for once the universe agrees

Dearest Pats,

I was about to wish that your every dream for 2009 come true. That you find yourself surrounded by friends, laughter, and good times. I almost wished that your every cup runneth over financially, romantically, spiritually, and creatively. That good health be your faithful companion, peace your guarded ally, and love your perpetual guide. When suddenly, it dawned on me that as an infinite, powerful, fun-loving gladiator of the Universe, with eternity before you and the power of your thoughts to help shape it... it's you Patsy Wanderlust, who will be granting wishes this year.

10...9...8...7...6...
The Universe

perspective: endings/beginnings

I am feeling much better today. The sadness attached to his leaving has finally subsided and happiness has stepped back on the scene.

I needed a few days to process his holiday, to sort through my feelings. The immediate aftermath is always hard. My phone rang off the hook on Monday. I didn't answer or make a single call as I simply could not talk to anyone after the departure. My emotions were too raw.

A few days of cocooning were necessary for me though. I started writing up our time together. Simply chronicling and recording - seeing it on a page highlighted all the goodness that did occur.

With my perspective sorted, I am so ready for our huge party tonight! I am ready for 2009 to begin as I am sure this year will also be a wild ride... but anything less would be boring. As much as I hate my roller coaster life some days, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Edina has masterminded a brilliant plan for tonight. But paramount is that tonight I end 2008 and begin 2009 with some of the most important people in my life. I will be surrounded by many of the special blessings that Austin has given me. The past two years here have been pivotal in my life. So many of my dreams have come true down here. I look forward to another year of magic.

goodbye again

I deposited The Southern Gentleman at the airport about an hour ago.

Once again, I felt this pit in my stomach this morning. A gaping empty pit of dread that only grows as the hour of his departure drew closer. I fought back the tears that appeared out of nowhere. I hate that I feel so emotional about his leaving. In the car ride, we were both fairly silent until I told him that this was the part I hated most - his leaving. The Southern Gentleman told me not to be sad in his drawl dripping voice which instantly brings a smile to my face.

But it is the leaving. Leaving with more questions than answers. Leaving with bits of story lines. Understanding of what parts make up the whole. But at the end of it all, he still leaves. The leaving gets me every time.

He confided in me a lot this go-round. He started many stories with "I haven't even told my dad this..." and that is huge coming from him. But even though he can confide me in me, it still isn't enough. Even though The Southern Gentleman told me that he wishes he could have stayed longer, that next time he will stay a week, it still isn't enough.

I am trying so hard not to look through cynical tinted glasses, but it is hard. damn hard. Maybe a glass of wine and a soap opera will make things look a bit brighter.

I will also work on recounting our days together, that always helps a bit too.

tolls

Christmas week. already? I suppose time flies when you're having fun.

During the last week, the ticking clock has become vocal, audible, and all those yummy things that serve as reminders that I prefer not to have on my radar. You see, my full time life here in Austin could be drawing to a close. The lease is up in two months. And two months... eight weeks does not sound like a lot of time.

I have sought and received reprieves in the past. However, I fear my nine lives might be used up. But I can only ask and see what the answer is.

Each time I ask for a bit more time thinking, convincing, fooling myself that I will be ready when the end finally comes. But next month is answer time and I am filled with dread because clearly I am still not ready for anything less than an affirmative response to "shall I renew my lease?"

Will I ever be ready?

Until then, I am going continue enjoying my dream.

beware the fog

It is foggy here today.

Not just a bit of passing fog. It is heavy, hazy fog. The type of fog that bad horror movies are made of. The same fog that rolls in over the hills into the bay covering the city of San Francisco. I am reminded of the days when I lived in the East Bay.

My days in San Fran were grand fun. However, back then, if I were more outgoing, the sky could have been the limit. Still I enjoyed my time there. It was a fabulous year. I really immersed myself into the city. I knew my way around that area like the back of my hand. I could be to any winery in an hour. I soaked up the sun and the wine. It was a freeing experience.

That year would lay the ground work that would lead me to where I am today. Staying on the work site and assimilating into life in a new city.

Over the past ten years, I have lived in many places. Sometimes the places that are designated as "home" feel the most alien. Other places with no attachments, no memories become the more of a home than I've ever known. Alone, building a life in a strange land fulfills me, satisfies me. While change scares some people, it excites me.

Several years ago with Shelley on one of her psychic hunts, we had our palms read and the woman told me that she saw me in a past life dancing around a fire. I was a gypsy. Recently I remembered her words and realized I still carry a lot of that gypsy life along with me. My urge to roam, to explore is still alive and well. I get restless when I am stuck at my home base for too long. The need for adventure, the unknown feeds me, drives me.

When the fog lifts, this small corner of the world will be clear again. I wonder if everything will be visible? Will my next steps be illuminated? Or do I simply follow my wandering soul trusting I will land precisely where I am meant to be?

you lost him at hello

As you know, most of the time I don't even make it to hello. The plain and simple truth is that it is rapidly nearing a year since I've had a real first date. My gal pals and I are out about the town regularly enjoying cocktails and looking fab. But rarely anything beyond that.

With my currently empty dance card, I joyfully leapt at the opportunity to review Jess McCann's You Lost Him at Hello. Let's face it, my current dating tactics require improvement. While I love my girlfriends dearly, I would like to have a date that is not gay, married, or geographically challenged.

I will admit my gleeful excitement was tempered a bit when I saw that Jess is a gorgeous leggy blonde that seemed to have Sir Richard Branson in a tizzy.

However, I found her approach to dating refreshing and straight forward. While sales is not my forte in the working world, applying it to my social/dating life seems very plausible and easy to do.

I do like that Jess begins by making you realize that obviously there are some flaws in your current tactics because why else would you be reading her book. But it was her honesty and not the flippant style that annoyed me in He’s Not That Into You.

While I do employ several of Jess’ pointers, she adds a little twist to push it over the top. An example is when taking a lap in the bar to check it out, rather that just looking around, engage in meaningful eye contact. We were at happy hour a few weeks ago, and I did make meaningful eye contact, not just glance and men did check me out more. A few men went so far as to speak to me. It was great how tweaking one small thing created such a dramatic change!

That evening, my girls were surprised at the few men who said greeted me as I am typically the most unapproachable of the group. I decided to share some of the ideas in You Lost Him at Hello with my girlfriends and we have decided we are going to start seriously using Jess’ ideas whenever we are out. So Jess, feel free to come on down to Austin because your following down here is growing!

We are going to:
· Know and Love ourselves, our product, before we “sell” it!
· Prospect away for men
· Read his buying signs
· Fill that Funnel!!
· End encounters at the Height of Impulse
· Create a bit of skepticism
· Have even more fun!

If you are looking to change things up a bit, then definitely check out You Lost Him at Hello. Jess fills it with real life examples and easy steps to incorporate into your cute little bag of tricks. I know I cannot wait. Check back here too because I will be keeping a chronicle on how continued application of Jess' concepts turns out for me and my girls.

You know you want to... so follow the tour...
Wednesday, December 17th: Savvy Verse and Wit
Thursday, December 18th: Life in Pink
Friday, December 19th: Kristabella- Full of Snark Since 1977
Monday, December 22nd: It’s like, I’m…mmmagic!
Tuesday, December 23rd: Cleveland’s a Plum

insight from the universe

"While I would actually LOVE to help every living soul on the planet remember who they were in the 4th century, why the pyramids were really built, and how their past beliefs shaped their present manifestations, I'd infinitely prefer to help them bust a move here and now, learn some new tricks, get a man, and live their dreams. Which, incidentally, is the only reason anyone ever chooses to come back.

Let's do this,
The Universe

It's easy to get sidetracked, huh, Patsy? It suffices to say, Your Highness, you've always been crazy, sexy, cool."

tmi

as the title suggests... today's topic will be more than you wanted or need to know about me.

i am ravenously hungry today. ravenous.

which only means one thing.

pms is coming to town.

ugh!

only bright point is that this will be the first time The Southern Gentleman will be visiting while dear aunt flo's visit is impending. the old bitch will been happily on her way out the door for his arrival.

that's the only bright point to my day. and i am clutching it. for dear life.

Meet The Doctor

Thursday night's medical rendezvous. I was clad in my red ABS dress with full cooperation from my unruly locks. However, the weather was chilly and I wore my mid-thigh length brocade coat. I was overjoyed to be put together nicely.


With eager anticipation promptly at 5:20 PM, he sent me a text message, "Made it! Traffic was bad." I arrived a few minutes after our agreed-to time. He was already seated at an intimate table for two. He was facing the door. Much like a bride watches the groom as she begins her walk down the aisle, I was certain to watch his face as I entered the restaurant. The Doctor leaped out of his chair, his eyes filled with a weird mix of stun and elation.


I sauntered over to our table and was greet by his open arms. The Doctor has already ordered mojitos for us. Pretty slick. Immediately, we toast and I begin to ask about his conference which was the small nudge he needed to segue into his life as a medical student to present day.


He snuck in an off hand statement wrapped innocently in the middle of a paragraph, "so you never got married?" I replied that I had actually tried being married, and The Leech did not. The Doctor was amazed that I got married and did in fact tell me such. This led to the next topic on his agenda, his children. And that is how he brought up his marriage.


