. It broke the ice, made me human to her. She told me he was in court and that I could sit through the proceedings if I locked all my worldly possessions in the lockers out front. Behind me I heard a male voice stating that he was the ex-wife's brother there to make a statement. My heart stopped. I hung low for a bit because I did not want the ex's brother to know of my existence or identity.
I went to place my purse and keys in the locker. A woman takes pity on me because I have selected the one locker that is broken. She knows I am a first timer. She knows I am afraid. She guides me through the process. A process she knows all too well because she is visiting an inmate. But she took me under her wing, a gentle hand to guide me through the process.
I waited until he went into the court room and then I went in about five minutes later. Law and Order? The television lies. There was bullet proof glass, tons of men and a handful of women in red jumpsuits. I quickly scanned where to sit in the three rows of church like pews. I see people in the far corner - the only caucasians - I will sit with them. Then before I can move, I hear "That's the girlfriend" coming from that same corner - those caucasians are the ex-wife, her mother and brother. My heart stops. I immediately sit up front with the non-English speaking Mexicans... in my $200 jeans. I crazily scan the red jump suits to find MM. There he is. This all feels so surreal. I cannot believe it is my life. He looks terrified. I am terrified. We make eye contact and I try my hardest to smile for him - to let him know I am there for him - he is not alone.
I look at the people who surround him. MM looks like a fish out of water. Surreal. Am I really experiencing this?
MM's name is called. He stands. My heart is still dead. I cannot believe what I am hearing. The ex-wife makes a statement and lies about him. My heart further sinks. But I put my heart out to him. I cannot believe what I am watching.
I continue to stay after he is done with the judge. None of the inmates can leave. They have to sit there and listen to everyone get arraigned. I stay there on the other side of the bullet proof glass - MM too is behind another layer of bullet proof glass - But I stay so that he is not alone. No matter how terrified I am, I stay. I do not want him to feel that he is alone - he is not alone in this nightmare.
As the afternoon wears on, the peanut gallery slowly clears but I remain steadfast in my silent pledge to stay with MM. Then the light goes on after overhearing the conversation of three women behind me that MM cannot put bail on his credit card and we are on our merry way. So I ask the officer for a little "bail for dummies 101."
I speed off to Longmont to get cash. I come back to find out there are hidden fees. I get in the queue to bail him out.
Finally the female officer calls his name. I go to meet her. I hand her the cash that I nervously pulled from the bank. While I am finalizing his paper work, man asks if I am there for MM. I say yes. He asks my name, so he can tell MM's father that he is bailed out. I am in a fog. I do not ask any questions but continue going through the paperwork to get MM out.
After the paper work is signed and the cash is in the law's hand, I sit and wait for MM. A long time passes, finally I see him walking toward the door.
A small sense of relief comes over me as we hug.
First we head to his apartment. He called his father. I overhear the father's loud voice telling MM over and over that he had better treat me good because not many women would have left him there.
MM confides in me that he is afraid and does not want to be alone. Of course, he can stay with me. I do my best to comfort him. We are both in shock. He tells me that he could see the terror in my eyes through the layers of bullet proof glass as I sat across from him - so close but yet so far through all those layers. His hands in handcuffs.
We find a lawyer. Make the appointment. Go to the appointment. Provide a loan. Get the truck out of impound. Get an ID. Lose a license. Find the bank account is dry. File motions.
It was a busy couple of days. Filled with Tension. Fear. Terror.
He told me that I was all he could think about in jail. I was the first and only phone number he asked for.
Watching The Dog the Bounty Hunter special brought all that back to the forefront tonight. We had bonded over that life altering experience. It was a defining moment in my character. Even though he had been heartless a few weeks before, I still could not leave him there in jail. My compassion over took me. My love for him ran deep.
MM and I made through that terrible time together. I thought we could make it through anything after that. ANYTHING. Guess I was wrong.
I watched as poor Beth lived through a roller coaster of emotion trying to glean any information, any assistance while her husband was in custody. At least Beth knows the system, she knows how it all works.
I sat there and a storm of emotion ran through me. I felt Beth's pain, her fear, her terror - it was palpable -I felt it in my chest, my heart. I know Beth's terror. I know how she felt. Because I lived through the same thing with MM.
