By 10:30 this morning, I had it with this place. For the entire week. I am so tired of feeling powerless, un-respected, tired of being beat up because everyone shoots the messenger even if she is in a nice dress...
I know I need to stop caring. But that do-gooder in me can't be turned off that easily. I am frustrated and tired and a year seems like an awful long way away.
Lulu has gotten worse and I think our set-up down here is a large contributing factor. She has stopped prancing but last night I saw the sparkle is gone from her eyes and that has made me absolutely sick. I don't know what else to do. I will call her vet and see about switching up pills, maybe try acupuncture, walking her (may help both of us), but at the end of the day, I know what she needs - her home, her yard, and me not being gone all day.
I keep reminding myself that I just need to hold on a bit longer... the year is already a 1/4 over... I can make it.... but today, right now, it feels like an eternity.
21 March 2011
15 March 2011
test and dev environment
I missed Super Dad terribly when he left Texas last May. But since he came and went a few short weeks ago, I miss him even more. Contrary to my typical behavior pattern, I have freely told Super Dad that I miss him. No holding back, no games, no fear; just like my martinis: straight up.
Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized". So below is a text message exchange from the other day.
Me: Is this what it is like to be patsyized? I miss you too much.
Super Dad: Darling, Patsyized has been around for hundreds of years. It has affected many people especially me. I love you. Being SuperDadized is only a theory. Not in production yet. Miss you baby.
I cannot wait until test and development are over and we move on into full-blown production.
Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized". So below is a text message exchange from the other day.
Me: Is this what it is like to be patsyized? I miss you too much.
Super Dad: Darling, Patsyized has been around for hundreds of years. It has affected many people especially me. I love you. Being SuperDadized is only a theory. Not in production yet. Miss you baby.
I cannot wait until test and development are over and we move on into full-blown production.
11 March 2011
flying into love
"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."
10 March 2011
buzzing forward
I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward.
The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.
If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.
The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.
If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.
07 March 2011
Return of Super Dad
After nearly ten months of separation, Super Dad came to Austin for the weekend. The past three days were fabulous; quite honestly, it was even better than I could have imagined. We are a great team and get on like a house fire. Despite the huge gap in seeing each other, we were immediately and seamlessly in sync.
I found myself smiling so much my cheeks hurts, laughing more than usual and overall being disgustingly happy. The ease I feel around Super Dad baffles me. I can completely be myself, uncensored, unafraid, genuine.
We talked about a lot over the weekend, especially deep conversations occurred on Sunday afternoon. Super Dad’s statements were all future oriented, specifically our future together. Choices were the common theme: where to live, marriage versus committed relationship; Super Dad laid out all things he wanted me to decide when I am ready. The repetitive theme was all that matters is that he is with me.
And so there are pros and cons to be weighed and decisions to be made. Part of me is leery of this giddy happiness, that it might be causing temporary blindness; but the other part is telling me that I won’t know unless I jump in. During this, the Southern Gentleman’s antenna have sensed my happiness and there was an email from the Southern Gentleman in my mailbox this morning. Ten years of ambiguity with the Southern Gentleman versus one year of healthy, growing momentum with Super Dad.
19 February 2011
pescatarians unite
Since I was a small child, I never liked liver, pork chops, or chicken. Never. Ever.
It was especially difficult growing up with a carnivorous father. Meat all the time. Being the stubborn little miss, I remember several nights where war of the worlds set out to challenge each other - to eat the meat or not to eat the meat. Typically, my unwavering will won. Yes, I was the type of child that my father liked. I wouldn't easily step into the fold. Maybe that is part of my issue with men today... but a whole other topic to delve into on another day....
Anyway, I have never been weak when faced with butchered animals. I have see carcasses the world round and frankly have never felt queasy. As recently as this fall with my holiday in Peru, I had absolutely no issue strolling down the meat aisle at the local Cusco market.
This unwavering penchant changed while on the Marrakech and Tunisia holiday. Practically through my three week adventure in North Africa, I stopped being able to consume meat. Yes, my ability to consume meat was killed while walking the aisles of outdoor markets in Marrakesh and Tunisia. Somehow seeing the "meat" au natural complete with fur, horns,and eyeballs this time was chock full of shock and awe. In Morocco, it was cow heads but more notably, the fur covered legs of the cows that started the road paved to hell. Tunisia completed my graphic journey to meatless when I saw the heads of camels hanging by the butcher's hook along with the legs and hooves. Scarred for life like I have never been scarred before.
During my time in North Africa, I stopped eating meat. Surprisingly, three months hence, I have maintained my meat boycott. After what I saw in Tunisia, I still do not wish to go back to the carnivore life style. I realize that in a group situation, I might bend the rules because being "finicky" makes life difficult and honestly I do crave that type of protein on occasion. But over all, I have become a pescatarian because I will consume fish.