Much like I had fully anticipated, his marriage is not a happy one. Medical school, residency and the accompanying time demands it places on a person, and his accompanying family, have broken their marriage. Her sole focus is on their children. His is on medicine. They are merely co-existing. He is hoping that next year when his hours are manageable because he will be actually practicing that they can repair their marriage; if not, time for the big d.

He went on and on about his children. They are the ones he loves. I played dumb when it came time to answer his inquiry regarding if I had seen the kids' photos on the site. Since I hadn't (wink, wink), I was treated to the photos stored on his phone. Lovely. They look like his wife.

Luckily, another drink abruptly stopped that stream. He asked about my wedding. Apologized for losing touch all these years. He also shared with me that he told his mother that he was meeting me and she sent her regards. His mother always liked me best. He inquired about my profession, the traveling I'd done, places I've lived, adventures I've led. At the end of this section, The Doctor told me he was envious because in the past ten years I've done all the things he is still waiting to do.

Best part was that throughout our time, he would complete sentences with compliments. If I had a nickle for every time he said "You look wonderful," "Wow. You look fabulous," "Absolutely radiant," I would be chateau hunting in the south of France. My ego basked in the glory of knowing he regretted his decision.

We made tentative plans to meet Friday afternoon. He was insistent on paying the bill. We walked out and stood in the middle of the sidewalk to say goodbye. We faced each other and he placed his hands on my shoulders and simply stared at me intently. A beat passed. We hugged goodbye and he kissed me on the cheek.

As per my original plan, I was tra-la-la-ing up Colorado at 7:35 PM. Some of the girls didn't think I would be strong enough to leave, but I knew I would be. The history The Doctor and I share is a delicate game of cat and mouse. It is our true nature when we are together. I still know what he wants. And he's not going to get it.

cocktails, eons, and a red dress

We finally spoke last night. The Doctor and I.

Albeit briefly but still I got a preview.

It is so wonderful to hear your voice again. I cannot wait to see you. Then the record abruptly skipped and it started over again.

Our call ended with This trip changed from boring to wonderful the moment I knew I would see you.

No worries, I have plenty of little airline paper bags to go 'round.

Tonight. 5:30 PM. And I am in the red dress. This will be fun.

I promise there will be stories tomorrow, my sweets.

technology is amazing

How on earth did we survive as a species before the advent of caller id and google?

Case in point, a few short minutes ago a random phone number flashed across my mobile's display. I did not recognize the number so I turned off the ringer and went about my tasks.

The caller did not leave a message but I was curious about the origins of the phone call.

Cue google. A quick area code search yielded a Florida county, which was suspect to my baby blues.

My interest is now piqued, promptly leading to a reverse number look up. After inputting ten little digits and hitting enter, my suspicions are confirmed.

The caller in question is none other than my ex-mother-in-law. Delightful! The annual phone call from the evil fucking dumb bitch. It is clear she has yet to be informed by her lovely son, The Leech that we are in fact divorced. So very divorced that February 2009 marks 4 years I moved him out of my house and subsequently out of my life.

Oh technology! I love you so!

the wrong flavor of persistence

After an enjoyable evening of Christmastime volunteer work with my girls, we decided to flee the warehouse of coats that the Barbies had built and have a dinner al fresco. Yes, dining outside in December is definitely a perk of life in Texas.

I decide to take a peek at my little mobile phone. Much to my surprise, I see there is a text message waiting for me. There is also a missed call and voice mail. All are from the fair Doctor. He hadn't even landed in Austin yet!

Luckily Coco and Edina were there. I immediately flashed them his message, "Off to austin. get in about 11pm. Up for a nightcap?" Not missing a beat, the are you questions were met with a firm no.

Laughing through dinner complete with battered and deep fried bacon was a wonderful way to end the day. En route home, I discovered that during our heart attack in a paper boat dinner that our hero, The Southern Gentleman had called. However, he neglected to leave a message. I was delighted though that he did call to counteract the married Doctor.

The Doctor is definitely persistent. This morning he already sent me another text message with "Loving the warm weather! How are you?" However, I have yet to respond. Debating how to best handle him. Oh why, oh why isn't this a single, non-attached, well-adjusted man instead of mr. married with children? ! ?

Until then, this shall get even more interesting.

tuesday blahs

I love the end of the year.

I only wish my sarcasm came across as palpable as it sounds in my head. Of course tons of work tasks to be finished and vacation time around here is use-it-or-lose-it, so I will be doing some creative juggling. Time to whip out the calendar and plot a course!

In dire need of getting on the buy a few small Christmas presents for The Southern Gentleman. Must release my inner Scrooge to the universe.

The Doctor is currently en route to Austin. As Thursday draws closer, my weariness factor grows. I had my outfit chosen but am now rethinking the whole ensemble... does the devil really need to wear the hot red dress?

What do you think?

addiction

I am beyond excited! !

Today we go see Twilight.

I am not expecting the movie to be as tasty as the book. Honestly there is no way the movie can be. The book primarily focuses in on emotion, which cannot be conveyed in a movie. Besides the kid that plays Edward in the flick is no where as hott as the Edward that dances through my head as I read. None the less, I am excited because a bunch of us girls are going to see it together. Regardless of the film's presentation, we'll have a fab time!

And today is the final day of NaBloPoMo! And I made it! All 30 days I posted something! Woo Hoo!!

returned

Promptly returned the digital photo frame that I awoke at the crack of dawn for. Yeah, not quite what I had in mind. Oh well,

Today the hound girls and I hit the trail and the little hound really did learn how to walk on a leash while my parents were here. Of course, I also think I walked the poor thing's little paws off, but she is overweight... the way I justify it.

I am remain surprised and somewhat disturbed by the fact that The Doctor called me twice on Wednesday. I did not answer the phone. But calling twice? No phone call was really necessary until he reaches Austin. Yikes, Thursday will be here before I know it!

the day after

I wanted a silly digital photo frame so I found myself at Kohl's promptly at 4:02 this morning. I picked up the frame and one of a few small presents I had on my list from The Southern Gentleman.

Unfortunately I don't know my way around that Kohl's so I ended up spending 45 minutes in line waiting to check out. I had the Clampets behind me the entire time. They weren't Texas rednecks as they did not have a drawl... must have been from Oklahoma or Kansas.

Slept and lounged around the house for the remainder of the day. Low key, which is exactly what the doctor ordered.

a holiday

Happy Turkey Day ! !

Yippee for a holiday without family drama... what a nice change of pace!

bits and pieces

The day before Thanksgiving and the office is a barren wasteland of silence. If only more days here in these hallowed halls of cubicles were like this.

This morning I opened my email to find yet another email from The Doctor. Next Thursday night is going to be very interesting. Very, as the man is too excited. And in my humble opinion, he simply shouldn't be.

The Southern Gentleman arrives a month from today. A month sounds so distant but it will be here in an instant. I don't know what to expect or anticipate for his trip. But I am not repeating his last trip where my expectations were through-the-roof unrealistic. I am striving to go back to where I was for his first visit last September. That was a good place.

signing out for today.

his intentions

Received the note below from The Doctor. We are scheduled to meet up a week from Thursday. A portion of his note doesn't sit well with me. Can you guess which line?

Pats:
No real snow yet, just cold. Was 13 [degrees Fahrenheit] yesterday at the football game! They say that this weather is nothing yet! OH Boy, I can't wait!
Glad the B-day was good. Looking forward to going on in a few weeks!!
What is your email and cell phone? Would love to chat over the phone.
My cell is: XXX-XXX-XXXX
The Doc

I'll post my answer in the comments later today :-)

allegies + meds

A word to the wise...

If one already has an extremely low tolerance for any type of over-the-counter medication, then taking a sleep-inducing allergy reliever at 8 AM is not a good idea.

Even super potent high octane coffee has not lifted the fog.

Is the day over yet?!

invaders-b-gone

At 6 AM today, I wished my house guest a safe trip home and quietly reclaimed my home.

It was nice to have my parents here but it certainly was wonderful to walk around in my undies again too! I am thrilled to have my freedom to go out at night and catch up with my friends.

I feel so out of the loop in terms of my social life. I cannot wait to see many of the girls tonight!

Short post as work is killing me today. Why isn't this a slow short week like it is supposed to be?!

to grinch or not to grinch...

I don't get into the whole Christmas thing. Yes, I am a grinch at heart. I say bah humbug.

But since The Southern Gentleman is coming at Christmas time, do I need to pretend that I like Christmas? Do I need to put up the little artificial tree my landlord left behind in the garage?

Do I show my true grinchness? or do I sugar coat and tolerate a bit of Christmas cheer?

I decorate the every inch of the house and yard for Halloween, Easter, St. Patrick's Day. But I lack zeal for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe because these two major holidays were always surrounded and continue to be surrounded by family drama that I shy away from them?

Is it too much information for him to know how I currently feel about these two holidays?

I don't know if The Southern Gentleman is a fellow grinch or a Clark W. Griswald.

And then, do I have to get him any little presents?! Gah!

