Germs

I am sick. Germs have invaded my body and made me their bitch. Breathing out of my nose... a distance memory. Sleeping without the aid of Nyquil... what is sleep if not a Nyquil induced coma. I should not complain as I have not been sick for at least a year. But man, these little germies are kicking my bum!

Off to happily swallow more Nyquil, so that I can let the germs have their party in my body whilst I sleep it off.

Joys of Being a Girl!

This week has whizzed by.

All week I felt extremely exhausted and terribly bloated - Hi PMS, thanks for stopping by and staying awhile! Kisses! Even though I am remain bloated, at least I am awake and bloated today. I despise this rollie-pollie bloated feeling. All this in the face of the fact that I am downing two tablespoons of organic unfiltered apple cider to reduce said bloated yuckiness! Oh the humanity! Enough on my PMS bloating woes!

Arriving at my desk on Wednesday morning, imagine my giddy, unbridled happiness to see an email from none other than The Southern Gentleman. As if to be an unsolicited email from him following up on my Saturday bead show adventure. Positive forward movement... baby steps...

Starting my crusade against the last 5-to-7 pounds desperately clinging to my arse. All about fresh veggies and no corn syrup secretly hiding in the processed items I consume. Label reading, what a joy. Of course, PMS reared itself in my longing looks at the Oreo choices. But I held strong to the cart's rail and kept on rolling down the aisle. Only to sabotaged and rendered completely helpless against the hiding sidecap of Oreos - strawberry milkshake Oreos. The strange part of all this, I do not care for Oreos. That however did not stop the Oreos from tasting absolutely delicious... *shakes fist in air, cursing PMS once again*

Looking forward to a relaxing weekend. The pups and I will take our big walk. I must get more diligent at walking every other night with them now that I discovered a not-so-ghetto section of the neighborhood sans wild rabid dogs running amok. Also have to make time for meditation, which should be aided by the exercise and not being exhausted.

Goodness, this was rather boring. Holding thumbs for a few fun stories to result from the weekend!

ring-a-ding-ding!

The Mile High hit-and-run went swimmingly well. Did not get anything accomplished besides the major milestones; but sleeping in my king sized bed was fabulous.

Saturday was a non-stop day in SxSWland. Social calendar fully booked - started at 8 AM and finally dwindled to a close in the 10 PM realm. While a magical fab day filled with friends, the icing was found in the surprise phone call from The Southern Gentleman.

All morning long, I had been thinking about him as I was going to the gem and bead show. About an hour into the show - late morning - my mobile rang. Needless to say I was taken aback to read his name on the caller id (usually he calls in the evening).

The Southern Gentleman's voice drips my name and I tell him that I have been thinking about him all morning. His response - "Were they hot and steamy thoughts?" to which I replied "but of course!"

He proceeded to share with me that he was very hungover, much like after our Friday night out a few weeks ago. I asked what type of fun he got into and he shared the adventures of an evening with the boys. He had family commitments over the weekend that precluded him from having a couch movie day to recover from his hangover.

I was so happy that he called. He called because he was thinking about our time together when we were both nursing hangovers. He called because he was thinking about me. What more could a girl ask for?!

My girlfriends don't know what to make of The Southern Gentleman's mixed messages. But they also don't know the depth of our conversations. They don't know our entire history; only the snippets I've shared.

I have the faith in us. And that is all that matters.

Reflections

I looked into her face, her eyes and for the first time in a very long time, I smiled back at her because I like what I see. Actually, I love what I see. She has the twinkle back in her blue, blue eyes. Her face lights up when she smiles. The light radiates from her. And the smile. It is not forced any more. There is no act. That smile is there because she cannot help but give into it.

She is happy again. Truly happy from the depth of her spirit - and that feeling that permeates her being is manifested with ease on her exterior because she cannot help it. She has stopped sabotaging herself, she sees, appreciates and accepts her subtle beauty. She is making strides in accepting her body - both the good and the bad. This is huge as before all she ever saw were bad parts that needed to be changed. Acceptance.

