- Lulu waking me up at 3:30 AM to go to the bathroom
- going on our runs
- putting herself to bed but coming out to check on me, asking me but more often than not demanding I come to bed too
- tossing her stuffed animals down the cement floor so she could run and slide to fetch them; she loved sliding across the floor
- bringing home restaurant treats such as french fries, tortilla chips, and rice that I would order specifically for Lulu
- tucking her into bed each night
- reassuring her I will be home by 5 PM
- our daily hug-a-hound moments
- watching her frolic in the yard
- seeing the wonder in her eyes
- feeling her deep love for me oozing out of her every pore
12 December 2011
week four
Today marks four weeks since Lulu left. I am amazed at how quickly time is marching forward and how much I want time to reverse... back to the days of...
popping up on the radar
I swear the man has radar!
Without fail, each and every time I am happy or there is new male prospect, he miraculously resurrects and promptly dials my number. Then he proceeds to talk at great length even though he regularly says he dislikes speaking on the phone.
It is none other than The Southern Gentleman who applied his mad Patsy sonar skills yesterday. Before I would have been over the moon, but not so much anymore. His up-down routine has gotten so very, very old. I am simply amused by his sophisticated tracking system.
He spoke about Lulu a fair amount. Once he found out I was staying in the lone star state for the holidays, The Southern Gentleman started talking about him coming here post-Christmas since the mourning mother needs "cheering up". As our conversation progressed and his wheels began to turn, The Southern Gentleman suggested we meet up somewhere for 4 -5 days. I agreed to entertain the idea. He said he'd figure some things out and call me the following week.
Honestly a getaway would be good for me. I think not being alone for that time away would also be good. At the end of the day, The Southern Gentleman and I are friends.
Without fail, each and every time I am happy or there is new male prospect, he miraculously resurrects and promptly dials my number. Then he proceeds to talk at great length even though he regularly says he dislikes speaking on the phone.
It is none other than The Southern Gentleman who applied his mad Patsy sonar skills yesterday. Before I would have been over the moon, but not so much anymore. His up-down routine has gotten so very, very old. I am simply amused by his sophisticated tracking system.
He spoke about Lulu a fair amount. Once he found out I was staying in the lone star state for the holidays, The Southern Gentleman started talking about him coming here post-Christmas since the mourning mother needs "cheering up". As our conversation progressed and his wheels began to turn, The Southern Gentleman suggested we meet up somewhere for 4 -5 days. I agreed to entertain the idea. He said he'd figure some things out and call me the following week.
Honestly a getaway would be good for me. I think not being alone for that time away would also be good. At the end of the day, The Southern Gentleman and I are friends.
09 December 2011
the best laid plans
The last few days have been eventful around here. For one thing, I did not cry about Lulu yesterday. While that was a huge milestone for me, my Lulu was sidestepped by the events of Wednesday that bled into yesterday.
I had a holiday party to attend and was dreading it. When I spoke to Super Dad about it, he told me to ask one of my male friends to go with me (remember this key point). I thought about it and agreed. This would be a great way to stop the unwanted advances of a small handful of dirty old men. I asked The Courier if he'd join me and he agreed.
As the party neared, I was excited. Excited I wouldn't have to face the party alone. Excited that a man wanted to go with me. I haven't been excited like this in a long time. A long time.
The day finally arrives and The Courier and I went to the party. As we walked through the door, he was hanging back. I reached back to grab The Courier's hand to bring him up next to me. Dirty Old Man #1 immediately eyes this and does not speak to me. Touchdown!
We worked our way through the room. Enjoyed our cocktails, enjoyed each other. I had such a wonderful time. I truly enjoyed being with The Courier. It was wonderful to be with a man. Especially one who is into me. We were a bit tipsy and headed back to his place. From there, my long drought came to an end and it was great.
My great night changed course at 11 AM yesterday when I received the following text message from Super Dad, "Do me a big favor Patsy, don't call me or bother with me again!!!" From there, Super Dad proceed to hang up on me when I tried call him. Seriously, WTF?! I know without a doubt, Dirty Old Man #1 called Super Dad to report that I had a man with me. Why? Because Dirty Old Man #1 was upset and he had to vent because he had been really trying to woo me (unsuccessfully) since July.
When I honestly look back at the landscape of Super Dad and I, our relationship, and I use that term loosely, was done in May 2010. We haven't seen each other in eons. Phone calls alone do not cut it and even those have significantly waned too. Lord knows I have ranted enough about it here. Super Dad and I are simply friends, really good friends.
Clearly, we are not on the same page. After all, bringing a male friend to keep the unwanted male attention corralled was Super Dad's idea. Not being an active part of my life was also Super Dad's conscious decision. I don't think punishing me and acting like a twelve year old boy is the answer.