Or maybe I simply shouldn't be thinking this deep about the whole thing.

the pineapple is on the bed

My parents have been here for two weeks now. I am ready for my mother to go. Oh, the rant will come once I have my house back to myself.

Until then, self preservation is key.

a search

The other evening, I received an unusual call. The woman on the other end of the line was tenuous. Based on her set up, I assumed she was some sort of bill collector/loan shark trying to find the whereabouts of either my brother or ex-leech.

However, the woman asked if my mother was named Judith. I was blind sided by that one, fully prepared to disavow knowledge of either my bro or leech. No, I told her, my mother is not named Judith.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. Then she proceeded to explain she was trying to help her husband find his birth mother. Yikes - what a search indeed. I proceeded to explain to her that my father's family is not from the mile high city and he doesn't have sisters named Judith. In fact both of his sisters never had any children, and hiding it would not have been possible with my father's mother.

She thanked me for being open and honest about our little family tree. I simply replied that I wish I could have helped, provided a warm trail.

I could not imagine trying to track down a parent like that. With the Internet, it is certainly much easier today. But still, what will he do once he's found her? Will it be a sappy Maury daytime television reunion or will she want no part of him? I hope they find her and no matter the outcome, he gets what he needs.

as of 7 AM central time, the southern gentleman is officially ticketed.

he arrives the day after christmas.

wow.

and i'm the bearded lady

Clearly, the carnival is in town.

Because my life feels like a three ring circus.

The Doctor arrives at the beginning of next month. The Southern Gentleman at the end of next month.

And then... Montana Man told me this morning that he might have to come down here on a business trip next month. I am hoping that does not materialize.

December is shaping up to be the polar opposite of November!

stunned

the southern gentleman is making plans to come down here for christmas.

as if to be sending me dates to approve so he can purchase a ticket.

shock and awe. it ain't just a military operation in iraq.

once a month

I loathe PMS.

I am tired of being bloated. I hate that this is the only time of the month when I have voluptuous ta-tas. I do not like that water retention makes my pants tight. I already have enough body imagine problems with my thighs, can we not accentuate this while my hormones are on a rampage?

Keeping my fingers crossed that my dear pal Pamprin comes to the rescue.

you get to play dr. laura, part II

The Southern Gentleman wrote:

yep. be happy about the green you make. the next 15 months for my biz is going to be tough, but i will survive and then move to retail before 2010.

i do have sleep pills and used one last night. that was great sleeping 10 hours.

don't fret about men. be careful what you wish for..........you ladies are just as tough to figure out. i am excited to go to a halloween party tomorrow night!!! that is going to be a good time for sure!

be safe this weekend. bye, TSG

I responded with:

So what are you going to be for Halloween? You know have to be dressed up for the party! Tomorrow is going to be yet another crazy day/night out here as it is the annual Hill Country Wine Tour. We will be on a bus from 10 AM to 8 PM, drinking mimosas on the bus and then going to several wineries. Afterwards a few of us girls have a Halloween party to go to as well. I plan on seriously pacing myself, so I can make it to the party. I have no costume but am sure I will be divinely inspired by tomorrow night.

It isn't really fretting about men. It is simply that I am ready for the next phase of my life to begin. Something with more substance. To truly build a life with someone. And even though I love it here in Austin, I know it is not here. Nor is it in CO. I wish for it every day and I will be very thankful when the timing is finally right.

Here is the link to my trip photos --> http://www.flickr.com/

Beware... I was channeling my inner Japanese tourist and took millions of photos! Of course my favorites are of the cemetery and food!

Meeting some of the girls after work for happy hour! Must pickle my liver!! Have fun this weekend!! xoxo

Then The Southern Gentleman sent:

wow! nice pix through just the first two pages............i will keep looking for sure. makes me want to travel, but all focus is on work and no play these days.
you have a safe and great weekend too.

bye, TSG

you get to play dr. laura, part I

Today and tomorrow, I am sharing a few email exchanges between me and The Southern Gentleman. These were from October.

Why am I sharing? So you can tell me what you think. Not so much about him, but how you feel about my responses. Honesty, kids - that's all I am asking from you.

Enjoy!

The Southern Gentleman wrote:

please let me know the pills you started taking. i am usually really happy and excited everyday, but this week has been trying. worried about the economy and went to a trade show in NC City the last 2 days. everybody says it is real slow just like i heard in NY ten days back. ugh. just gotta keep plugging along. My biz did score several new items. i love NC City. that was the best part, the drive up in autumn. i think i should have stayed as it appears to be a very busy two days back here and then a trip to my parent's sunday through tuesday. sleep has been minimal too the past 4-5 days. i need to crash out for awhile too. bye, TSG

My response:

My magic cure was that I switched to a new multivitamin and reminded myself that I enjoy my steady paycheck. However, when bestest gay pal ever was here, I did realize that I am underpaid. significantly underpaid.

I've never been to NC City but you always speak so highly of it that one day I will have to find my way there. In terms of your biz though, maybe part of this is simply the lull before holiday shopping commences. Chin up, as I would assume your patrons tend to be those who are insulated from this economy stuff, right?

Austin seems to be somewhat shielded from the rest of the country and I barely watch telly, so my feathers don't get as ruffled about the economy. Of course a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am staring down 34 and pondering what the hell I am doing with my life. I have a good job, a roof over my head, in decent shape, cute, and have a brain to boot... what more could one ask for, right? Another year is drawing to a close and I continue to live the Company way - (removed). No one has asked me on a date in almost a year. The dirty old guys at work don't count; if anything, they make me feel worse. Edina and Magda had men falling at their feet in BsAs, while I was always odd man out. Where did I miss the dock to board the love boat? However, maybe I haven't reached the dock yet. Selfish introspection can quickly squelch anything the economy can throw around. Money can buy a lot of things (you have seen how many pairs of shoes I own!), but like the song says money can't buy me love.

Talk to me about this specific new item! What other goodies do you have squirreled away in your safe? Get some rest, even with the aid of Tylenol PM for desperate measures. It is tough always being on the go. At least the weekend is almost here. xoxo

weekend ramp up

I am elated that it is finally Friday. The week o' hell is nearing an end. Of course, we both know that on Monday week o' hell: back with a vengeance will rear its head. But for the time being, let's toss that little snippet of reality aside.

Ah... a week of having the ass grabber sit in the adjoining cube. What a delight! At least there has only been minimal undressing me with his eyes. He is busy trying to dazzle our new admin. However, she is not any sort of hottie or young, dumb thing. As the world turns here.

May make a run down to Houston this weekend for a bit of unnecessary shopping. Like I need more costume jewelry, but I won't be here forever. Hence the rationalizing and justifying has already taken over.

*Clunk* *Thunk* ... oops, there is that pesky glass ceiling again... been hitting my head all week...

oh where, oh where

I finally broke down and replied to The Southern Gentleman's email that contained the inquiry about my schedule for the remainder of the year. I simply told him the truth - that the rest of my year is fairly clear as I am remaining in Austin for all major holidays.

My motivation has gone missing. I don't if it is claritin/tylenol sinus induced or unchallenged induced. I have a feeling it is a little bit of both. But in happiness, my calendar is filling up quickly for December parties and festivities. Maybe I won't don my grinchness this year.

ugh. That's all I've got for today. It will be interesting to see what The Southern Gentleman does next.

turn of events

coming down off a caffeine high is never fun. and the resulting headache. that is the part i despise most. ugh.

however, in the continuing saga of The Southern Gentleman, he has sent me emails on both monday and tuesday. normally, i'd be floating around on cloud nine but the loyal old dog has her cynical glasses firmly affixed to her nose.

monday's email tread lightly. tuesday's email had a bit more punch. you see in tuesday's note, The Southern Gentleman has me back on his radar screen and wants for us to rendezvous before year end. in the immortal words of Shelly, the gal from saturday must have been pretty damn bad on more than one front.

i'm not jumping through hoops to reply though. old faithful needs a few more days to stew, nor do i want to make him believe this behavior is okay as to have him repeat it in the future.

realizing the parallel between his behavior and Montana Man's has made my heart sick. plain and simple.

sunday text and mobile

saturday - no email, no phone call, no card from the southern gentleman.

sunday morning - a text message. I am a bad friend. Happy be-lated Birthday! Alcoholism z a bad thing. Call u later - TSG

sunday afternoon - a phone call. the southern gentleman was extraordinarily apologetic. sent a card to my mile high home as he could not find my austin address. he told me that he thought of me on saturday and meant to call but. yes, the 'buts.' something about tailgating, then a dinner. dinner with 14 people during which he thought of me when the wine was poured. supposedly planned to call me after dinner but was not in any condition to do so. hence sunday's timeline.

normally i would be elated. however, i feel nothing lightly laced with anger, frustration.

it is simple. i want more. i want more than being someone's second choice. the one that is kept in the background like the loyal old dog that is always there.

yesterday i realized that montana man and the southern gentleman both keep me as their old faithful. which disgusted me. whether they share it with me or not, each man goes out into the world searching for miss perfect and when the search reaches a dead end or they need a rest, they come back to me. i also know each is torn, coming to terms with is there better than patsy out there?

but with their question comes mine, do i want either of these men? somehow, i do need to answer that question.

a new day

my birthday was quite fun. i was not without a drink in hand all night. somehow the cocktails magically appeared. but then that led to let's engage our swiss cheese memory!

yeah. pieced together the night. i love love love my girlfriends. they are the bestest ever.

but right now. here today. at this very moment. i am disheartened by the infamous glass ceiling. i want to scream. i am so angry. when will i finally get the opportunity to reconfigure the room design so i can remove the glass ceiling? grrr...

back in the land of the living after nursing my over boozed little body yesterday.

today must play tour guide as i had some unexpected visitors arrive. and no, not the southern gentleman. the guests are my parents.

back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow!

the aftermath...

happy birthday

today.

