learning to live in the now

It's been awhile since our last Lulu update.

Ms. Lulu and I have been getting into our groove. She has been doing good,alert, playing again, trying to run... I say trying because Lulu would run but I am still making her take it slow. I think "slow" is her most dreaded word now.

Monday we had our internal medicine vet checkup. Everything, in terms of the surgeries is looking good. Awhile back, I had noticed a lump on the left side of Lulu's chest on her lower rib. Recently, the lump has grown. Already knowing the answer deep in my heart, I asked the internal med vet to look at it. Chest x-rays were taken and sent off to the radiologist and pathologist for further review.

Tuesday afternoon, the internal medicine vet called with the dreaded news. My sweet, strong baby girl has bone cancer.

All the vets originally suspected bone cancer as the cause of the break, but was dismissed during surgery. According to the internal med vet, this hateful disease most likely had spread from her leg prior to the break. Due to all Lulu has been through and knowing it has already spread, surgery is not an option.

Sadly in the wee hours of Thursday morning, Lulu already started experiencing pain. This is way too fast. Just two days before, she was trotting and playing. Thursday was really bad in terms of both grave realizations and seeing her affected. Luckily Lulu has the best general vet and he immediately put her on a pain management cocktail that is working wonders. Lulu's eyes are bright again and she took me on a long walk yesterday.

On Monday, Lulu has her doggie chemo. We can't eradicate the disease, but we can slow the growth and most importantly keep our girl out of pain so we can make the most of her remaining days.

I wish I had different news to share with you. Over here at Stepford, our focus is remaining steadfast on an abundance of love and making the most out of everyday. Lulu is the bravest and strongest little hound.

xoxo

change of plans

As I watch Lulu peacefully sleeping, I think about the months long plans for today.

This morning I was supposed to get on a plane bound for New York, then on to Delhi reaching my final destination in Colombo, Sri Lanka.  After eight days seeing all there is to see and experience in Sri Lanka, I would head back to India to explore the country's southern half for a few weeks. I would completely disconnect from the world. Immerse myself in a magical country. Recharge after a long hard year. Once again celebrate my birthday in a foreign land.

Those plans and plane tickets were cancelled shortly after Lulu broke her leg. I knew I could no leave her while she was still recovering. I cancelled the trip not knowing the road would get more complicated with the amputation and subsequent brush with death.

Would I change my decision? Hell no. I need to be here with my little girl. This morning she sneaked into the office closet where her treats live and helped herself to two big bones. Striding from the office to the great room, Lulu kept her eyes straight ahead walked by me like she was invisible. Those are the antics of my perfectly healthy Lulu.

So while my heart isn't swelling with the anticipation and excitement of getting on a plane to destinations unknown, I am filled with happiness and true joy that my little hound girl is finally back to herself. Sri Lanka and India will always be there, my time with my baby hound girl is finite (Lord knows this was a huge reminder) and I rearranged my priorities based on that understanding.

nine years ago today

This morning as I looked at the calendar, I had a nagging feeling trying to remember why 10/26 felt like a day I should remember. Nothing came to my coffee deprived brain and physically sore body.

Later in the morning as I literally stared into the calendar trying desperately to remember the importance of today, the lightening bolt finally struck.

October 26th. The day I got married. Nine long years ago. Wow, a date that was once so important is now nothing more than a fleeting memory. I am actually and honestly surprised the significance of the date escaped me. I did not think that could actually happen, especially to me with my date and face steel trap mind. Repression is a wonderful thing, I suppose.

But looking back, shortly before 10/26/02, I knew this union was doomed. Deep within my soul, I knew without a doubt this relationship was not one of equality. At the time, I chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters. Now I know differently. Without a doubt.

Nine years later, I can say that I enjoyed my wedding day. Loved that I shared a special moment with my dearest family and friends, especially since several of my extra special dear ones are no longer on this earthly journey with me. I loved my dress. But I keep coming back to sharing that special time with people I loved, creating special connections with so many family members that I didn't previously know. For the relationship building alone, I would not trade that day for the world.

