Graduation Day II

Yesterday, I went to my acupuncture appointment. Rolled my jeans up over my knees and assumed the position to receive my needle treatment. Relaxed into la-la land.

Afterwards, my Needle Gal told me that my pulses are strong and balanced; unlike when I first arrived at her office. She further informed me that I can make my next appointment when I need it - whether it is 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month, or hopefully never - just for tune ups.

I was so thrilled. Balance is what I sought, and I achieved it. I feel so wonderful because I took charge of my illness and found out how to beat it - for me. I found what works for me. I now know how to step in and stop the spiral.

Knowledge is so freeing. Knowing what is triggers me is key. Then being able to execute the next steps is just as key. Feeling whole again is sublime.

Graduation Day

Today was a day full of surprises. Today was a joyful day. While the door shut on me many months ago, today I found the window. I jumped out of that window and I stuck the landing.

This afternoon, I proceeded to the shrink's office with my little green notebook by my side - like always. The first wonderful surprise was that the stuck navigation CD magically ejected en route. Then for my appointment, we talked about my realizations, my epiphanies, my discoveries, my revelations, my new understandings, my new truths.

We delved further. We questioned and answered. Dialogue was wonderful - further solidifying my findings. Replacing the negative thoughts and learning to live by the new thinking was clear. Progress. Strides. Clear. Leaps. Bounds.

Shrink asked what was next. I told her I wanted to work on my severe commitment phobia. She stated that was merely a symptom of other deeper issues. Deeper issues I have explored, acknowledged, and am working toward making but a distant memory. Shrink believes my next relationship will not have the undertones of my past symptomatic deeper issues as a result. And you know what? I believe her. Breaking the pattern.

Shrink told me that I have reached the point where she can set me free. She'll still be available if I stumble. She knows I know the tools, she trusts that I will continue on the path of positive enlightenment. She has faith in me to continue living what we - she and I - worked so hard on. And I do too because I can't ever go back.

I was so happy that I cried. It was a lot of work. Going to a lot of places I didn't want to. It is amazing how scary your mind can be compared to a dark alley. But I made it. Sure, the work never stops, but the ugly stuff has been addressed.

I am proud of myself. And thrilled that I found the window and successfully jumped. Risks do pay off.

At Last!

Thanks to some tv commercial, Etta James' At Last! has taken up full time residence in my head for several days now. Playing over and over and over again.

"At last... my love has come along... my lonely days over... and life is like a song..."

Do we ever find that sweet spot Etta croons about? Or do we find the closest thing we can to that and call it a day?

"Ooh At last.. the skies above are blue... well my heart was wrapped up in clover... the night I looked at you..."

Days go by and I find myself contemplating this question. I understand perfection does not exist but at the same time is there someone, a few people that I could possibly find happiness with. I know that I have to find happiness on my own, but I am speaking of the Double Mint Twin happiness that two people share. The inside jokes, the small glances that mean something, things that only two people know. Does compromise kick off the entire notion of compromise in the relationship?

"I found a dream that I could speak to... a dream that I could call my own... I found a thrill to press my cheek to... a thrill that I have never known..."

Here I am at 32 and I have certainly kissed a lot of frogs. Where the fuck is my prince? When do I get my time in the sun? I still have growing up to do and certainly have growing old to do - and I want more than anything to do that with someone. I have learned how to live and live well on my own. I want to learn how to live and live well with someone.

"You smile... you smile... oh and then the spell was cast... and here we are in heaven for you are mine at last..."

I found two more gray hairs. Right in the front this time as if to mock me in the duo powers of reminding me that time is passing. I look at this life I've built - it is wonderful but it is also very lonely. I want to build a life with someone. I want a house filled with laughter again - I had that once and miss it ever so much.

"You are mine... you are mine... at last... at last... at last..."

I know I have work to do on myself. I know there are skeletons in my closet that must be sorted, acknowledged, and released. All that comes with time and I understand that. Patience, however, is not my forte. I want to be there now, but the journey is the bulk of the battle. And only then will I be able to say proudly with a loud voice, "At last!"

Falling off the wagon

Monday, Monday.

I fell off the wagon.

The no horizontal shenanigans with MM wagon.

This is new territory for me. I have never gone here before. Surprisingly, I do not feel bad about it. I do not feel like this is a way for us to get back together. I do not feel all warm and fuzzy and full of renewed hope. It happened and that's it. It was fun. I was so excited to fit into my cute little Victoria Secret goodies. I was thrilled to feel so sexy in my slimmer body.