Much To my surprise, I do not miss the meat. I did not think that I could make it this far; but I am ok. I do not crave steaks although occasionally bacon does tempt my palette. Luckily since pigs are taboo in Islam, I did not see any slaughtered pig; hence my ability to enjoy the occasional BLT. I am not a hard core vegetarian but mostly meatless I am. And completely content, to my surprise.
It was especially difficult growing up with a carnivorous father. Meat all the time. Being the stubborn little miss, I remember several nights where war of the worlds set out to challenge each other - to eat the meat or not to eat the meat. Typically, my unwavering will won. Yes, I was the type of child that my father liked. I wouldn't easily step into the fold. Maybe that is part of my issue with men today... but a whole other topic to delve into on another day....
Anyway, I have never been weak when faced with butchered animals. I have see carcasses the world round and frankly have never felt queasy. As recently as this fall with my holiday in Peru, I had absolutely no issue strolling down the meat aisle at the local Cusco market.
This unwavering penchant changed while on the Marrakech and Tunisia holiday. Practically through my three week adventure in North Africa, I stopped being able to consume meat. Yes, my ability to consume meat was killed while walking the aisles of outdoor markets in Marrakesh and Tunisia. Somehow seeing the "meat" au natural complete with fur, horns,and eyeballs this time was chock full of shock and awe. In Morocco, it was cow heads but more notably, the fur covered legs of the cows that started the road paved to hell. Tunisia completed my graphic journey to meatless when I saw the heads of camels hanging by the butcher's hook along with the legs and hooves. Scarred for life like I have never been scarred before.
During my time in North Africa, I stopped eating meat. Surprisingly, three months hence, I have maintained my meat boycott. After what I saw in Tunisia, I still do not wish to go back to the carnivore life style. I realize that in a group situation, I might bend the rules because being "finicky" makes life difficult and honestly I do crave that type of protein on occasion. But over all, I have become a pescatarian because I will consume fish.
Much To my surprise, I do not miss the meat. I did not think that I could make it this far; but I am ok. I do not crave steaks although occasionally bacon does tempt my palette. Luckily since pigs are taboo in Islam, I did not see any slaughtered pig; hence my ability to enjoy the occasional BLT. I am not a hard core vegetarian but mostly meatless I am. And completely content, to my surprise.
06 February 2011
courses
Remember my giddy happiness at Super Dad's impending arrival?
Remember I was counting down the days?
All that is done now. Super Dad will not be arriving on Thursday afternoon.
During our conversation on Friday night, I mentioned that he would be here at this time next week. Super Dad was insistent that he was arriving in two weeks as next weekend he has his son. After Super Dad confirmed that his ticket is indeed for 10 Feb, he inquired with his ex-wife as to swapping weekends. Of course, his ex-wife has "plans" with her husband that weekend and cannot possibly keep their almost seventeen year old son.
I am surrounded by disappointed. A ticket is lost as well as a long overdue weekend together. Just when I start feeling revitalized about our relationship, another barrier is raised. Regardless of the man, I am growing incredibly tired of the constant hurdles. In Shakespeare's immortal words 'the course of true love never did run smooth', all my courses, true love, sorta love, or not love, are thwarted with landmines. I am ready to put my flack jacket away and enjoy a smooth newly paved road.
Remember I was counting down the days?
All that is done now. Super Dad will not be arriving on Thursday afternoon.
During our conversation on Friday night, I mentioned that he would be here at this time next week. Super Dad was insistent that he was arriving in two weeks as next weekend he has his son. After Super Dad confirmed that his ticket is indeed for 10 Feb, he inquired with his ex-wife as to swapping weekends. Of course, his ex-wife has "plans" with her husband that weekend and cannot possibly keep their almost seventeen year old son.
I am surrounded by disappointed. A ticket is lost as well as a long overdue weekend together. Just when I start feeling revitalized about our relationship, another barrier is raised. Regardless of the man, I am growing incredibly tired of the constant hurdles. In Shakespeare's immortal words 'the course of true love never did run smooth', all my courses, true love, sorta love, or not love, are thwarted with landmines. I am ready to put my flack jacket away and enjoy a smooth newly paved road.
03 February 2011
here, there, and everywhere
A week from today, Super Dad will be here.
And I am excited.
Life has been complicated the past few weeks. Lots of emotional upheaval due to our dreaded friend, Death. A trip home. Decisions faced. Consequences dealt with.
But as of yesterday, I don't spontaneously cry at my desk any more. Instead, I concentrate on the excitement brewing with in me. The excitement of seeing Super Dad.
And I am excited.
Life has been complicated the past few weeks. Lots of emotional upheaval due to our dreaded friend, Death. A trip home. Decisions faced. Consequences dealt with.
But as of yesterday, I don't spontaneously cry at my desk any more. Instead, I concentrate on the excitement brewing with in me. The excitement of seeing Super Dad.