34.

thirty-four.

i remember being young and thinking 34 was so old.

now that i am here. i see the glass as half full.

i so looking forward to celebrating downtown with my friends tonight!

34 is much better than i could have ever imagined!

crickets

the title says it all.

here we are - the day before my birthday - and i have heard nothing from The Southern Gentleman. nothing.

no card. no email.

i certainly hope he proves me wrong tomorrow.

but i am not holding my breath.

scents that linger

i just went downstairs to get a quick cup of coffee. my daily mid-morning turbo boost.

as the elevator doors opened, a man walked off leaving a trail of cologne. ahh, how a man in cologne can perk my dulled morning senses. he wasn't cute. but the cologne definitely woke me up. this man wore the scent i associate with montana man. the cologne remained for my ride up the tower.

speaking of men, the girls came over and we played mahjohngg. it was the first time i played and man, could it be addicting! i loved it. edina was filling me in on what i missed after i left on tuesday evening. she made me laugh because she described the man that was enamoured with me that night as "patsy's future boyfriend." i had to giggle. that descriptor made the rest of the girls' ears perk up, which turned my giggle into a laugh. needless to say, they immediately went to work on figuring out how find out more information about this man with the little information we already had. gotta love my girls!

tuesday night fun and games

last night, i met edina at a roof top happy hour. at said happy hour, i was approached by a man who was on the same wine tour with us a few weeks ago. the power of wine and a calvin klein dress equated to him hitting on me!

it was quite exciting. at first i though it was purely the fact that edina and i were the only familiar faces in the vicinity. however, it was when he waited in line with me for a glass of vino that i realized he might actually be a bit interested in me. when we finally reached the bar, they were out of wine glasses. we hovered around the bar await the glasses arrival. the beauty of the situation was that when the glasses appeared, he immediately inquired as to which variety i wanted and he got my glass of wine for me. now attentiveness goes a long way with this girl.

edina was taking this all in. she made sure to invite him to my birthday celebration this weekend. he appeared to be committing it to memory, but honestly i am simply happy for the few moments of attention i received last night.

i had to leave early to go to my reiki session. edina urged me to cancel due to male prospects, but i simply couldn't. i come first.

my reiki session was absolutely amazing. it took me awhile to get grounded in my body again, but i feel so much lighter. i am definitely happy with the choice i made last night.

voids, they're what's for dinner

This past weekend Cherry and I did a bit of shopping. During our spending o' the green, we spoke a lot of our recent gripes and rants. The more Cherry and I talk, the more it becomes glaringly apparent that we lead the same life. The journey of the ex-husbands alone proved that we are one-in-the-same.

Cherry's primary rant was that while Austin is one of the best places in the country to be single, that doesn't necessarily mean that men are just waiting to get hooked by a woman's lure and drug off to white picket fence, happily ever after land. And she is so right. My last date was in January. We're talking January, people! Almost a year! And - for the record - I do not sit at home singing hymns waiting for Prince Charming to beam down to my door step.

Friends. My friends are hands down the best, most wonderful here. Absolutely. But Cherry and I both agree that sadly it's not enough. With a whole, full, magically wonderful life, there still resides a void.

The void tends to become glaringly apparent during the month of November. While I truly love being blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people who love me, the speck of the void grows just enough to be constantly palpable. The taste reminds me of my loneliness. Falling asleep at night with only a ball of fur. Not having someone to kiss me good morning on my birthday and say that he is very happy that I was born.

While everything, for the most part, is perfect out here, the void continues to enjoy its hold on me for yet another birthday.

it's all the planets fault

from our dear pals at astrology zone...

"Your love life has had more twists and turns than a rollercoaster, and although this month may bring more of the same, you also may get a number of truly encouraging signs that finally your love life is due to change and head in the right direction.

Neptune RULES your house of true love and Uranus is currently traveling IN this same sector. This means that both planets have a large bearing on how your love life will proceed. The problem has been that both Neptune and Uranus have been in lethargic retrograde mode for months, moving backward for a very long time.

If you are single and frustrated with your love life, you know why! You probably felt like you were walking through glue. It was hard to see any progress, even if you tried hard to fix things. If you are in an established relationship, you may have gone 'round and 'round on certain issues, but not really ending up where you wanted things to go. You may have felt that your relationship was either stagnating or worse - that there was no hope you'd ever come to any sort of firm agreement on anything. Be of good cheer, dear Scorpio - now you will! Neptune turns direct on November 3 and Uranus turns direct on November 27, so this is all good news for you, and a signal you should try, try, try again. "

Well, duh!

If it could only be so easy that two plants go straight.

but I do maintain a wee bit of hope in my cold heart...

Day Two

Read this story

and while good for him....

It simply makes me want to slit my wrists.

a girl with it all - good job, cute, in decent shape, smart, witty, a dresser - and I am alone.

Universe... you have some explaining to do!!

Day One

November is always my favorite month. It is for many Americans because it marks fall, Thanksgiving, and the start to Christmas shopping. While I enjoy fall, I don't care for the holiday trappings. Never been fond of turkey and over the years Christmas has waned as well.

The reason I love November is simple - it's my birthday month! And since my day is early in the month, I always attempt to milk it for as long as possible.

Shortly I will be greeting 34. And I could not think of a better place to do it. Here. In the land of heat, humidity, and obligatory creepy-crawlies. But most importantly surrounded by my friends. My friends in a place where I have been the happiest ever.

Happy November!

where i am coming from

The entire Southern Gentleman situation has been swirling down the toilet since I announced my Argentine holiday.

He did not like that I went without him even though he would not commit to a date.

I specifically asked him to come for my birthday. Upon initially asking, he stated that he made plans to meet his friends, Sam and Suzie on my birthday but would see about changing the date. He had offered alternatives and I told him that any of those would work but I would appreciate if he could see about my actual birthday weekend.

Typically, The Southern Gentleman would go straight to work on getting things set up for his visit, regardless of whether it would be birthday weekend or a subsequent weekend.

That did not happen this time. Furthermore, when he did finally announce that he was not coming, he did not offer one of his previously free weekends either. His reason for not coming (meeting friends a town over) and he is being secretive makes me think he is being set up with a girl. However, being set up, regardless of its truth is neither here nor there.

The phone call was simply the icing on a series of less than stellar attitude from him since August. Emails have been laced with rudeness. Maybe he is having a bad go of it but I cannot tolerate him taking it out on me. An innocent bystander who is 1,500 miles away.

I was prepared to leave my wonderful life here for him.

I have not seen The Southern Gentleman in 7 months. Daily emails do not make up for face time. I cannot go visit him because I have not been invited. Additionally, when I did suggest it last year, I was shot down. As such, I have completely respected his desire to take the lead.

In six short months, it will be 9 years that I first met this man. It has been over a year that I have thought there could be something more there. I see no reason to continue pursuing something that varies on his whims. I cannot let his hangups/fears stand between me and my happiness. If he decides to come around and I am available, I will entertain the idea. However, I cannot continue to wait as precious time continues to pass me by.

different and done

He called last night. Just like he said he would. We spoke for almost an hour. 48 minutes to be exact. But.

But something was different. He wasn't the same old Southern Gentleman. Something was missing in the lilt of his voice. I felt an undertone of annoyance at times. Not the usual lovey goodbye. Worse yet, no mention of a visit any time next month or ever. Something was off.

It has been a year. I am tired. I no longer have time for these reindeer games.

I am letting him go.

just shoot me

the hurricane struck on Monday evening. rocked my world on all fronts yesterday. every single facet of my personal and work life.

icing on the cake... just received a note from The Southern Gentleman that he is not coming for my birthday.

will it ever get better?

oh my pickled liver and the geico lizard chronicles

my social calendar has been non-stop since arriving home from holiday. not a speck of breathing room. i may be growing tired of burning the candles at both ends.

friday night we did a bit of bar hopping. edina, coco, and i enjoyed our libations privately prior to joining the larger group. edina and i ducked out before midnight for our beauty sleep and to ensure we made it to our wine tour.

the wine tour. well, i ended the day being thoroughly snockered. i voiced my opinion to the gigantic ego ass male who ran the tour and of course he is the type of man who hates for anyone to have an opinion, and oh heaven forbid that a woman dare question his supreme knowledge. needless to say he demanded i apologize for having an opinion. i nicely told him to go screw himself.

however, we had a good time. too much wine consumed. i missed the halloween party, but know it was better that way.

sunday i had a break down - amen there wasn't an accompanying hangover. we've established that i grew up with a lack of creepy-crawlies. well yesterday there was a code blue in the house because a chameleon lizard character attempted come inside the house. he bears a striking resemblance to the geico lizard. but even picturing the cheeky little chap did not help.
[lizard + sliding glass door with crappy screen + me = (sheer terror + me)*10,000] - (dogs oblivious)

no, it was not pretty at all. i was a pure, unadulterated basket case crying on the phone to my father to come to Austin now and take care of it! that tactic did not work as all my dear old dad did was laugh hysterically. i could not kill the lizard though. i whispered to the lizard from afar, asking him go back the way he came. finally with a lot of deep breathing, praying, and pleading, the lizard finally did move to the outside facing door pane. I pushed the door closed with the broom handle, lest lizard decide to try coming back in. after hours of terror, the perimeter was secure.

i hate creepy-crawlies. how am i ever going to survive in the south?

how memories get me in trouble

This morning while washing my face, a ghost from my past randomly jumped into my thoughts. The Doctor.