MM and I had not spoken much before his arrest. I had made a brief appearance at his apartment to drop of Girlie Gyrl's birthday present. Short, sweet, I was outta there. That was Friday. I did not hear from him all weekend.
That Monday, I broke down and called him. The phone went directly into voicemail. That was odd. Very odd. Did not hear anything. I knew we were done. I had a little talk with myself on Tuesday morning, I was done with him. Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang. The caller ID read "CTY & CNTY BOULDER." I looked oddly at the phone wondering who it could be and pushed the talk button. In those few brief moments, I remember thinking "Why is Boulder County calling me?" Then the recorded voice came on stating that THIS WAS A COLLECT CALL FROM AN INMATE AT BOULDER COUNTY JAIL - insert voice stating "MM" - DO I ACCEPT THE CHARGES?
My heart stopped when I heard INMATE. JAIL. MM. I was a wreck. A million things running through my mind. I accepted the collect charges. There was MM's voice. I was still in shock. Trying to understand the concept of MM in prison. He explained what transpired. He had been in jail since Saturday night. He requested my phone number and just got it. The holiday had left him in there a day longer. Would I please pick him up from his court appointment at 2 PM today?
What do you say? To someone you love whole heartily, completely. Emotion flooding. Time stops. Fear. Terror. Those words can never convey the profound feeling. The fear laced his voice even though he was trying his hardest to hide it. My heart stopped from the minute I heard "inmate" and did not beat again until he had the ok to travel several days later. But when he asked me for help, all I could say is yes.
I had never experienced jail before. Sure there is the view that television gives you. But that is nothing. I went into survival mode much like Beth Chapman. I had to make calls I did not want to make. I had to work and rely on myself to get through uncharted territory.
I went to the jail. I did not know the protocol. There I am at the jail in my $200 jeans among the people society chooses to overlook. How do I handle it all? With style and finesse. I walk up to the receptionist and tell her I am there to pick someone up. She kinda of looks at me - I tell her "never done this before. new girl here" with a little giggle. She could tell I was a newbie the moment I walked in the door but I told her any way. It broke the ice, made me human to her. She told me he was in court and that I could sit through the proceedings if I locked all my worldly possessions in the lockers out front. Behind me I heard a male voice stating that he was the ex-wife's brother there to make a statement. My heart stopped. I hung low for a bit because I did not want the ex's brother to know of my existence or identity.
I went to place my purse and keys in the locker. A woman takes pity on me because I have selected the one locker that is broken. She knows I am a first timer. She knows I am afraid. She guides me through the process. A process she knows all too well because she is visiting an inmate. But she took me under her wing, a gentle hand to guide me through the process.
I waited until he went into the court room and then I went in about five minutes later. Law and Order? The television lies. There was bullet proof glass, tons of men and a handful of women in red jumpsuits. I quickly scanned where to sit in the three rows of church like pews. I see people in the far corner - the only caucasians - I will sit with them. Then before I can move, I hear "That's the girlfriend" coming from that same corner - those caucasians are the ex-wife, her mother and brother. My heart stops. I immediately sit up front with the non-English speaking Mexicans... in my $200 jeans. I crazily scan the red jump suits to find MM. There he is. This all feels so surreal. I cannot believe it is my life. He looks terrified. I am terrified. We make eye contact and I try my hardest to smile for him - to let him know I am there for him - he is not alone.
I look at the people who surround him. MM looks like a fish out of water. Surreal. Am I really experiencing this?
MM's name is called. He stands. My heart is still dead. I cannot believe what I am hearing. The ex-wife makes a statement and lies about him. My heart further sinks. But I put my heart out to him. I cannot believe what I am watching.
I continue to stay after he is done with the judge. None of the inmates can leave. They have to sit there and listen to everyone get arraigned. I stay there on the other side of the bullet proof glass - MM too is behind another layer of bullet proof glass - But I stay so that he is not alone. No matter how terrified I am, I stay. I do not want him to feel that he is alone - he is not alone in this nightmare.
As the afternoon wears on, the peanut gallery slowly clears but I remain steadfast in my silent pledge to stay with MM. Then the light goes on after overhearing the conversation of three women behind me that MM cannot put bail on his credit card and we are on our merry way. So I ask the officer for a little "bail for dummies 101."