Am I compromising my morals? It isn't like I am sleeping with numerous men. Just one man.

I think this is part of finding myself through the veil of "shoulds" I have had dictated to me for years.

My developing outlook - Every now and then, it is okay and perfectly acceptable to fall off the wagon.

The Shorts of Yesteryear

Yesterday my neighbors and any passers-by got an eye full of the crazy chick that has every leaf in the subdivision firmly planted on her front yard. That crazy chick would be me.

Picture it - cleaning the windows of the car on a day that is cool enough for a light jacket. Add to that jacket a gyrl with shorts and sandals on. Quite a sight for my conservative, family land neighborhood.

But the shorts I was wearing are the point of the story. I wore those shorts in high school. Those same shorts fit again! Yippee!

Two pounds away from my goal and five pounds away from my stretch goal! Life is good!

Carolinas Calling?

I spoke to Golf Champ today to verify when his television appearance would be. Golf Champ wants me to come out to the Carolinas at the end of December. Speaking to him brings back this flood of the unknown, feeling ever so cosmically linked. I left the Carolinas in late 4Q 2000 and we've always kept in touch. His marriage ended the exact day mine began. We've always, always been drawn to each other like powerful magnets - a strong, Herculean pull that cannot be denied.

I was hesitant to meet up for Thanksgiving. But what am I waiting for? Why am I hesitant? What's the worse that could happen? We remain friends - I would not complain or be disappointed. BUT I would know.

Things that make me hesitant:

1. This was the only man that I would have cheated on my ex-Leech with when I was married
2. This is the only man I kissed while I was married
3. I don't want to be faced with deciding whether or not we sleep together
4. I don't want to be left hanging while he goes and does his thing and I mine
5. He is my male sounding board

But, I have nothing to lose if I approach this as what it is - we are friends visiting. Nothing more, nothing less. This has nothing to do with MM and all to do with me.

Golf Champ and I worked together closely for a year. We were partners, a team, the dynamic duo of the bunch. The dynamic duo that was strongly attracted to each other but never acted upon those feelings.

Like I need anything else to ponder, but I will. I am thinking me in the Carolinas at the end of the month might be a good thing.

Big Sister

Life seems to be coming together, getting closer to a state of peace.

I am not traumatized by the fact I did not get Dream Job. Instead, I am happy about the time it affords me to get life cleared up. I cannot wait to share this with the shrink. I am beginning to truly understand what triggers my depression and the thoughts that push me down the mountain into the black abyss. I am having dreams again - which is so refreshing even though the dreams tend to be a little disturbing.

The gal across the street - my pet sitter buddy - she called on Friday night. Called me rather than calling her piece of shit boyfriend that she'd just broken up with - again. I was happy Pet Sitter Buddy (PSB) called me. We spoke for awhile - she needed someone who gets it - understands the disappointment and hurt of a broken heart. I have lots of experience in that department.

I am ten years older than PSB. At her age, I was in such a different place. Spoofy was my sorta boyfriend - together but never spoke about our status. When Spoofy and I broke up, I was sad for a few days, shed a few tears and poof! the Spoof was done in my heart and head. I was looking forward to grad school, working and making some real cash.

PSB was speaking about "where are all the men?" I had to giggle to myself because the choices are so much better in her age bracket - and all I wanted to say but didn't was "just wait until you hit 32, my dear!" But I am thankful for the life experience I have gained in those ten years since the days of 21. I have seen the world, kissed a lot of frogs, loved a few frogs too. I have worked and had countless adventures. Sure I still care too much - I don't plan on being jaded - and my heart still gets broken - but I keep on hoping, dreaming, and wanting.

PSB has called several times to talk about her breakup. I listen and offer my insight when appropriate. She looks up to me as a big sister - one of the very few who understand what it is like being there, walking in those same shoes. I hope that in that sacred big sister role, I can help PSB to see that life is so much more than getting married by 22 and having kids and it is okay not to follow the traditional role if she choses not to. There is a whole world out there just waiting to have a bite taken out of it. Even on the days when I hate being at my table for one, I wouldn't change a thing. I happy with my choices - those choices have shaped me and granted me the fortune to meet some wonderful (and not-so wonderful) people and experience the essence of life. I have followed my heart and have been true to myself - what more can a girl ask for!!