I haven't thought about The Doctor for eons. In fact, it feels like that entire tryst occurred in another lifetime altogether. My grad school days of yore.

The snippet that danced across my cortex was when I had just graduated with my masters and returned from a quick trip to Mexico. The Doctor had been waxing and waning from my life for about two years at that point. He always wanted me, wooing me relentlessly, mercilessly but he possessed a fear of me as well. Digging into the fear would give me enough material for a Ph.D. dissertation, so we won't peak beneath those covers right now.

Earlier that summer I began working on a new account and The Doctor knew where I worked part-time as we'd obviously talk about it. Upon return from my Mexican holiday, I went to the office and ran right into The Doctor. As my two worlds collided, he happily explained that he was working for the client (as we were collocated on-site). I could not believe it. As if to be seeing him daily. For hours on end. I was flabbergasted. What a lengths a boy would go for me!

During this time, we did grow close. I can still see the goofy smile that would cross his face every time he saw me. He truly did adore me. However, lots of drama ensued; primarily spearheaded by his manipulative best friend. The Doctor chose his bff''s choice of girlfriend for him over what his own heart told him. And as they say, the rest is history.

So my little detective heart took a peak at facebook today. And guess who is on there... yup, y'all are bright and guessing right! The Surgeon.

Based on the photographic evidence, he is still married to bff's choice and has two children. The Doctor immediately sent me an email. The best part is the portion where he happily states he is coming to Austin this winter and would love to see me again.

they say you can never go home again: part II

During that Saturday morning while doing laundry, I thought long and hard about attending this wedding alone, per the original plan. I am a strong, independent woman who can hold her own. However, the mere thought of sitting through the wedding and reception alone, without someone to share the pain was unbearable. Try as hard as I might, if the bachelorette party was this bad, the actual wedding had no hope. Especially since this was to be a small, intimate wedding. The mother of the bride would be busy entertaining guests and I would be stuck alone with the bitchy girls from the night before. I decided it was better to have Montana Man there with me and so I asked him to join me when he called later in the day.

Clearly, my specifically asking him to join me was exactly what he sought because he started to protest a bit to induce me into asking a bit more. In order to get a rise out of me, Montana Man stated that he did not want to get dressed for the wedding and was going to wear jeans. Normally, I would have protested, however, I was thrilled he was going to suffer with me that I told him, “you can wear jeans, or a suit, or simply your underwear; I don’t care.” The plan was set; I would pick him up and then we’d whisk down to the clubhouse to endure the nuptials.

I also looked at my asking him to join me as step in cementing the friendship aspect of us. His escorting me was merely what one does for a friend. Our relationship ended long ago and I have been away for 1 ½ years, which has greatly changed me and any landscape we might have had. I was firm in my resolve that we would have nice time, enjoy a few cocktails, exchange knowing looks over the ridiculous, and the night would be over.

In all of this, the thought of my super secret holiday streaked across my mind. There would not be anyone I knew at this wedding besides the bride’s parents and they will be so busy, nervous, relieved that my holiday would not be mentioned. Besides, the day is all about the bride. Furthermore, Montana Man is not a popular character with the bride’s parents and I assumed they would be cautious and wondering why the hell he was with me. I rationalized it all away complete with crossing t’s and dotting i's.

Montana Man called late on Saturday evening but I was so dead to the world that my sleeping ears never heard the ringing. No message.

Sunday. The big day. As this was an evening wedding, I got to repack and go through the mail, knowing nothing else would get accomplished once I left the house. I tried on three dresses and decided to wear the Anne Klein chocolate brown dress. It was smart and not too flashy. Plus it is a size 8 which made me do cartwheels down the hall. Simple, classic.

Dressed and looking particularly good, I hopped in the car to wheel myself south toward the wedding. Montana Man called me along the way to explain the procedure when I reached the guard shack of his subdivision. Made it through the guard detail fine; however, I did get hopelessly lost trying to find his house. After many u-turns, dodging deer, and heightened blood pressure, Montana Man is waiting for me in his driveway with a glass of red wine in his hand. I climbed out of the car and he handed me the glass of wine, telling me, “I could hear it in your voice that you need this after your tour of the area.” I happily take the wine and take a hearty swallow of the red goodness. After a few sips, relaxation does come over me. We went inside his home and he proceeded to start a small home tour as I have not been here before. His backyard is spectacular and I was enthralled watching the deer munch on grass. I turned to him to tell him how beautiful it is and he cut me off saying how happy he was to see me. Montana Man looked at me with goofy, loving eyes then gave me a big hug and simultaneously grabbed my bum and tried to give me a kiss that I quickly turned into a cheek kiss.

As we stroll past the kitchen, Montana Man took the bottle of wine to pour himself a glass. He picked up the bottle and I noticed that the ¾ of the bottle is already gone. He also tops off my glass. We finished the main floor tour and our wine.

Time to head off to the wedding. I drove the 3 minutes to the golf course and got rock star parking. We strolled over to where the white chairs were set up on the lawn for the ceremony. There are 50 chairs total, the bride and groom’s side each being five chairs across and five chairs deep. There was hardly anyone present. It was 5:00 PM. The wedding begins at 5:00 PM.

Montana Man wanted to sit in the back row. I protested because there were so few people and the skeleton crew was all hiding in the back row already. I explained this wasn’t a class, but a wedding, so we must be near the front to celebrate. We took the seats in third row, the two closest to the aisle. The bride’s family sat in the first two rows. The maid of honor’s (bride’s sister) boyfriend, Idiot, sat directly in front of me in the second row. Idiot looked directly at me and then turned back around in his seat. I breathed a sigh of relief because I am not fond of him (as if you didn’t already figure that out by how I described him). It took him a few minutes to register who I was and then he turned right back around and said in a big, loud voice, “How was Argentina?!”

My heart stopped.

to be continued.....

they say you can never go home again: part I

My first weekend back in the U.S. was a doozy. More specifically that Sunday was a memorable day. However, the term memorable doesn’t serve as the optimal word to best summarize the events. There are a host of words and feelings whirling through my being.

In order for you to assist in my quest for the perfect single word summary, sit back and enjoy the tale…

My holiday was a bit longer than that of my traveling companions because I had a wedding to attend in the Mile High City. Rather than return to the Texas heat and humidity on Friday afternoon, I returned home to my comfy, fluffy king sized bed and square footage I can stretch out in.

On my drive from the airport, I felt strongly compelled to call Montana Man. (Important Note: I did not tell Montana Man about my overseas holiday!) Montana Man does not say hello upon answering the phone; instead I am greeted by “where the hell have you been!?” said with a strong dose of worry and anger. I was not prepared for him to have any emotion. With my party line already prepared, I respond, “I had to jump off the grid for a bit. I needed the break without world distraction.”

He was unfazed. Obviously Montana Man had been practicing his tirade, “I have been worried sick about you. I am so mad at you right now. How could you just disappear like that without a single word? Do you understand that you are in Texas, all by yourself and I worried about you? That something happened to you and you were alone. You could have had an accident and been in a hospital alone. Your phone was off. You weren’t on instant messenger. You didn’t respond to email. I even emailed you at work. I almost sent an email to your father. Your father. Do you understand the gravity of that? That is how worried I was about you.”

Caught completely off-guard, I tell him, “I am sorry that you were worried, but I needed to disappear for a bit.” “The least you could have done, should have done is tell me that you needed to disappear. I would have respected that.” My brain kicks in, “Do you know how many times you caused me great worry. I can tell you the number of times I reluctantly went to your house, afraid I’d find a dead body. I worried about you a lot. So now we are even.” All he could muster was a “this is different.” I am simply thinking to myself since when do I owe him any explanation for any of my whereabouts? We go weeks without talking now, so something pretty big must have happened while I was away. To discover what he needed from me while I was gone, I inquire about the girls. “They are okay. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am mad at you.” The conversation ends with Montana Man saying he will call me later.

Of course on the drive home, I could not stop thinking about how off the mark I was naively believing he’d barely notice I was missing. So not expecting that. And why the lecture about worry? Since when does he possess care and concern about me? I write it off to reason #3,573 why men are weird.