Oh well. That chapter is closed.
05 December 2011
a tale of a tail
"Just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're broken."
My lesson for this evening: one should not watch A Dolphin's Tale while mourning a three-legged greyhound girl.
Naively thinking a "feel-good" Disney movie would be the cure to my three week post-Lulu departure blues, I was blatantly slapped in the face with our situation. As I watched the movie unfold, my internal tape kept playing "this is Lulu and me".
The little girl in the movie was crying like a baby just as I was when news of the amputation struck. Similarly I quickly learned the only limitations three-legged Lulu the Amazing would ever know are the limits placed on her by my ego, so I forcibly shoved my ego aside and replaced limitations with unending possibilities. Just as Winter the Dolphin learned to swim with a prosthetic tail, we here in Wanderlust land learned that a greyhound can get on with three legs just like a four-legger can.
As I sobbed through the movie, I also had several realizations. Firstly, if a fish (my biology degree has me grounded in the fact that a dolphin is a mammal... all that live baby and oxygen drivel) can land a major motion picture, surely a doe-eyed pathetic greyhound is ready for the Hollywood spotlight, especially since her mother has been playing paparazzi since the beginning. But secondly, I realized I had my very own personal Winter the Dolphin story and very, very few people get to experience and learn from such amazing creatures as my Lulu or a "fish". I got a rare glimpse into bravery, strength, and true love; unconditional abound.
So while I miss my dear Lulu terribly, I have the awareness that she was a miracle, a radiating miracle. I was blessed enough to be her mama and to give her the love and devotion to help let Lulu's miracle shine. And shine brightly, indeed, my sweet girl did.
I learned so very much from my girl. From the moment Lulu first licked my hand at the racer rescue to our last moments, our hearts were intertwined, our devotion palpable, our love never-ending. Lulu was a rare gift and now it all makes sense as to why three weeks later my heart continues to mourn for such a sweet, kind girl.
My lesson for this evening: one should not watch A Dolphin's Tale while mourning a three-legged greyhound girl.
Naively thinking a "feel-good" Disney movie would be the cure to my three week post-Lulu departure blues, I was blatantly slapped in the face with our situation. As I watched the movie unfold, my internal tape kept playing "this is Lulu and me".
The little girl in the movie was crying like a baby just as I was when news of the amputation struck. Similarly I quickly learned the only limitations three-legged Lulu the Amazing would ever know are the limits placed on her by my ego, so I forcibly shoved my ego aside and replaced limitations with unending possibilities. Just as Winter the Dolphin learned to swim with a prosthetic tail, we here in Wanderlust land learned that a greyhound can get on with three legs just like a four-legger can.
As I sobbed through the movie, I also had several realizations. Firstly, if a fish (my biology degree has me grounded in the fact that a dolphin is a mammal... all that live baby and oxygen drivel) can land a major motion picture, surely a doe-eyed pathetic greyhound is ready for the Hollywood spotlight, especially since her mother has been playing paparazzi since the beginning. But secondly, I realized I had my very own personal Winter the Dolphin story and very, very few people get to experience and learn from such amazing creatures as my Lulu or a "fish". I got a rare glimpse into bravery, strength, and true love; unconditional abound.
So while I miss my dear Lulu terribly, I have the awareness that she was a miracle, a radiating miracle. I was blessed enough to be her mama and to give her the love and devotion to help let Lulu's miracle shine. And shine brightly, indeed, my sweet girl did.
I learned so very much from my girl. From the moment Lulu first licked my hand at the racer rescue to our last moments, our hearts were intertwined, our devotion palpable, our love never-ending. Lulu was a rare gift and now it all makes sense as to why three weeks later my heart continues to mourn for such a sweet, kind girl.
04 December 2011
princess birthday party
Mid-October when Lulu was doing better I decided that I would commit to a birthday party for her. We would celebrate her courage and bravery as she marked her tenth year. It was a big, important birthday, so I send out evites for today.
Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be looking for Lu before opening the front door. I only cried once when one of the girls gave me a birthday she'd made for Lulu prior.
As we talked about her, I realized that unconsciously I bought several of Lulu's favorite foods, such as shrimp, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, various cheeses and crackers. My girl had a refined palate. She also enjoyed roasted asparagus, green peppers, green chile. Lu was a vegetable eater as well as a carnivore. Boy, that little girl loved tomatoes a slight bit more than steak.
Lu's actual birthday is in eleven days. Tomorrow is three weeks since she went to heaven. So close but yet so far.
Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be looking for Lu before opening the front door. I only cried once when one of the girls gave me a birthday she'd made for Lulu prior.
