10 February 2007

Without the Title

We are dating without the title - that is honestly what it comes down to - but I am not getting attached like I did. I am not believing like I did. I am not hoping like I did. I am not dreaming like I did.

I spent a week night with him, the girls, and the new puppy. I have not been invited over for a weeknight in a long time. I spent last night with him. In the middle of the night as I slept in his embrace, he asked me to make love to him. Not the fuck me that has crossed his lips before.

His time on eHarmony has been less than stellar - as he told me it has proven to be a waste of money and the chicks are stuck up. From last night's bar tale, I don't think he is having much luck meeting anyone out in the real world either. Of course following me, she would have to be pretty stellar - and you just don't stumble across a Wanderlust Gyrl every day. I think he is figuring that out. or he is just really lonely... that is a good assumption to make.

Things are changing but I know deep within my heart it means nothing - that is the saddest part - knowing that hope in futile - so I have brushed hope out of the way.

The girls still love me very much - oh how wonderful it is to see them light up when I walk in the house. Those children will always be so special to me. I am okay with being their auntie as opposed to their step-monster. Auntie is good - it is an important role for me to play in their lives.

Up, up and away... on to brighter pastures.

I have lost a few more pounds. Clothes I have not worn in years are fitting again. I am very happy with that. I am happy with myself again. I knew the weight gain fucked with my head but I never realized the extent until now - I am so happy in my skin again - I feel whole - I feel more like myself - all the things I identify as being me are coming back - a few pounds here and there need to go but to be fitting in my 34B bras again is pure delight.

With each day, I am getting closer to me. Only thing is this time it is me with improvements.

Last night I called the man that Shell wanted to set me up with. It was a pleasant conversation - I need to get off the wagon and date a bit. Somehow though dating is not high on my priority list - not because MM and I are engaging in weirdness - I need friends more so than someone to buy me dinner is all.

I have a house to clean and work things to write up! Off I go to do the things that keep me employed - while it may not be the life I dreamed of - I am learning to love life again.

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