Montana Man calls me later that evening while I remain delirious from zero sleep since stepping foot on the plane the day before and he inquires if he is accompanying me to the wedding. My response is either way, he can come if he wishes or not. He is clearly taken aback by my laissez faire attitude. The call ends with another “will call you tomorrow” from him.

Friday night I attend the bachelorette party, which is a travesty with the bride not wanting to do shots and being afraid to approach men to complete the items on her scavenger hunt list. All the girls in attendance were in their early-to-mid 20s and quite unfriendly. Only one gal would speak back to me. I called it quits at 10 PM, blaming it on jet lag whereas in reality I was tired of being odd chick out.

to be continued...

rising from the reams of copy paper

Re-acclimating to reality has not been fun. Back in the saddle: week two started at the crack of dawn this morning. Actually it wasn't even dawn yet because it was pitch black outside.

Needless to say, I am still buried under thirteen stories of neglected work. I keep hoping to see the end but alas I am not quite that lucky. yet. Holiday was fun but so much has happened since I returned to U.S. soil.

And the fun started as soon as I was literally on U.S. terra because at 5:30 in the morning, the U.S. immigration officer actually hit on me! Typically, those officer people are no nonsense and lack a personality. Not this guy. In my disheveled, been on a plane for 17 days freshness, the officer asks, "So, home is the Mile High City?" I give the brilliant answer, "yes." He swipes my passport through the fancy-dancy reader and says, "That's too bad. You cleared the system so I can't keep you here, even though I would really like too." Being half asleep, again moving before the crack of dawn, I couldn't muster a witty response because I was mortified at his non-official talk. So instead I muttered something about just being happy to be home. Obviously, I am quite out of practice and fairly useless without caffeine coursing through my veins.

However, there are stories to come, but I need to pay my mortgage first. But I know y'all will be patient because there is an especially juicy tale of Montana Man adventures just waiting to be told

she's back

My follies are over... at least for the time being...

Holiday was good but lots of sad things happened while I was away too.

Today is my first official day back in the office. I desperately need caffeine, although food I can do without from eating so many damn cows.

Weird things happened while I was home this weekend that have stirred up all sorts of emotions deep within my soul. Those are the thoughts occupying my mind's first class seats rather than the remnants of holiday euphoria.

But it certainly is nice to be home again with my puppy girls.

Bon Voyage!

Operation Get The Hell Out Of Dodge is in full, forward movement.

Of course, work has been insane. Add to it deciding on what clothes to bring, especially when faced with this dreaded 50 pound weight limit and taking into account estimated oversea purchases weight... ugh! it is just too much math for one tired girl's brain!

I think I am set on clothing and just need to pack it neatly in the suitcase. Next up, packing the carry-on with books, cameras, contact lens supplies, and eye glasses.

And tomorrow, I board the plane for two and half lovely weeks away from reality. I can't wait but can't believe it is here already too.

Add to all this fun the fact that The Southern Gentleman has called me on Saturday, Monday, and today. He also mentioned numerous times that I must keep in touch via internet cafes while I am down there. Delighted he is super supportive of this trip, telling me during each phone call that he is happy I am going because I deserve the break. But he has yet to directly respond to the flame fanning libido email. Of course, then again he has called me three time since the email so maybe I have received his response after all.

Bon voyage for this girl. See ya in a few weeks... and don't do anything I wouldn't do! xo

comfort zones

In my email correspondence with The Southern Gentleman, I tend to be the furthest thing from blunt with him when it comes to us. I prefer to use stories from my daily life to illustrate salient points. The Southern Gentleman, on the other hand, tends to deliver suggestive innuendos that are randomly generated from out of left field.

Our most recent email conversation is a prime example of our ying and yang.

My vanilla email reads: So happy you are home! Yikes! Even though my birthday is 2 months away, I am tripping out at the fact I will be 34 before I know it!

My secret underlying message: Knock, knock, hello? We are not getting any younger here?! By the way, come out here for my birthday.

The Southern Gentleman's reply: 34!! you are a young woman in the peak libido years of your life!

The Southern Gentleman's secret underlying message: 34!! you are a young woman in the peak libido years of your life!

Yes, our styles are clearly vastly different.

Typically, I would not touch his provocative reply because it is way outside my happy little comfort zone seeing as he and I are in this sort of relationship purgatory; each of us with one foot in the big relationship pool and the other foot planted on shaky, fear ground.

However, after the surprise and excitement subsided, I decided that I must travel outside my comfort zone and continue with the momentum he built. And in order to do that, I had to consult Coco as I knew she'd provide good inspiration. Coco did not disappoint (Thanks my dear!).

So this morning, I hit the reply button and sent just one sentence to The Southern Gentleman:

What good is it to be in my prime if the man who fans my flames is so far away?!

Now, we just wait and see....

between the lines

life has been a bit frazzled lately. preparing mentally for holiday and getting the never ending pile of work done so i can leave in relative peace. my desk resembles fiona's pre-cleaned. simply need to ensure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed before i sail away as i do not want to leave any room for dismissal whilst i am out of sight.

i leave a week from today. my, how the month has flown by.

today i am breaking in my second pair of holiday shoes. lots of laundry shall be done this weekend as to be dressed in slacks as opposed to looking like a typical american complete with jeans and tennis shoes.

the southern gentleman is safely back in the country. somehow he misread an email i sent a few weeks ago when i was in a total panic about my upcoming holiday. the email stated that i feared i had made a huge mistake agreeing to this holiday. translated into boy terms, he read "patsy is not going on holiday" because i have now received two emails eluding to such. i suppose the southern gentleman read what he wanted to read. he said he would call tonight and at that time i will correct him because i am leery to address it via email... "where the hell did you get the idea i wasn't going?" comes across so much better in spoken word.

the piles of papers and financial penalties are beckoning me....

waiting game

daily for the past week, i have been anxiously skipping to the mail each evening when I return home. sadly, my return to the house has lacked skipping because the post box's contents were typically bills and/or advertisements. just when i was convinced the southern gentleman had neglected to send his usual postcard from the other side of the moon, the hand written card appeared yesterday!

woo hoo!

however, dancing around the living room cannot commence... because he sent the card to the mile high city! *frustratedly shakes fists in air*

while i am thrilled to pieces, i am not happy that i have to wait until my favorite friend, the us postal service delivers it to my austin post. what is written on the post card has been relayed to me. and i squealed with delight. cannot wait to see it and read it with my own little baby blues!

!! Updated !!

As if to enjoy the wonders of the modern world of scanners and fax machines! Without further adieu...

HEY PATSY, LIFE IS GOOD HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOON. GOOD BUYING, NEW CONTACTS. BEEN WORKING TOO MUCH LATELY. SO MUCH TO DO AND FIGURE OUT. I AM HAPPY, BUT CAUTIOUS. MY MIND IS RACING ALL OVER, BUT I KNOW I AM HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. HERE'S HOPING THAT AUSTIN AND WORK ARE BETTER THIS MONTH. I AM SURE THAT TEXAS IS BLAZING HOT THESE DAYS. ENJOY YOUR TIME THERE LIKE I KNOW YOU DO. REGARDS TO YOU AND YOUR 2 ROOMIES. PEACE, THE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN :-)

pink and cuddly

Last night was a bit spooky. It is was night like any other... dinner, primarily girls - same old, same old, right.

The difference was that there was a relatively new little baby there. She was a day shy of being two months old. I have only known the mother as a pregnant woman, so finally the little girl arrived.

I don't know if it was being surrounded by massive quantities of estrogen plus my raging, seriously raging PMS, but I was totally enamored by that little girl. And for the very first time ever, I found myself... I found myself... *gulp* I found myself wanting one for a few fleeting moments.

Maybe I do have a biological clock of sorts after all. It was truly bizarre. I was entranced by that little twelve pound bundle and even had to go torture her once she awoke. Table full of women and I was the only one who was magnetized toward her. Yikes! What is happening to me?! Hopefully it was simply the perfect storm conditions of too many hormones. No matter what, it certainly scared the hell out me!

a tidbit

guess who has started calling me and pinging me with increased frequency....

yup, you guess it.... none other than montana man.

as if!

silence is anything but golden

i sent our darling southern gentleman an email on tuesday. i debated between a few different avenues of approach based on his currently deemed bergeresque post it note. options were as follows:

• * call him on the one liner, asking WTF?
• * pretend it never happened like an ostrich sticking its head in the ground
• * avoid holiday talk, in fact, what holiday?
• * rub it in that i am going on holiday
• * take the middle of the road

after fighting with my inner vengeful scorpio heart, i decided to walk the middle of the road. it was extremely difficult to not tell him that over the past eight years he has never once sent me an email like that. but i consciously selected a different option this time because obviously my scorpio-driven tactics have not worked so well in past relationships. holiday was discussed but not dwelt upon in detail.

his responses are always quite prompt. even when the southern gentleman is on the other side of the moon. never skips a beat. typically, i am the slacker who takes her sweet time in replying. you know, have to keep a boy on his toes!

but not this time. i am only hearing crickets on the email front.

and no snail mail either.

hopefully he is either on an airplane or dead as those are the only two avenues that receive special dispensation.

b and c

some days i simply shake my head and realize how boring my life was when i worked from home. during my work from home time, interaction with my work colleagues was limited to conference calls and messaging. there would be some trips to the client site if necessary but basically colleagues were merely voices in la la land somewhere.


fast forward to today. i am back in an office setting where people are real individuals with eyeballs and not just some mystery voice on the other end of the line. there is no mute button, let alone my favorite muted potty breaks. i do enjoy the office because it gives me a wonderful excuse to buy hordes of shoes and clothes.


but being a clothes horse comes with a price when working with a gaggle of dirty old men. for a glimmering moment one week a month, my push-up bra induced b's become actual c's. it is a cleavage moment i strive to thoroughly enjoy.

so i am wearing a cute empire waist dress that only fits best when the c's arrive. now keep in mind, the cleavage portion of the program is not over the top. they are definitely there but not not overflowing. One of the geezers (a quiet one who I have said hello to every day for months now without receiving a response) lumbered over to my cube, darting his eyes back and forth nervously, hesitantly stating, "Patsy, I don't mean to embarrass you but next time you are bending over at the receptionist's counter, don't bend over quite so far. There were too many men milling around the area." He was blushing. Obviously, he got an unintended eyeful, which really isn't much of an eyeful; however, I truly feel is a product of the fact I am the only woman here under the age of 100 and these geezers have long forgotten what boobies look like outside the confines of a gentleman's club. I graciously thanked him for the head's up and all the while he was blushing.

