I started this post with the idea I would discuss my confusion and growing crystallization of where I should go with Montana Man's professions of undying love the other evening.
However, there is more to the picture than I had initially realized. There is a depth to the answer that is even more cavernous than I have even been able to admit to myself. Montana Man's statements have affected me beyond a point that he was aware.
What am I doing with my life? What do I want out of my life? What is the legacy I want to leave behind? What the fuck?!
Tomorrow marks six months until my 33rd birthday. Six months closer to close of another year. Six months of spinning. Six months of questions left unanswered. Six months to change things in this thing that is my life.
At what point do I decide to settle? Do I settle at all? I want a husband, I want a child or two, I want a family that consists of something more than just my job and the hounds. Jobs are not the be all, end all - maybe for some people, and I truly believed I was one of those people but I am not. Not any more. I want to have someone give me a mother's day present purchased from a dollar store or drawn on a piece of construction paper. I want everything I have fought so hard against.
You see, there's the rub. I have always strove to be independent, rely on no one, totally self-sufficient Wanderlust Gyrl. And now I want something besides what I have spent years getting so good at. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not being needed. I am tired of not having someone to lean on. Not having someone to trust, be vulnerable with. Much like Belle, I want more than this provincial life. While I lead a life that many envy, to me, it is an empty life. Friends are wonderful, so is family, but it is not the same. It is not my own. While the hounds and I share a bond of a pack, I deeply desire the higher bond of my very own family.
Cue: Montana Man.
Of all the men I have ever met, Montana Man is the only one who has ever understood me. He has his flaws. But at what point do you stop looking for the gorgeous Padparadscha sapphire and decide that a pink sapphire can be just as nice? The Padparadscha may never be found and you continue to hunt for it, but then again, there is a decent pink sapphire right down the road. Keep taking a chance or bet on the sure thing? Some would call that settling; others might say it is the smart thing to do. What do I say?
Hence, my current quandary. Do I go into a relationship with Montana Man because he's as good as I have found. Don't get me wrong - he has his faults, he is anything but perfect. But am I going to find better? Time is passing me by. Time is moving quickly. Do I work with what is before me or keep hunting? Only catch is - at the end of the hunt, I may still be empty handed as I am right now.
Of course, Montana Man is not returning my phone calls right now, so maybe the time has passed me by already. And this is all for naught.