The self-confidence and self-esteem that was once an act is now pure and real. The dreams of true friends and fabulous social life are the tangible reality of her daily life. She readily let people into her life, where once that was a taboo, vulnerability was not allowed. No longer afraid to walk that balance beam because someone will catch her if she falls - and someone will help her get back on.

This knowledge has proven to be liberating for her. It has freed her, so that she is a conduit of love - most importantly loving herself for the first time in her life - unconditional love. And she sees that shift has changed her entire existence. And change is very good.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I was at the basin uncapping the contact solution bottles. As I was preparing to extricate the little plastic discs from my eyeballs, I caught this glimpse of myself in the mirror, which caused me to stop.

Post Delights

After a full Saturday morning and early afternoon, I went home to release the pups from their crates and get my house cleaned for our girls nite in.

While the pups were outside frolicking, I went down to the post box. To my surprise there was one piece of mail - a card - from none other than The Southern Gentleman.

My heart lept with delight. I was not expecting it. Our cards must have crossed in the mail. He was sweet thanking me for another wonderful time in SxSWland. He mentioned that he appreciates my support on his new business venture complete with two exclamation marks. The Southern Gentleman went on to state that we had "too much fun" (underlined twice) on our Friday night out - the night I figuratively and literally threw myself all over him.

A man who sends me handwritten cards... aaahhh...

Makes me miss him all the more...

Wonder what went through his mind as I signed my card to him "love ~ P"

Monday Morning Wheel

monday mornings... they have been feeling tiresome of late. i walk into the office feeling like a hamster running on its wheel. it takes me a bit to get going.

i need to find my work mojo again.

i need to focus.

Random Friday Babbling

Today it is quiet at the office. I soak in these rare quiet moments when the stress has literally left the building. I was able to pop over to Starbucks for a much needed caffeine boost.

Life is ducky. Work isn't nearly stressing me out as it once did. My social life is full of happy goodness. One thing I will miss when I leave SxSWland for the Deep South is my fabulous girlfriends. All my life I have craved girlfriends and that long sought dream has become my reality out here. I know that if I could find that here, I will be able to cultivate that again in the Deep South.

I have been doing a better job at meditating, especially for my upcoming day retreat next month. I have been sitting down every other night and it is getting easier to disconnect my brain from the constant chatter of my thoughts.

Sent The Southern Gentleman an email earlier this week to which he promptly responded - as if to be waiting to here from me, maybe? He was in good spirits and spoke of what local purchase I'd make next time he is out here since I now have the cowboy boots. For some reason, my boot purchase was very important to him.

As for Montana Man news this week, I formally closed an open window of our relationship. It felt good to turn yet another page, to get one step closer to that final page. I am so close to closing the book. For. Good.

And as I make a stride forward on my goal, of course, Montana Man contacted me via IM yesterday. He wanted to know when I'd be home next as he is seeking a booty call. It has been some time since he and I engaged in the horizontal polka and quite frankly I have zero desire to have sex with him anymore (even in light of it being really good sex!). What I do desire is getting my house key back from him along with his monthly loan payment. But truly my house key is at the forefront.

You know, I typed those sentences above and feel good to my depths in knowing that I am truly ready to break free from Montana Man once and for all. Yippee Pats!! I am done.

Now for The Southern Gentleman to do his soul searching pronto! Because this chickadee is ready for a new adventure in the Deep South!

TSG Holiday: The Departure

I laid in bed soaking up the last morning of waking up next to The Southern Gentleman on this particular holiday. The dogs woke him up like usual and he enjoyed it by the kindness towards her that sang through his voice.

We each got ready and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes the entire time. We were in the kitchen having a light breakfast. His mood was somber as well. The entire time he was here, I hadn’t initiated a conversation about the bigger us. Neither had he. Somehow I felt compelled to leave him with a snippet of information to shed a bit of light on our future together. The answer I arrived at was to ask about his visit to the astrologer years earlier. “So when you went to the seer, what did he tell you about children?” I plunged in, cutting to the chase. He danced with, “Yes, if you go, he can tell you about children. He can tell you about all areas of your life.”

