is this the end?

I sit here tonight wondering if my time with Super Dad is over. I find that I am no longer concerned when he does not call. My heart doesn't go pitter-pat when phone does ring. I am simply lukewarm.

Maybe my attitude is due to the illness. Maybe because we haven't seen each other in three months. I don't know. I find myself wondering about my intense love of travel and his seeming indifference. I am over the moon regarding my upcoming South America and North Africa adventures; Super Dad hasn't said about either.

Of course, at the ranch, various ranchers discuss their marriages and I find myself thinking "I wouldn't respond to that in that manner" and often times find myself saying "that's why I am alone." Fast-forward to the very thought of Super Dad and I cohabiting and I can see danger flares. Our approach to our dogs is vastly different. My Lulu is my baby, my child that passionately protect and care for; Super Dad's dog is exactly that - a dog, who is on a rigid schedule in all aspects of his boring little canine life. Flower Children versus Military Lock-down. Two vastly different worlds that are fairly comfortable in their separate worlds.

I think between the Mayo stuff, the Edina Debacle (to be discussed later), truly looking at what life is like in Atlanta, and simply being exhausted has me honestly second guessing the Super Dad affair. Maybe everything will become clear when I am oxygen deprived in Andes.

pop! goes the champagne cork!

Since Friday, there has been emotional upheaval everywhere. I won't get into it all right now because I simply don't have the energy for unnecessary drama anymore.

But in goodness, today was Super Dad's first full day at the Mayo. While there were some moments for concern, at the end of it all, the Mayo was all positive goodness. I was relieved during our early evening phone call. Based on the story relayed to me, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It makes me so happy for him.

The prospect of a life with manageable pain. Answers as opposed to narcotics. Living life to its fullest again. That is what Super Dad needs, what he truly does deserve. I am grateful tonight. I am thankful tonight. Here is my little Austin bungalow tonight, I celebrated with champagne. Because hope is everything.

struggles

Tonight Super Dad and I spoke for awhile. My day had a few ups and downs; sadly, his day was all downs. I was the only phone call he would accept tonight. Yes, his day was that bad. A bad day when bad things just mount on top of each other in rapid succession. It is in those moments, when I learn about this upheaval in full motion that I find myself wondering about "us".

Why? Because I am not there physically present there for him. I am a voice on the phone, not a pair of eyes to look into. I am a voice on the phone, not someone who can hug him. I am a voice on the phone who cannot hold his hand while I reassure him that everything will be okay. I am a thirty minute phone call, not a regular presence.

the blink of an eye

Today is my anniversary. Fourteen years ago today I started with my company. I was 21 years old, fresh out of undergrad. It was only supposed to be small diversion between undergrad and grad school. However, upon completing grad school, I continued working there, finding new opportunities and began traveling the United States.

Fast forward to today, fourteen years later. I am now 35 and frankly I am amazed at how far I have come. The timid, shy girl has given way to a confident professional who isn't afraid to speak her mind and stand her ground. There have been a few key individuals who have been instrumental in helping me find and use my voice. Some individuals, from a purely superficial view, appeared to be the least likely candidates, but they saw my potential - sometimes under conditions when even I couldn't see it or feel it. And to those special people, my eternal gratitude is yours.

What does the future, my future hold? If it is anything like this past fourteen, then adventure is mine to have and life is mine to seize. What I have learned is to trust myself, remain true to my soul, continue to do my best to live fearlessly, embracing adventure.