17 January 2011
be careful what you wish for
Super Dad bought his airline ticket and will be visiting me next month. We haven't seen each other since May. So you'd thinking I would be overjoyed awaiting his arrival. Oddly, though, I am rather indifferent.
I am truly surprised at my reaction, or lack of reaction at this news. Super Dad and I speak almost daily, sometimes several times daily. I have whined ad nauseum about not seeing Super Dad. So what is this disconnect?!
I am fairly certain our buddy, fear is driving my turtle-hiding-in-my-shell behavior. After all this time and all the medical drama, what is he going to look like? Is Super Dad going to be different as a result? How will I feel when I see him? What will our time together be like? Will his physical problems dominate? Am I going to be disappointed? What is the outcome going to be?
I am trying to put the questions to the back and simply be ready to see Super Dad. To enjoy our time together.
I am truly surprised at my reaction, or lack of reaction at this news. Super Dad and I speak almost daily, sometimes several times daily. I have whined ad nauseum about not seeing Super Dad. So what is this disconnect?!
I am fairly certain our buddy, fear is driving my turtle-hiding-in-my-shell behavior. After all this time and all the medical drama, what is he going to look like? Is Super Dad going to be different as a result? How will I feel when I see him? What will our time together be like? Will his physical problems dominate? Am I going to be disappointed? What is the outcome going to be?
I am trying to put the questions to the back and simply be ready to see Super Dad. To enjoy our time together.
05 January 2011
decisions, choices, roads travelled
Lately I have noticed that children keep catching my attention. Unconsciously I am drawn to taking in the antics of children. Maybe this is my so-called biological clock kicking in, because there are cute little people coming out of the wood work. I never knew so many existed.
Case in point, a little boy about four years old was having an early dinner with his mom at Costco this afternoon. While I munched on my churro, I was enamored watching him and all his fascination with the world, particularly the soda vending machine. From the looks his mother was giving me, I am positive she believed I was planning his abduction.
The realization that I am 36 has hit hard. Sure, women have babies well into their 40s. But there is this little nagging part of me that realizes the die is cast and I don't quite know how I feel about it; I suppose it is that small pang of regret that is bothering me.
My choices have led me here. But I love my life. As I talk out of both sides of my mouth, I truly do believe I lead a charmed existence and enjoy so very much each and every experience I am presented with. A great career, the ability to travel, to be flexible (for the most part, uprooting dogs and such) to go where the wind blows me. I totally know I could not go buy an arm-load of dresses or head off to exotic foreign lands if I had a child. I love my freedom. I don't know that I could not surrender that vital part of myself.
But then I wonder at what point is the dress shopping going to get old. Will Super Dad be my equivalent of Carrie's Mr. Big and we'll be enough for each other? I did enjoy playing Easter Bunny for Montana Man's children. Therein lies the catch-22. I don't want to be a single mother either. While sounding utterly pathetic, I have a difficult enough time being a "single parent" to a 55 pound accident-prone dog that I could not imagine dealing with the demands of a child. Maybe that right there is my answer.
Nothing is perfect though. Some of my married-with-children friends envy my freedom. The grass isn't greener on either side of our fences; it is simply a different length. I just don't want to wake up one day and wish I had gone left instead of right at the fork in the road.
Case in point, a little boy about four years old was having an early dinner with his mom at Costco this afternoon. While I munched on my churro, I was enamored watching him and all his fascination with the world, particularly the soda vending machine. From the looks his mother was giving me, I am positive she believed I was planning his abduction.
The realization that I am 36 has hit hard. Sure, women have babies well into their 40s. But there is this little nagging part of me that realizes the die is cast and I don't quite know how I feel about it; I suppose it is that small pang of regret that is bothering me.
My choices have led me here. But I love my life. As I talk out of both sides of my mouth, I truly do believe I lead a charmed existence and enjoy so very much each and every experience I am presented with. A great career, the ability to travel, to be flexible (for the most part, uprooting dogs and such) to go where the wind blows me. I totally know I could not go buy an arm-load of dresses or head off to exotic foreign lands if I had a child. I love my freedom. I don't know that I could not surrender that vital part of myself.
But then I wonder at what point is the dress shopping going to get old. Will Super Dad be my equivalent of Carrie's Mr. Big and we'll be enough for each other? I did enjoy playing Easter Bunny for Montana Man's children. Therein lies the catch-22. I don't want to be a single mother either. While sounding utterly pathetic, I have a difficult enough time being a "single parent" to a 55 pound accident-prone dog that I could not imagine dealing with the demands of a child. Maybe that right there is my answer.
Nothing is perfect though. Some of my married-with-children friends envy my freedom. The grass isn't greener on either side of our fences; it is simply a different length. I just don't want to wake up one day and wish I had gone left instead of right at the fork in the road.
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