As we talked about her, I realized that unconsciously I bought several of Lulu's favorite foods, such as shrimp, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, various cheeses and crackers. My girl had a refined palate. She also enjoyed roasted asparagus, green peppers, green chile. Lu was a vegetable eater as well as a carnivore. Boy, that little girl loved tomatoes a slight bit more than steak.
Lu's actual birthday is in eleven days. Tomorrow is three weeks since she went to heaven. So close but yet so far.
28 November 2011
week two
I mourn for my little girl. I mourn for my Lulu each and every day.
Today, Monday marks two weeks at shortly before 6 PM that my little girl left me.
It is not getting easier.
Sundays and Mondays are the worst because I can put time stamps on the day. Markers of our last moments together, decisions made, savoring the precious fleeting time.
Lulu's dog beds have quickly lost her scent. My heart aches to breath her in again, a small comfort of memory. I cannot shake the ingrained alert I have for Lulu's every movement. She had me so very well trained. The tidal waves of devastation continue to beat against me.
I miss my baby girl. I am lost.
22 November 2011
hoot
Somehow I have survived a week without my little girl.
Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness.
Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should.
Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in his hoot, hoot, hoot. I have lived here almost three years and I have never heard an owl. Why is he here now? What is his message? His persistent hooting means I need to listen. I wonder if tonight's dreams will reveal anything?
Yesterday was quite difficult as the clock marked the milestones of the previous Monday. Lulu's last Monday. Lulu's last day. While at home before and after work, I could smell Lulu around me. I was so surprised to notice the thickness of Lulu in air around me. I've never experienced anything quite like it.
So, Mr. Owl, what are you telling me tonight?
Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness.
Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should.
Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in his hoot, hoot, hoot. I have lived here almost three years and I have never heard an owl. Why is he here now? What is his message? His persistent hooting means I need to listen. I wonder if tonight's dreams will reveal anything?
Yesterday was quite difficult as the clock marked the milestones of the previous Monday. Lulu's last Monday. Lulu's last day. While at home before and after work, I could smell Lulu around me. I was so surprised to notice the thickness of Lulu in air around me. I've never experienced anything quite like it.
So, Mr. Owl, what are you telling me tonight?
17 November 2011
three days
Mourning and grief are strange bedfellows.
I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works.
Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's blanket, drinking her in.
Yes, I am that woman. And I don't care. I never thought it would be this difficult. The emptiness is more than I can bear. Over the past three months, I realized Lulu is my entire world. She was 18 months old when she ran into my life. Taking care of my Lulu every day for 8 1/2 years is something I cannot turn off.
Each day will continue to bear remembrances of my sweet Lulu Bean. Some memories will bring a smile to my face, while others will be sad reminders of the vast void in my existence. For once, I don't mind being in limbo.
I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works.
Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's blanket, drinking her in.
Yes, I am that woman. And I don't care. I never thought it would be this difficult. The emptiness is more than I can bear. Over the past three months, I realized Lulu is my entire world. She was 18 months old when she ran into my life. Taking care of my Lulu every day for 8 1/2 years is something I cannot turn off.
Each day will continue to bear remembrances of my sweet Lulu Bean. Some memories will bring a smile to my face, while others will be sad reminders of the vast void in my existence. For once, I don't mind being in limbo.
15 November 2011
my amazing grace, otherwise known as lulu
On Tuesday August 23, my little Lulu broke her leg shortly after 7 PM.
Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house.
No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the bathroom.
As of shortly before 6 PM last night, Monday November 14, I said good bye to my dear sweet Lulu.
I cannot believe that 24 hours have passed since I last kissed her, told her I loved her, felt her fur underneath my palms, looked in her eyes to thank her for all the love she gives me. Sadly, this the first of many hours that I will have to learn to live without my girl.
Lulu, you were so courageous, so brave, strong and full of love. Momma loves you so very much.
Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house.
No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the bathroom.
As of shortly before 6 PM last night, Monday November 14, I said good bye to my dear sweet Lulu.
I cannot believe that 24 hours have passed since I last kissed her, told her I loved her, felt her fur underneath my palms, looked in her eyes to thank her for all the love she gives me. Sadly, this the first of many hours that I will have to learn to live without my girl.
Lulu, you were so courageous, so brave, strong and full of love. Momma loves you so very much.
13 November 2011
anything but an amusement park
I am not going to lie. These days life around here is hard. The ups and downs are extreme. Trying to stay strong for Lulu is damn hard. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have to leave for a short while to drive so I can cry in the car.
Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill.
I simply keep trying to spoil her and love her as much as I can. Clinging to every moment. Savoring each minute detail of her fur, her body, her eyes. Drinking in every moment. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I love Lulu too much.
Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill.
I simply keep trying to spoil her and love her as much as I can. Clinging to every moment. Savoring each minute detail of her fur, her body, her eyes. Drinking in every moment. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I love Lulu too much.
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