I was not giving up so easily, “That’s not what I meant. Specifically, what did he tell you about your children?”

“He made my cousin leave the room when it came time to discuss the future. He made me promise not to share the information regarding my future with anyone. I cannot tell you. He told me some dates. One passed last spring, it was an ordinary day and I think about that, wondering if I missed something.”

My mind was trying to figure out how to get what I viewed as a vital yet subtle hint for him. So I did what I told Kimba I would not do – shared a bit of my experience with the palm reader from earlier this year. I told him I went to her in February. He asked how I knew she was legit and I shared with him that she had a proven track record with me. Eagerly, The Southern Gentleman asked me what she told me. I told him that she told me I would not be working with my current company for long time and that made me happy. Then he asked, “Did she tell you anything about your personal life?” I told him she did. In fact, almost too much information. I told him that she told me I would have three children – a girl and two boys. He did not say anything. That was the tidbit of information I wanted him to validate – had his reading revealed the same information. Could he connect the dots from that?

I told him repeatedly I did not want him to leave. Not only would I miss him, the pups would miss him too. All the while I was still trying to keep the tears contained. He told each puppy dog good bye, which melted my heart. The ride to the airport was quiet. He promised to come back before my lease is up. The Southern Gentleman also told me he would start planning our foreign holiday once he had his business stuff settled in a few months.

At the airport, The Southern Gentleman placed his bags on the sidewalk, and then he grabbed me, embracing me in the tightest hug… without a word, with that hug, he told me that he didn’t want to leave ever. As he held me tight against him, he kissed me on the cheek and his lips stayed on my cheek for a long time. Cue water works. We broke apart and as I looked at him, I asked him to hug me once more, which he did. And then he was gone through the glass doors.

He called me that night when he got home. I felt reassured by the lovey-airy quality of his voice, the fact he kept talking about nothing because he did not want to hang up the phone. I was sure to share that my big girl had been looking for him and she would whine as she tried to find him. I told him that I missed him already.

And the story continues…

TSG Holiday: Saturday

I awoke Saturday mid-morning to the hounds running amuck, The Southern Gentleman zonked on the couch and a decent hangover. I got some water and took The Southern Gentleman back to bed with me. He was completely dressed and I do remember undoing his buttons because I felt bad that he was fully dressed in hot clothing. Nothing of a sexual nature occurred. We actually resurrected ourselves at 1 PM. The Southern Gentleman appeared to be in worse shape than me. Much Advil was consumed.

Upon getting our land legs back while still maintaining a twinge of hungover-ness, we headed out for his favorite barbecue. We had a good lunch without beer and stopped by the Hindu temple on the road home. On the ride back to town, he told me that at one point last night, I was very provocative with him. We picked up a few movies because he was quite intent on a couch day. We like the same movie genres – woo hoo for a man who willingly wants to watch independent films!!

Back at my house, we watered up, settled in on the comfy couch and watched Superbad. We laughed and the simple ease of both of us lying on the sectional was palpable. We took a break between films and The Southern Gentleman gently laughed as he asked me how I wanted my cocktail mixed. He proceeded to return with more water and M&Ms and then lit candles and turned off the lights. As if to set a romantic mood. The circles of mixed messages this man sends to me. Watched the end of No Country for Old Men a few times. I love that we can have discussion about movie endings and the greater meanings. Most importantly, I love that I do not feel any need to mask my true self with The Southern Gentleman. We watched a bit of Saturday Night Live, then The Southern Gentleman asked if I was ready to go to bed because he was.

We climbed into bed. Our last evening together. I was growing sad and at the same time disappointed that we had not had any sort of clear, unequivocal ‘talk’ about us. Lying in bed, I just kept talking to him and asking him questions so our time would not end. I was dreading the morning. I asked particulars about the house he is building. He told me about the various rooms and features he wanted; that his neighbors seem less than nice, that they know he is single and without a girlfriend. He mentioned that sometimes he wonders what his life would be like right now if he had not divorced when they did – if he’d still be doing the same kind of work as me, would they still be married, would he have children. I told him that if things hadn’t happened as they did, then he would not be here beside me at this very moment.