If it weren't for getting married, I would not have my precious Lulu and Juju. My world would be so pale if it weren't for those two dogs. The same dogs I would do anything for because they are an integral part of me.

I don't look back on today with bitterness and anger. Today's memories are filled with a gorgeous dress and love for my family and friends. Maybe the Beatles are right... all you need is love...

conflicted

Let's walk back in time, about four years ago. Remember how thrilled I was to be down here. How I was so sure this place, Austin was where I was meant to be.

Sadly, that feeling, that powerful feeling of knowing has left. In fact, I have become very restless. For some time now, I have been overcome by an intense feeling that my time here is done. With each passing week, that feeling is amplified.

But I know this place is going to be so hard to leave. My friends, the lifestyle, constant activity. Austin has been so special and I know I will be leaving behind so many wonderful people. Saying goodbye is going to be so difficult. But at the same time, I know I need something, some place new.

Conflicted feelings. Stay or go. However, I know I have to follow my heart and my heart is telling me that the end is near.

leaps and bounds

Lulu is making great progress!

On Tuesday, we had an appointment with her internal medicine doc. The appointment was filled with great news! The doc was thrilled and amazed at her progress. No further surgery required at this time! Yippee! No exploratory surgery! Finishing up pills to get to the point where Lulu will only be on one super heavy duty antibiotic. She gained two pounds in a week! Our next appointment is in two weeks.

While she was recovering from her first surgery when the metal plate and bolts were installed, my only prayer was that my baby would be able to play and be active again. Even though not in the way I had envisioned, God answered my prayers.

Right now, Lulu is actively playing with her toys. Playing like she did prior to August 23rd. She is learning how to compensate for the missing back leg, but Lulu is playing again. She is running a bit again. The smile on my face is so wide that my cheeks hurt.

the sun is peeking through

I am ever so exhausted on all levels.

Finally, I feel that I can breath because Lulu had a good check up at the internal medicine doc's.

While I felt I was seeing great progress, I felt so much better when all the doctors and staff's comments mirrored my own.

She is better. Lulu is an amazing little girl.

We have finally turned the corner and are on the road to recovery.

Tomorrow marks week six.  An anniversary of sorts around here. Six weeks since our lives changed in a brief second when Lulu broke her leg.

During my terror of a Sunday, Lulu had responded well to treatment and was showing signs of improvement on Monday morning. Last Wednesday, Lulu was released from ICU. A very happy day. While she was very, very thin, Lulu was finally home with me. 

Friday we had a check up with her internal medicine doc. Saturday morning, her internal medicine doc called with the results of Lulu's culture. The big, bad bacteria we have to battle is MRSA. My heart sank when the internal medicine doc said that horrible word. New, super antibiotics were prescribed and I made sure Lulu was eating them immediately.

Upon coming home from the antibiotic pickup, a new development presented itself - muscle coming through a draining hole. Dying tissue and a phone call to the emergency vet yielded a road trip to the ICU office. The hott emergency vet took care of us. Dead tissue removed, both Lulu and I happy.

Sunday morning, I awoke to find more dead tissue coming out of the drainage hole. My heart sank once again; this time with the thought of surgical intervention looming. Calls again to the ICU. Another trip to the ICU.

Due to the MSRA issue, we were sequestered to an exam room and had to wait until the place was cleared. Hott doc took care of us again. He was pleased with the amount of tissue removed. Several hours later, we were back home.

This morning I braced myself for more dead tissue. But Lulu was all clear and had rosy pink skin. Hopefully we are finally turning the corner. I am especially hopeful since we walked to the mailbox and Lulu handled the walk better than she did after three weeks of a broken leg. Maybe the worst is finally behind us.

Thank you for all your prayers for my sweet little girl.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Prayers Desperately Needed

The past five weeks have been an utter nightmare.

On a plain old Tuesday night, I got home from work. Let Lulu out and within moments I heard her scream. I remember thinking that Lulu took off out the door quicker than usual. She was a greyhound at top speed.

She broke her leg.

