06 February 2007

Blindsided by my emotions

So Montana Man has been back in my life more lately - in the weird friends and lovers capacity.

Well, it started because he was sick - in the hospital kind of sick and then there was a bunch of paperwork to put together for the lawyer. Of course because we'd been together through all the legal uprisings, I assisted because we had a year of information to put together.

Before I left for the funeral, I spent the night with him. We had "the talk" about conducting this friends with bennies setup and that was interesting. Some days the words he uses and the tense those words are in make it tough... and example is the phase "i want this forever" sneaks across his lips. That night we had a fun time with the little blue pills. Who knew?!

We have been working through the legal stuff. He told me I am his best friend. WTF?!?! We spent Saturday together - he had the girls. I was greeted at the door by the girls with great excitement. We bought them a dog. Of course the man selling the dog thought we were one happy family. Several people at Petsmart assumed the same. We hung out at home with the new puppy just like a family would - like we should have been.

Saturday was tough because the perfect fit feeling is still there. I am pretty sure he feels it too because he is hanging back a bit again. I thought I was over it but all these feelings came rushing back and blindsided me. I wasn't expecting it. The overwhelming sadness that the day was wonderful and full of all my dreams unfolding but yet it is not going to be my reality. That part of my life is over but it felt wonderful in a bitter sweet kind of way - just like the candy described in Because of Win-Dixie. The house full of kids, the new puppy, making dinner - all the minutia I never thought I could love... all the minutia I want more than anything...

Some days I wish I knew where this story line of my life is going. It would be easier. All questions would have their answer. My wondering mind could chill out.

Why can't I just say goodbye?

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