Next we spoke about my house – I told him I will be very happy when it is sold. He stated, “But I thought you loved that house?” I told him that part of my life is over and I am ready to be free of it. He asked where I will go. I shared with him that I have no desire to and will not return to Mile High and that I will not be staying permanently in SxSWland either. “Where will you go?” he asked again. I replied, “I don’t know but I will land wherever I am supposed to be.”

Eventually, I fell asleep first.

TSG Holiday: Friday

Pretty much the same routine, hound dogs awake me and The Southern Gentlemen, lounging until late morning, and then heading out for lunch. We went to a little place that was his East Coast favorite. Imagine that – Manhattan eats in The Lone Star State. It was over this meal that the $64,000 questions finally came flowing forth from his mouth. We were both bone sober. The questioning went much like the last time:
Are you dating anyone out here?
Any old flames still lit back home?
Do you want to get married again?
Do you want children? And I mean children that don’t have four legs.

And I answered flawlessly without fear or trepidation. woo hoo!

Then he started on his commentary about the fact that he doesn’t feel like he could ask a woman to leave her metropolitan city life to join him in the south. Furthermore, with his current travel schedule, The Southern Gentleman does not feel he could ask a woman to wait for him while he is gone on his long trips. I shared my insight on the travel portion – the only type of person who understands his work situation is someone who does (or has) traveled extensively for work as well. I used him and me as an example from our old assignment where we met. I would have to ponder how best to approach the ‘woman leave her world for the south’ question.

We went to the boot shop because I have wanted a pair. We shopped together and found the perfect pair. Then we picked out the perfect pearl button shirt for The Southern Gentleman. Shopping with him was so nice, so effortless. I purchased the shirt for him and told him to think of me when he wore it.

I asked him lots of deeper get-to-know more about him questions throughout the afternoon. Items like how his parents met, his extended family (particularly his family abroad), about his parents – things that go into who he is and much deeper than I have ever gone.

From there we went to pick up the food for the small evening get together. While we are not lock step, our gait is pretty damn good. I put the finishing touches on the house and got dressed as he readied his wares and got dressed himself. We looked so good – Barbie and Ken dolls good. He poured us a drink while waiting for my friends to come. All my friends arrived and it was fabulous to have a home filled with loving people and The Southern Gentleman by my side – it was nothing short of a longtime dream finally realized. Everyone who is important to me in SxSWland was there because they care about me. I felt so blessed. And that feeling of blessed meant I was consuming wine at a decent clip while ensuring everyone else’s glass was full too. My girls were super good about sharing their preference concerning The Southern Gentleman’s wares offerings.

The girls started to knit a bit and we gabbed while The Southern Gentleman amused himself with my iTunes. I had to laugh because my computer had password locked itself due to inactivity; he asked me to input the password and while doing so I had to stop myself from saying that he should know it because it is his name! He told us that our little ‘sewing group’ reminded him of his mother’s group. I couldn’t think of a higher compliment. The girls packed up so we could go out downtown. One of my friends, Redbud offered to drive us up, have a drink with us and then we’d cab it home.

Needless to say we hit three bars. Much alcohol consumed. One thing I do distinctly remember The Southern Gentleman saying was “my three kids.” I remember dancing with Redbud on the rooftop patio (thanks to photographic evidence, I also danced with The Southern Gentleman). At the final club, I remember a brief snippet of me straddling The Southern Gentleman as he sat on the loveseat. What I don’t remember is getting kicked out of a diner because I was asleep at the table and any of poor Redbud having to take us home and subsequently getting to bed.

TSG Holiday: Thursday

Thursday I got up earlier to deal with the dogs, then crawled back into bed beside The Southern Gentleman. The dogs of course had to check out the man in their mummy's bed. He was very kind to their cold, wet nose wake up calls.

We lounged and then got ready. Of course I had to walk around the house a wee bit wrapped only in my bath towel. I tried on some of his wares. He asked for my ring sizes which I happily spilt forth; he was a bit surprised I knew the size for each my bony fingers.