Not a clean break, but shattered the bone.

After a 6 hour surgery, she had a shiny new metal plate and screws in her leg; to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

After providing her with round the clock care to make sure that leg would mend, on Monday we had the 4 week x-rays. The x-rays showed worse case, the bones were not growing back together. In fact, the surgery had not taken. The only option for her - amputation.

Tuesday Lulu's leg was removed. It has been a tough week but together Lulu and I were making it. Friday's bandage change resulted in high concerns, and she was rushed to the internal medicine doctor and admitted to the ICU for the weekend.

While the other complications are improving, Lulu's surgical site is now the primary concern. The ICU surgeon will evaluate her in the morning.

Please please pray for my little hound girl. She has been my lifeline through so many events. Please pray for Lulu's recovery.

you and i collide

Thursday night, I returned from my run with the pup to learn I'd missed a phone call from The Southern Gentleman. During our last conversation a month or so before, he'd been a little cagey venting about the careless actions of someone he knew. I had surmised the vagueness equaled a girlfriend. This phone call revealed that the previous story indeed was about a girlfriend.

Why should that upset me? After all, I sorta have a sorta telephone man friend. The Southern Gentleman and I have never openly declared a mutual undying love. But it still hurt hearing about her, the woman who is taking for granted the man that I cannot shake from my being.

Theirs is a long distance relationship that has been in existence about six months. They live on opposite sides of the country. I get the impression he is the one who goes to see her, every four to six weeks. The Southern Gentleman spoke at length about his frustrations, his thoughts, his feelings. The conversation was very one-sided where I merely listened to his inner dialogue being spoken for the first time. He is not impressed with the distance as he said that it has taken much longer to start seeing her more comfortable self. I agreed that there is the rub, whenever the distance is removed for a weekend, it is vacation time. A lesson I learned the hard way and later resulted in a divorce.

She is in her early thirties and lives at home with her parents. He is in his late thirties. The general impression is she is a spoiled brat; while, the main theme was that he is done with her. She flipped that he'd be staying with a female platonic friend when he attended an out-of-town event over the weekend. At that point, the conversation began to incorporate where I fell into the grand picture. He said that he explained to girlfriend that he had long time girlfriends, completely platonic, like me. He went on to say that he has actually spoken about me at great length, on several occasions. That we've shared the same bed together many times. As he really tried to careful select his words, he finally decided to share, "and few times we almost collided."

He then begins my inquisition to determine if I am dating anyone. I did not share with him the story of the shadow dwelling in Georgia. I did share my frustration at being alone despite all the positives.

Before you know it, The Southern Gentleman jumps to speaking of coming to see me and the pup. I wonder where he will sleep when he comes here next. While I tell him that he is always welcome and I would love to see him, on the inside I am reeling from the diametrically opposed messages: talked about a great length but yet nothing more.

I know I shouldn't care. But I also cannot rid myself of the feelings and sparks that I feel when we are together. A connection that has not faded in eleven years. Not for me. Not for him. Maybe I am rationalizing. But he is the self-proclaimed hater of talking on the phone, so why does every call he places to me last a minimum of one hour? Instant responses to email? Even if he is on the other side of the world? Everything he says he won't do, he does with me, for me. Not even my bestest gay friend keeps such close tabs on me.

Mixed messages?

Self-delusion?

it's getting hot in here

The heat is stifling down here. Daily it hits a minimum 100 degrees. Throw in humidity and the resulting heat index pushes the temperature over the top.

I can happily do the dry heat of Arizona, but this humidity-driven heat drains me. Leaving the house and my protective air conditioning bubble does not sound appealing. The conditions down here never bothered me as much in past years. I think this is simply yet another sign that I am over this place. Time to move on.

What I do need to do is to reset my bad attitude. I am going to be down here for another year. I need to make a conscious effort to reconnect with life in the ATX. Look past the heat, the pettiness, and redefine, remember the things I used to love down here. Look at this place and my situation with fresh eyes. Enjoy the moment down here instead of focusing solely on my escape plan.