I speed off to Longmont to get cash. I come back to find out there are hidden fees. I get in the queue to bail him out.
Finally the female officer calls his name. I go to meet her. I hand her the cash that I nervously pulled from the bank. While I am finalizing his paper work, man asks if I am there for MM. I say yes. He asks my name, so he can tell MM's father that he is bailed out. I am in a fog. I do not ask any questions but continue going through the paperwork to get MM out.
After the paper work is signed and the cash is in the law's hand, I sit and wait for MM. A long time passes, finally I see him walking toward the door.
A small sense of relief comes over me as we hug.
First we head to his apartment. He called his father. I overhear the father's loud voice telling MM over and over that he had better treat me good because not many women would have left him there.
MM confides in me that he is afraid and does not want to be alone. Of course, he can stay with me. I do my best to comfort him. We are both in shock. He tells me that he could see the terror in my eyes through the layers of bullet proof glass as I sat across from him - so close but yet so far through all those layers. His hands in handcuffs.
We find a lawyer. Make the appointment. Go to the appointment. Provide a loan. Get the truck out of impound. Get an ID. Lose a license. Find the bank account is dry. File motions.
It was a busy couple of days. Filled with Tension. Fear. Terror.
He told me that I was all he could think about in jail. I was the first and only phone number he asked for.
Watching The Dog the Bounty Hunter special brought all that back to the forefront tonight. We had bonded over that life altering experience. It was a defining moment in my character. Even though he had been heartless a few weeks before, I still could not leave him there in jail. My compassion over took me. My love for him ran deep.
MM and I made through that terrible time together. I thought we could make it through anything after that. ANYTHING. Guess I was wrong.
18 September 2006
10 Questions
Ok so there is a book out there by Susan Swimmer - Is He the One? 101 Questions That Will Lead You to the Truth, Whatever That Is.
The article had ten questions. My answers about MM as follows.
Q1. Does he think he's a lucky guy?
A1. He has told me that I am an amazing woman.
Q2. Are his little faults things you can handle?
A2. Sure. We all have our little faults.
Q3. Can you name the parts of you that he finds most beautiful?
A3. He always tells me that I look good. Not really in that frame of thinking right now.
Q4. Would he take the last sip of milk for his morning coffee?
A4. No, he would not. We lived through this once. He knows I need that milk in my coffee.
Q5. Can he keep a secret?
A5. Yes, he can.
Q6. Do you know how much money he has?
A6. Yes, I do.
Q7. Has he seen you when you're at your worst?
A7. He has seen my worse. That is a good portion of why we are at this crossroads now. Instead of holding my hand, he suggested the "break." That right there maybe the deal breaker - even though everything else checks out okay. I saw him at his worst and I hung in for the fight - however, he did not reciprocate.
Q8. Does he kiss you firmly?
A8. He sure does.
Q9. Does he wear a seatbelt?
A9. Yes.
Q10. Is he fun?
A10. He really is a lot of fun. We had fun out, talking to people, being vital, just watching tv on the couch. We synch. We compliment each other. But with the fun comes A7. above every now and then. What good is having fun together if you cannot get each other through the bad? We need to be able to hold the other's hand through both the good and the bad.
Link to the whole Article
The article had ten questions. My answers about MM as follows.
Q1. Does he think he's a lucky guy?
A1. He has told me that I am an amazing woman.
Q2. Are his little faults things you can handle?
A2. Sure. We all have our little faults.
Q3. Can you name the parts of you that he finds most beautiful?
A3. He always tells me that I look good. Not really in that frame of thinking right now.
Q4. Would he take the last sip of milk for his morning coffee?
A4. No, he would not. We lived through this once. He knows I need that milk in my coffee.
Q5. Can he keep a secret?
A5. Yes, he can.
Q6. Do you know how much money he has?
A6. Yes, I do.
Q7. Has he seen you when you're at your worst?
A7. He has seen my worse. That is a good portion of why we are at this crossroads now. Instead of holding my hand, he suggested the "break." That right there maybe the deal breaker - even though everything else checks out okay. I saw him at his worst and I hung in for the fight - however, he did not reciprocate.
Q8. Does he kiss you firmly?
