Sunday morning was the appointed time for us to make the pilgrimage to view Django Unchained. The Southern Gentleman was very excited to see this film. (I purposely wore a dress as this is important later). He paid for the tickets, I picked up the popcorn and soda. Unlike previous times when we have seen movies together, I noticed he sat very close to me. The film wasn't painful as I had anticipated and I actually found myself immersed in the story line.
Since the film was so long, a mid-movie pee break was required. As I sat in the stall, I reminded myself that I needed to find the right time today to speak with The Southern Gentleman about our weird relationship. Post film, we ran a quick errand to pick up some wine that was on deep discount and from there were headed home.
The Southern Gentleman sat on the couch and I went to the kitchen to pour him a cocktail and a wine for me. We talked about the film. I poured him a second cocktail and then he poured himself a third. Upon returning from making his drink, The Southern Gentleman takes a sip and says, "we have to talk about you and me." I was speechless as I honestly never thought I would hear those words out of his mouth, not after all this time. He went on to say that he thinks about what would happen if he and I dated and he is afraid that he would lose me if we broke up and he doesn't want to lose me from his life so we should probably stay friends. To this, I informed him that we have never been friends of a platonic sort. There has always been this undeniable spark and chemistry that "friends" don't have. He asked about any other male friends who come visit me and I told him that he is the only man that visits me besides the gays and of that group he is the only one who sleeps in bed with me because the gays always use the guest rooms. Funny enough, he reminded me that I came into his guest room the second night of his first trip. He has kept close track of all details. I took ownership that I am slow to pick up on stuff like this but that I recently figured out that back in the day (almost 13 years ago now) he liked because we used to go to exercise class together regularly... and what man goes to exercise class?! I told him that he shouldn't be afraid of losing me because by being afraid, we could be missing out on the best thing ever. I also relayed a story about a cousin that would drive the point home. He took the information in.
The Southern Gentleman also made some assertions about expectations on visits and phone calls, to which I made it clear that I was not to be lumped in with his last few girlfriends especially in light of the fact that the past 8 years I have made zero demands of him and his time. He talked about the various times we almost collided in the past and the constant theme was fear of losing me. I continued to reassure him after all we've been though in almost 13 years, if he was going to lose me, it would have been a long time ago. I told him it is up to us to determine what works for us an no one else. Also in response, I called him out on the fact that he is the one who goes into deep hiding after our little holidays together. He then told me "this is what you do to me" as he placed my hand on his crotch. He continued to say he had been remiss in telling me how nice I have looked every day, including today in the dress and boots. He went on to say that he doesn't want to have sex for the sake of having sex. He spoke of wanting to enjoy Valentine's Day again. The conversation continued down less meaty topics like my recent non-existent sexual past (call me the born again virgin!). I spoke of the first day we met and he walked down memory lane with me. I pulled out last year's New Year's Eve dress stating "look what you're missing out on because you are leaving tomorrow at dawn." He stated "we should have had this talk a few years ago" but I assured him I wasn't ready for it until now.
We made salads for dinner. Just as we finished my neighbors showed up on my doorstep and so they checked out the kitchen and we drank wine and talked. We ended up going to their house for dinner... and honestly after that point I have swiss cheese memories. I do remember sitting very close to The Southern Gentleman on the couch. I don't remember going home but I do remember being at my front door and opening it.
Monday morning at the crack of dawn I awoke face down in bed with only my undies on. He was completely naked. We didn't have sex but he enveloped me and held me for the brief remaining time before the alarm clock was to sound. He had an early morning flight. We were both fairly quiet on the drive. Half way to the airport I reached for his hand and he held my hand for the rest of the ride. At the departure sidewalk, The Southern Gentleman got his bag, thanked me, hugged me and then bent down kissing me on the lips. And then he disappeared thought the glass doors. And my heart felt empty already missing him.
The Southern Gentleman called that night to let me know he was home; there was still some lovey-ness in his voice. On New Year's Day he sent a text message and another the following day.
Now to sit back and give him the time and space to think about our conversation and our time together.