It was time for lunch, so we headed to my favorite little taco stop and ate outside. From there we headed downtown to do a bit of window shopping for The Southern Gentleman’s business. We went in and out of boutique shops, everywhere shop keepers assumed we were a pair. He bought me a small little piece of art in one shop. A little piece I keep on the ledge above the kitchen sink so I can see it every day and think of The Southern Gentleman.

From there, we went to the river and walked by the river a bit. He wanted to go to the river. This made me think about past references to the river. We watched the few dogs swimming and enjoyed the cool breeze off the water. It was a rather quiet contemplative time.

We headed home to get cleaned up for the magazine happy hour. We had less the good tequila cocktails, some appetizers, and perused the furniture store, which happened to be full of Asian pieces that both of us gravitated to like moths to a flame. In simply shopping for furniture, the similar influences of our lives were brought to the forefront.

The entire day was full of conversation. Very easy flowing. He simply fits right in to my world.

From there we were going to head to the Broke Spoke; however, we stopped for late dinner at a small place, thus never making it to the bar to dance. We headed home for another evening of me being entangled in his arms.

this time last week...

Pour yourself a nice little cocktail, pull up a chair and I will share my lovely mini-break with The Southern Gentleman.

Go head, pour a little more booze in your glass. You need a proper drink. A bit of a kick never hurt anyone, other than maybe me on Friday night.

So the arrival on Wednesday afternoon. I looked adorable and feminine and soft and all those sorts of good things. He called in the morning when he was driving to the airport. Anticipation was palpable from both of us. During his call, The Southern Gentleman tells me, "I look a little different than last time. Something changed." I figured facial hair since that seems to be what changes when he is abroad. He tells me to guess to which I coyly tell him that I'd rather keep it a surprise for when I see him with my baby blues.

Of course, shit hit the fan at work the previous day and I was working like a dog to make sure everything was done so I could get out a bit early from my chains to fetch him. Only had a few straggling things to finish that evening and we'd be set.

I left later than planned but it gave him time to get his checked bag. I slowly drive along the pickup area looking for him and poof! the vision sitting out front - tanned skin, tall, muscular frame - oh this man is pure yumminess to the eye. He spies me as well and immediately he there before me and he envelopes me in a huge hug. The change was that he had a few blond (more orange) highlights on the front of his hair... no great shakes.

Immediately we are in the car heading to my house and we pick up as if it were only weeks since we'd seen each other - and not the 6 months that is reality. It was grand. I give him the tour of the house and he met the hounds. The hounds simply adore The Southern Gentleman. Especially the big hound. She was virtually trying to jump in his lap and give him kisses (which is very much out of character for her). If I did not know better, I would swear she understood when I told her for weeks that her new and forever daddy was coming to see her. The Southern Gentleman enjoyed them - that was genuine.

We talked a bit and then I went to finish my work in my 'home office', while he read on the couch and subsequently fell asleep on the couch. On Sunday, The Southern Gentleman got home from a long weekend in Sin City and he was exhausted. I woke him up and we decided to make dinner at home. We ran to the store, grabbed some steaks, lettuce, and stone crab claws. It was so fabulous! We were in the kitchen together and it was perfecto... felt more than natural.

He fed me stone crab claws. Our dear Southern Gentleman insisted he crack them all. I could get used to be cherished like that. More balance than I've ever known. After dinner we just stood in and talked and talked - catching up on the past 6 months in depth.

This house only has one bed. My plan was he'd sleep in the bed and I'd take the comfy couch. The Southern Gentleman was insistent that we share the little bed. He was the first under the covers and I followed after getting the hounds settled. I crawled in and he immediately cuddled with me.

It felt so good to have him right there next to me, enveloping me. My heart sang and simultaneously jumped out of my chest with pure excitement. No, no horizontal shenanigans occurred. But more on my theory of that later. I fell asleep surrounded by bliss and peace knowing that that very feeling at that very moment is a feeling that I will soon know daily. I am sure I slept with a smile on my face that night....