A8. He sure does.
Q9. Does he wear a seatbelt?
A9. Yes.
Q10. Is he fun?
A10. He really is a lot of fun. We had fun out, talking to people, being vital, just watching tv on the couch. We synch. We compliment each other. But with the fun comes A7. above every now and then. What good is having fun together if you cannot get each other through the bad? We need to be able to hold the other's hand through both the good and the bad.
Link to the whole Article
16 September 2006
Pearl Madness
The other night when I was out of town for work, I went over to my friend's to check out the pearls from China. Fantastic pearls, great deals! I was so excited to have purchased my first pearls. Actually two strands. Woo Hoo!
The Munchkin was there as the Pearl Dealer is her buddy. Munchkin was explaining to Pearl that we'd known each other forever. I recounted that I had first met Munchkin when she was a freshman in high school and she was a little snot stating "You are old enough to be my mom's child!" Her mother and I were coworkers at the time. However, the Muchkin's relationship with me grew close over the years. Munchkin was in my wedding.
So Munchkin tells Pearl that "basically, she is our big sister." The power of those words did not hit me at the time. I have always craved a sister. I never realized that I had two people who considered me their big sister in the Lone Star state. I do have sisters. I have to nurture and encourage that relationship because I need that now more than ever. Even though I do not have a biological sister, I have two sisters that are even better because we have chosen to be sisters.
The Munchkin was there as the Pearl Dealer is her buddy. Munchkin was explaining to Pearl that we'd known each other forever. I recounted that I had first met Munchkin when she was a freshman in high school and she was a little snot stating "You are old enough to be my mom's child!" Her mother and I were coworkers at the time. However, the Muchkin's relationship with me grew close over the years. Munchkin was in my wedding.
So Munchkin tells Pearl that "basically, she is our big sister." The power of those words did not hit me at the time. I have always craved a sister. I never realized that I had two people who considered me their big sister in the Lone Star state. I do have sisters. I have to nurture and encourage that relationship because I need that now more than ever. Even though I do not have a biological sister, I have two sisters that are even better because we have chosen to be sisters.
15 September 2006
Once upon a time....
there lived a fair girl in the suburbs. While our dear princess was a bright soul, she lived under the rule of her parents, the Stalins. She tried and tired to escape. However, her many attempts never came to fruition. Like a good princess, she went to school and was a good girl. She kissed a few frogs along the way and then after graduation she kissed a lot more frogs. With each kiss, she hoped her prince would come. He never did.
She married a frog disguised as a prince. However, his slimy amphibian ways started to show after they said I Do in a lavish ceremony. The princess kept trying to make the marriage work but the frog grew more frog-like and disgusting every day. Finally, our princess kicked the frog out of the castle.
Our princess went back to kissing frogs with high hopes of finding her prince. She kissed and kissed. Then poof! out of not where she met a prince. Fell in love and fell hard. But the prince had some baggage, as did our princess; so things did not work out - timing was a little off. The princess was sad and cried.
But our princess... is she a quitter? Hell no. She goes back out kissing frogs - only thing is now she is older and a little smarter. She did lots of work on herself. Reading, talking to herself and her dogs, facing demons and truths. Our princess is one tough cookie with a heart of gold. The new and improved princess was out and about and POOF! out of nowhere, she met Prince Charming. Fireworks exploded. Birds sang. Planets aligned. Angels smiled.
Now Prince Charming and our Princess occasionally have problems but they work things out. They are an excellent team. They get each other. They are committed to their marriage. They cannot imagine life before they met. All is happy in the kingdom. They have a beautiful new castle. The world is their oyster and there is no complication that they cannot conquer together. They threw fabulous parties, traveled the world. But most importantly, they loved each other with all their heart and all their soul. It was the strength of that love and their dedication to each other that makes life. And they lived happily ever after.
She married a frog disguised as a prince. However, his slimy amphibian ways started to show after they said I Do in a lavish ceremony. The princess kept trying to make the marriage work but the frog grew more frog-like and disgusting every day. Finally, our princess kicked the frog out of the castle.
Our princess went back to kissing frogs with high hopes of finding her prince. She kissed and kissed. Then poof! out of not where she met a prince. Fell in love and fell hard. But the prince had some baggage, as did our princess; so things did not work out - timing was a little off. The princess was sad and cried.