Goodness, if a spot of cleavage was the talk of the office, what would these old guys say if they knew what I wore when I worked from home! Some days I wish I could be a cockroach in the men's loo to hear what else the oldies say about me. But then again, ignorance is probably bliss.

poodle-licious

it is raining here. and rain puts a serious kibosh on my already lacking motivation.

while i am excited at the prospect of the lawn actually surviving the summer heat wave, i am significantly less thrilled with the oppressive humidity. we all know by now that humidity means i bitch about looking like i have poodle hair.

however to battle the poodle blues, i did make an appointment for a cut and highlight after i return from holiday next month. luckily i won't get chastised for my serious root situation along with it's pals the split ends. my drag queen hairdresser from heaven, how he works wonders!

tootles for now, my darlings!

reaction

disappointment.

my primary emotion today. disappointment.

but maybe it is his too?

however, it is not going to stop me from having a wonderful day or for that matter, a memorable adventure.

counting the days...

the response

I am mixed on how to perceive/interpret The Southern Gentleman's email regarding my upcoming holiday announcement.

Below is his response... the entire email - as if to be only one brief sentence.


buena suerte a tu viaje!

caballero del sur

breaking the news

I sucked it up today and shared the news of my upcoming holiday with The Southern Gentleman. Via email of course as he is on the other side of the moon this month. I kinda feel like Berger with his post-it note. kinda. Been debating how to do this properly because this is the exact holiday destination he and I were to go to this year. And now I am going with Edina and Magda. Not him. Unsure how the fragile male ego will receive this revelation.

I know The Southern Gentleman and I are not superglued, but still I feel badly for basically saying "I'm not waiting for you sucka." You see, last month he and I spoke and he specifically told me that when he returns from the other side of the moon at the end of August, he is forecasting about 6 weeks of negative cash flow. This screams to me in big, bold letters, 'girl, we are not going on holiday this fall.' So an alternative presented itself and I snatched it up. A fantastic alternative.

But still I hope The Southern Gentleman does not take this development the wrong way. I prefaced the revelation with the fact that I am thoroughly burnt out and desperately need a break and then proceeded to share that Edina and Magda invited me along. However, I did include that I was scouting the place out for us to return there too and I have many more vacation days left for the year too.

We will see how this news is received. I am hoping he understands and does not feel slighted. But we all know boyz are weird. So who really knows. Only time will tell as I already pushed the send button.

I do need this break so badly and that's no lie. I have been working like a hamster madly running the wheel for days on end for a year and half now. This holiday is long overdue. I need to get my mojo back, my wanderlust must be satisfied like a vampire requiring fresh blood to survive. Without a doubt, travel abroad always recharges me. Something about uncharted territory and a language barrier makes me thrive.

Each day now I think about where I will be a month from today... strolling the streets of a new city, speaking bad espanol, drinking wine in lieu of water at all times, and eating steaks, steaks, steaks. Those poor chick-fil-a cows will be very disappointed in me.

weakened knees

saturday and sunday i found my mesmerized watching the olympic swimmers. male swimmers to be more exact. oh i look at those muscular shoulders those men possess and i get absolutely weak in the knees.

yes, i am a shoulder girl. gazing on the american and australian physics brings fabulous memories of a shirtless southern gentleman to the forefront of my mind. aaaaahhhh.....

got a giggle out of edina spotting southern gentleman reminders at the olympic opening ceremony. over brekkie with edina and magda, we were chatting up our upcoming holiday when edina said she spotted a southern gentleman look-a-like during the march of athletes. she had to immediately call magda to point him out. you see, magda was ill when the southern gentleman rolled into town so she has not fallen under his spell yet. funny part is that the look-a-like was from the southern gentleman's paternal country.

needless to say i will be glued to the telly tonight to get another dose of male muscular shoulder madness!

timer in my head

I definitely require a sprinkler system that is not named Patsy.


I put the water on the lawn before the big pup and I went on our walk. As we were walking at lightening fast speeds and finished our route in record time, I planned to only leave the water on for another 10 minutes. The damn grass would receive its 30 minutes of watery goodness since it is over 100 degrees here daily and I typically forget to water.


Cue bed time. Mid-meditation I get struck by the grand realization that the water is still on the lawn! Two hours the front yard was watered! Crikey!

Sad part of this is that the lawn still looks like it is ready to die! Thank you, Mr. Sun for burning ever so brightly every single solitary day! This had better not come out of my damage deposit!

one of those days

Nothing quite sets the tone for your day as about half way through the morning being struck with the grand realization that your knickers are on backwards.


However, the only highlight has been that backwards knickers must have aligned the gods of air travel because I am officially ticketed. It has been quite the ordeal. The credit card company flagged the transaction as suspect so had to deal with all that (which I am glad they are looking out for me!) but seriously should it really take 4 whole days and 6 phone calls to purchase a ticket online?


But it is charged so give me a big Amen!


Because I need this break from reality like nobody's business.

fan clubs

There is a myriad of fan clubs out there. Some we strive to be a part of, others we abhor. I have a few that are a constant in my universe. Some you slip into because you find your niche.

My preferred niche has always been gay men. Yes, I proudly admit to being a fag hag. Whether it is proclaiming my most favorite movie ever is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (and thereby subjecting straight boyfriends to watching it under duress) or the fact that I feel incredibly lost with my bestest gay pals being 2,000 miles away, I am a true rainbow hag.

Obviously, my favorite fan club is the land of gay men. To me, it all centers around acceptance. In many aspects, gay men are still viewed as outsiders themselves and as such I have felt most welcome and valued among my (obviously) favorite fan club. My bestest gay pals accept my sense of style and truly accept me. This level of acceptance is something that I have never felt from other women. Typically, other women view as the interloper, the competition, the outsider due to my outward appearance. However, things are very different in Austin. Instead of being subjected to the usual woman cattiness, women here accept me as I am. It has been a wonderful breath of hope that has truly changed my life.

So while the two outer limits of my life have been swapped, there are other changes in my various other fan clubs. Primarily, the male based arena. While The Southern Gentleman is still looming out there with great force, my other boy fan clubs are diametrically opposed. There is the would-never-date-you-but-enjoy-your-fawning-over-me fan club, also known as the Stroke My Ego fan base. Needless to say, I enjoy this particular club immensely. And then there is the dreaded, oh-my-dear-god-get-away-from-me-you-freak, also known as don’t-mistake-my good-manners-for-encouragement, but I most often refer to it as my Glowing Green Loser Magnet (with my finger and my thumb in the shape of an “L” on my forehead) fan base.

Like any girl, my primary Stroke My Ego fan was always a highlight I could count on much like the postman delivering regardless of sunshine or hail storms. I enjoyed watching his eyes light up like a dried out Christmas tree in March that fell victim to a stray flame. Always the unspoken adoration I needed during this desert of a dry spell I’ve been on out here. He is totally not my type but I did live to be atop the pedestal; until he found himself a girlfriend. The usual cheerful hug I’d receive upon walking in the door has been replaced with a handshake. A handshake! For Pete’s sake! Eye lights only flicker with half a flame and insecure girlfriend is glued to his side. My Stroke My Ego fan base has officially dried up out here. Boo hoo!

But the Glowing Green Loser Magnet fan base is alive and well; thriving in fact. What a sorry state of affairs. While I strongly adhere to the code of dating karma, I have had to begin leaving a hunk of my politeness at the door because the GGLM has been working overtime. Just thinking about my last few encounters is making me nauseous. Seriously. Guess I won’t be sharing them. Just imagine your worst stop-hitting-on-me-freak encounter ever, multiply it by 750 and you have my run-ins of late.

Hopefully one day each of the boys occupying the GGLM fan club will find some lonely girl out there who overlook his inner loser and adore his freaky ass persistence. I would not complain if this fan club dried up too.

ready to strangle the internets

Reason #324 why I hate the internet. ugh!

I am trying to price out a ticket to join my girlfriends on their holiday. Easy, right? I have flight times and cities.

However, no website - orbitz - travelocity - united - american - seems to know the second city i want to fly into. grumble, grumble. only one carrier actually acknowledges that the city exists but cannot get the ticket to price out?!?!

is this the universe's nice way of telling me not to go?

I need a holiday! Please!

party barge

another day of pure magic here in austin...

of course, i still feel like i am floating along on the boat... but only the remnants of a million jello shots remain.

another day of what makes this place so special....

line in the sand

Things with The Leech have not improved - I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I will be very honest with you - I have put a deadline in place for us. I feel like he has drug me down. We live more like roommates than a couple. I am trying to create my own life again because I am tired of re-living the past with him. I have given it my best effort but he hasn't met me half way. I keep waiting for a sign that he will work on this relationship too, but I know I have false hope. There are a lot of days that I just want to tell him that I am done but I am waiting and giving him chances since my deadline has not passed.

You know me all too well. I need someone who is a go-getter, has aspirations, dreams of better and is not afraid to go out and do it. The Leech led me to believe that about him but now I know that he is not that type of person. The Leech is happy and content with this house, his job, and his basic life - he has no worries. Yes, I like my house but I don't want to spend the next 30 years here. I want more, bigger, better. I need to be working toward something, a better life. The Leech will never leave his lousy little job working for peanuts. I want someone who will take care of me! The Leech has been oblivious to the fact that I have truly been suffering from depression. When I finally confronted him about it and why he hasn't tried to help me, he told me he didn't notice anything was wrong! My parents knew something was seriously wrong; you could tell and you haven't seen me. I hide nothing from him. The Leech is only concerned with his self pity.

I am very sad at what our relationship has come to but I have put him ahead of myself for too long and I have suffered greatly as a result. While I like The Leech as a person and friend, I feel zero fulfillment as partner in this marriage on many levels. I feel like I am being used.

Also, there is zero sex, which makes me think there are bigger problems than he will even admit.

It is difficult and that is why I want to work through all the things leading to a final decision with the therapist. So many bad things have happened that I don't know if our relationship can ever go back to the old days when I loved him dearly. The Leech can't seem to move beyond the past.
My mom tells me that I will find another man. But honestly that is not what I want. I only want to be happy again and I know it only starts with me. I don't want to be married again. I want to find myself and have a full life filled with friends and family. Some days I wish I didn't have this house, so that I could move and start over. But things happen for a reason - with this house, I realized I can make it on my own and I can see all my hard work all these years pay off in the fact that I could afford this as a "starter" home. I probably wouldn't have taken the chance with this house on my own but now I know I can do it.

The differences between The Leech and I on a socio-economic level have become a big point of contention. He harbors a lot of resentment about the life I have led versus his. I thought our socio-economic differences wouldn't be such a problem but they are for him. I cannot change where I came from and how I got to where I am and unless The Leech can accept that about me, there will always be struggle.

I have spoken at great length with my cousin and my old neighbor (the zany lady who lived across the street from my parents) since they are in similar marriages and decided to stay. Both have echoed the same thing - they hoped I have watched what they have endured over the years and I take the step that they never took. Speaking with them has helped validate my feelings.

So that is all the fun stuff that keeps me up at night and floats through my mind all day.

My parents are fine. Both feel very betrayed by The Leech but other than that they are a happy little bunch of clams! The Leech has even changed in how he treats them too; he is very much a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

fingers crossed

i am also crossing my toes and eyes! even my legs!

the cosmos is aligning...

and i hope to be one big step closer in physical proximity to the southern gentleman in the very near future...

it is happening...

over and out

This has not been a wild and woolly week, which has been a rather pleasant change of pace.

However, I have been doing this long enough to recognize the calm before the storm.

I actually miss the crazy, hectic schedule and demands. I feel as if I am without direction, without purpose. Pulling my hair out is strangely preferable to lazy days.

Definitely the calm before the storm.

Hopefully Hurricane Dolly's little trip through town will serve to stir things up as August rolls in...

Lots of fun in store for the weekend! Will be hopping all over town! Yippee!

making her list, checking it twice

Recently, my list of must-haves for a potential suitor has garnered a fair amount of scrutiny. Even Edina thinks I am a bit hung up on a few points, but over the years I have come to know myself and the things I have tried to overlook but no amount of overlooking can stifle my true, raw, honest feelings. Yes, my list looks rather superficial on the surface – but if anyone knows how many frogs I have kissed and how much benefit of the doubt I have bestowed on these frogs, they would know that my list consists of brutal honesty.

It was extremely difficult for me to get to the point of even considering writing up a list. I have always been anti-list because a person is not on par with a gift registry. A person is so much more than a list! Besides I have faithful lived my life with a “don’t judge a book by its over” mentality because I know how I come off to new people. I am painfully shy in a new setting (although that has lessened some) but because I am well put together, my shyness is typically interpreted as aloofness and quite frankly women think I am a stuck up bitch, so never give me a chance.

Another important facet of my list avoidance is my father. He is a brilliant man even though he never went to college and he provided very well for his family. If my father could be so much more than his credentials, then other men could be too, right? I embraced life and men with that in mind. Sure I’ll go out with you at least once! Up to three times because those first few dates are always a little jittery.

Reality is far different than the utopia of sunshine and happiness I have floating around in my mind and heart. Last spring as my relationship with Harry Goldenblatt was waning, I was struck by the lightening bolt that clearly told me, “Girl! Wake up! It is time for you sit down, be painfully honest with yourself and write up your must-have list so you stop wasting your time on men who will never fulfill you.”

And thus, the list was born… based on my experience, my relationships, and being true to myself. I refuse to sell myself short any long.

An example – A man must possess a mortgage (or outright own his property). A mortgage is a commitment. If a man cannot commit to a payment, he certainly cannot commit to me. Also, if he cannot make his payment that also plays into his priorities; therefore, if ensuring there is a roof over his head is not high on the list, we are not going to be compatible.

After last week’s happy hour with Coco and Curly Sue, I realized this list was created long before The Southern Gentleman strolled into my life in a suitor capacity. Imagine my surprise and delight when I ran him through my list and he checks out on all fronts – straight up and sticking to the guidelines. So much for the naysayers.

rearing its head

Haven't been feeling talkative... you see, girl drama has ensued and quite frankly it's fucked me off. Debating whether or not to discuss it, how to handle it, you know all the whos, whats, whens, whys...

The part that has bothered me the most is how high school the girl causing the drama is being. I have flourished for the past year and a half being devoid of this nasty girl-jealousy crap that I have been subjected to my entire life. And that is the heart of what has brought me down the past few days... I hate that a jealous girl is lashing out at me, without cause, for simply being little old me. I know it is her problem and not mine; however, I have not missed this childish behavior in the least.

Ugh... multi-tasking so flow may be off... but I am ready to be off for the evening. ta ta for now!

Coco meets SJP

For the first time in two weeks, I finally feel settled and calm. The insane roller coaster ride of emotions came to a stop and I got off the ride. I couldn't be happier and for icing, there are some percolating future develops that have given me a whole other side of hope. I missed ya, Goodness!

A few months ago a we had a new gal join our group. Edina went to a happy hour that I missed due to be in transit and upon giving her report on said happy hour, she proceeded to tell me that a wonderful new gal joined. As the new gal always carries her signature Chanel bag, henceforth she will be known as Coco. My first opportunity to meet Coco was during one of my little Sex and the City refreshers before the movie was released. From the instant Coco walked in the door, I liked her.

Our paths have crossed at various celebrations and happy hours and each time I enjoy her more and more. One of those people that I just click with. Last night we met up at a wine bar for happy hour. We were getting to know each other without the confines of the rest of the group - as in the group setting I am typically not so candid. Unbeknownst to me, Coco also invited our mutual acquaintance, Curly Sue - the gal who went to the Moose signing with us - which was a bit of a damper as Curly Sue's energy changed the dynamic... things went from relaxing and laid back to a nervous-ADD energy.

The topic of dating arose. Curly Sue lamented her latest on-line endeavors. Conversation turns to the fact I have not been on a date in 7 months and Curly Sue brings up my rigid list of must haves. Now Curly Sue does not agree with my list as she feels it is too unattainable and was seeking validation of that from Coco. Imagine the surprise on CS's face when Coco tells her that someone she knows had a similar list, laminated in fact that the woman would extract from her wallet and present to potential suitors... and the moral of Coco's story was that the woman got everything she asked for and is happy to boot.

We had to go to the other side of town for dinner at CS's insistence, rather than walk to one of the 83 nearby places. It was late and the wait was long so we merely had apps at the bar.

It was fun though getting to know Coco better. I think we could become very good friends. While my time here may be drawing to a close, Coco will definitely further spice things up as she has a wonderful spirit and sense of humor... oh and as we were leaving the restaurant, the waitress asked me if anyone has ever told me that I resemble Sarah Jessica Parker... I was a little taken aback as I don't view SJP as attractive, but Coco jabs me in the arm and says "Take that as a compliment!" Yeah, we're going to be fab friends!

Cheers, my lovies... have a great weekend!