But our princess... is she a quitter? Hell no. She goes back out kissing frogs - only thing is now she is older and a little smarter. She did lots of work on herself. Reading, talking to herself and her dogs, facing demons and truths. Our princess is one tough cookie with a heart of gold. The new and improved princess was out and about and POOF! out of nowhere, she met Prince Charming. Fireworks exploded. Birds sang. Planets aligned. Angels smiled.
Now Prince Charming and our Princess occasionally have problems but they work things out. They are an excellent team. They get each other. They are committed to their marriage. They cannot imagine life before they met. All is happy in the kingdom. They have a beautiful new castle. The world is their oyster and there is no complication that they cannot conquer together. They threw fabulous parties, traveled the world. But most importantly, they loved each other with all their heart and all their soul. It was the strength of that love and their dedication to each other that makes life. And they lived happily ever after.
Back home.
And quite frankly never thought I would be so happy to come home. To my house. My hounds.
Picking up the hound girls from the kennel was wonderful. They heard me talking and started crying because they knew I was there to spring them.
I cried last night, this morning, and a bit this evening.
I was surprised when he called today after his court date. Was not expecting that at all. Not after how cool he was yesterday at the airport.
I have to continue doing my work on myself. Really do the Calling In book to discover and heal.
I am slowly making peace with the reality that things are over. I will be ok with it. I will.
And quite frankly never thought I would be so happy to come home. To my house. My hounds.
Picking up the hound girls from the kennel was wonderful. They heard me talking and started crying because they knew I was there to spring them.
I cried last night, this morning, and a bit this evening.
I was surprised when he called today after his court date. Was not expecting that at all. Not after how cool he was yesterday at the airport.
I have to continue doing my work on myself. Really do the Calling In book to discover and heal.
I am slowly making peace with the reality that things are over. I will be ok with it. I will.
13 September 2006
Raw Emotion
He does not love me. Plain. Simple. Truth.
I cannot allow him to treat me like this any more.
The pain. Of. The. Words.
The words. Simple text messaging. Gone awry.
I need to embrace openness. love. without fear of retribution. blame.
I need someone to love me.
I need to love me. most of all. above anyone else.
I cannot find it elsewhere. Only within.
An army of one. I need to learn it. Live it. Be it.
I do not want to cut my heart out. So why do I allow others to cut my heart out for me?
Because I care too much. I give too much of my heart away. I make it possible.
Raw emotion. No one here understands the pain I endure.
I am tired of the tears. I am tired of the pain. I am simply tired. Exhausted. Done.
I do not believe this stone can be turned over. I do not think I can overlook the pain of tonight. I do not think that starting over is an option.
The steak is done. Well done. It needs to be thrown off the damn grill already.
What a waste.
I cannot allow him to treat me like this any more.
The pain. Of. The. Words.
The words. Simple text messaging. Gone awry.
I need to embrace openness. love. without fear of retribution. blame.
I need someone to love me.
I need to love me. most of all. above anyone else.
I cannot find it elsewhere. Only within.
An army of one. I need to learn it. Live it. Be it.
I do not want to cut my heart out. So why do I allow others to cut my heart out for me?
Because I care too much. I give too much of my heart away. I make it possible.
Raw emotion. No one here understands the pain I endure.
I am tired of the tears. I am tired of the pain. I am simply tired. Exhausted. Done.
I do not believe this stone can be turned over. I do not think I can overlook the pain of tonight. I do not think that starting over is an option.
The steak is done. Well done. It needs to be thrown off the damn grill already.
What a waste.
12 September 2006
Cuts like a knife
The pit in my heart continues to grow. Here it is a week later, and it hasn't lessened. The pain is there. It does not go away. It really hurts.
Even my divorce did not hurt like this.
What am I going to do?
Does this pain mean anything?
How do I process this?
I have choices to make.
He has choices to make too.
What is my choice? What if our choices do not match? What do I do with my pain then?
Even my divorce did not hurt like this.
What am I going to do?
Does this pain mean anything?
How do I process this?
I have choices to make.
He has choices to make too.
What is my choice? What if our choices do not match? What do I do with my pain then?
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